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lytedark
member
dealing with separation anxiety - mainstream vs....?
lytedark
member
so the lovely bump just sent the 'your baby is ___ weeks old' email and i glanced at it. the main thing was separation anxiety and how if baby cries when you leave the room or someone else holds them that you shouldn't pick them up so that they learn.
NOT picking up dd or taking her back from a stranger when crying hasn't even occurred to me, but am i wrong to assume that this 'phase' will still be grown out of if you don't let them scream and instead allow them to interact at their own pace from where they feel most secure?
how did you guys handle separation anxiety and how are are your kids now?
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Re: dealing with separation anxiety - mainstream vs....?
We are JUST NOW (at 2-1/2yrs) at a place where we don't have separation anxiety any longer. There were times, when DD was really young (probably around your DD's age) that I couldn't leave the room. And then we moved to the phase of babysitter (Grammy) once in a while, and she would SCREAM bloody murder if I left. I HATED that phase. Now, depending on who's staying with her, she'll give me a hug & kiss and a "see ya later mama" (to the tune of, ok mama...I'll miss ya - but get the heck out of here!).
When she was really young, I would spend time cuddling with her - and hug her tightly & tell her it was going to be ok and that I'd be back shortly. Everyone always said she stopped crying right away... but I'm really not sure I believed them. But, I know that she would cry for me while I was away...even after I'd left. If I'm gone for a really long time (whole day), she'll still do it, even if DH is home with her.
I probably didn't handle it like the "experts" tell you to, but we did it according to what we thought would be most gentle for her.
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glad to see i'm not the only one that continues to do what's most comfortable/gentle. i was really taken aback by the advice in the email and i guess didn't realize that was what the 'experts' recommended.
so how do you handle other people's comments about them needing to just get over it when you go to them?
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I just ignore them. If they're really adamet about it, I tell them that we prefer gentle parenting and prefer not to let our child cry if they don't need to.
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In general I totally agree, but as a working Mom it is a bit different. If I never let DS cry I would be late for work more than is professionally feasible. Luckily he has great caregivers who he loves and cries when leaving at the end of the day just as often as he cries when we drop him off, but there are times I have to walk out and know that he'll be fine in a few minutes.
I also am a firm believer that the parent's attitude can make or break a lot of separation anxiety situations. If you are acting tentative or fearful of leaving then your LO will pick up on that. If you act confident that those you leave LO with will provide careful, loving care than your LO will be more likely to be ok with it.
All of that said, I definitely have grabbed DS back from many a well-meaning relative because he just wasn't ready for that kind of attention. Even this year at Christmas I told my grandma that he wasn't ready to sit on her lap yet when she wanted to do pictures 10 minutes after we walked in the door and 15 minutes after he woke up. 20 minutes later he was running all over and giving everyone hugs so obviously SA isn't really an issue - he just needs some time to warm up!
I think if you need to leave them with someone else because you need to go somewhere. It is best to leave them with someone they can be ok with (for us it is a few friends, my mom and DH and give hugs and kisses when you are leaving and say mama will be back. However if you make this too long it can make it harder on her and you. Most kids I watch get over it pretty fast and they learn that mama or dad do come back.
However when it comes to other ppl wanting to hold her when I'm around like at a party. If she doesn't want to I don't make her. If the person really wants to play or hold her I suggest that they sit on the floor while DD and I play and usually she will start to play with them also. (however if the person is all pushy and in her face it doesn't work well)
As for if we are home and she gets upset because I'm leaving the room or I put her down. I tell her she can come with me and she will usually follow. If she doesn't want to get down I usually sit and play with her for a little while if I really need to get something done without holding her. Sometimes she is ok when I leave sometimes not. If she isn't ok I usually take toys over to where she can see me and she will play and watch me.
I also ignore them. I know when my child needs to be picked up and I also know when she is going to cry for a few sec. Also most ppl don't want to hold an upset baby. I also remind them it is the age she is at and it will get better.