having a hard time coping (long pity party ahead)

babystinkbreath · December 2010

Hi ladies,

So I have been really MIA since my m/c about 4 weeks ago. This is my second m/c, and my first one after IVF. As I have posted on the board before, I am now faced with having to have another surgery to have both my tubes removed because I have hydrosalpinx in both tubes (my doc thinks hydro can be toxic to developing embyros). Because of the complications I had earlier this year from a previous surgery, this won't be a simple lap or fix. So I'm pretty sure I will have to go thru another serious surgery.

Needless to say, I'm so overwhelmed with everything. The m/c crushed me and the stress of the surgery weighs on me. I have also had several meetings and appointments that have forced me to relive all the horrible recent events (just a week after the m/c too). On top of all that, I got a UTI and have had my period for 4 straight weeks now! I just want to move forward and feel like I am getting some of my life back and the constant bleeding is like a slap in the face reminding me what happened. I have been to the doc several times about this and I have to go back again tomorrow to get more b/w and u/s. I hope they put me on the pill or something to make this stop.

And I can't remember the last time I had sex! It was probably early November right before our ER. I just wish I could have this one little thing back to feel normal again.

I have been handling all the disappoints "well" this year, but now I just feel like I'm sinking and can't find my way back. My family and friends have been supportive (at least the ones that know what we are going thru), but I just can't bear to talk about all this to any of them because it just makes me so upset. Everyone thinks I'm handling things ok, but I guess I have just gotten really good at pretending that things are ok.

I just feel like I am losing myself to IF. I have even been having a really hard time being supportive on the board. I have been lurking following everyone's updates, but just can't bring myself to respond. I feel bad about this because everyone is so supportive to me.

There is no real point to this post except to throw myself my own pity party. I know these thoughts are things we all go through, I just needed to vent to people who understand. I'm just hoping that I find the strength to pull myself together again soon. Why does this have to be so hard???

Thanks for listening.

JM1977 · December 2010

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. It makes sense that you can't bring yourself to post or respond. You have been so traumatized that it must be difficult to do anything.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but are you seeing a therapist or counselor of some kind? You have been through so much, I can't imagine dealing with it without having an impartial sounding board.

(((HUGS)))

scooterq · December 2010

I an just so so sorry sweetie! It is so unfair. I know nothing I can say can make this hurt worse, so just know we're here for you. Big huge ((hugs))

LCS040209 · December 2010

((hugs))

You're in a tough place right now with a lot on your plate, sweetie. It isn't fair for you to have to experience a miscarriage and then have surgery weighing on your shoulders. Where is your time to just be and accept?

I wish you the best - I hope surgery goes smoothly and then you can look towards the future. It is hard to move forward and look to your next cycle when it is so far away. I hope this surgery, although very overwhelming, can solve the problem and allow your future embryos to thrive in your belly.

Thinking of you.

madelyn07 · December 2010

I'm so sorry for everything...sending you huge hugs!

butterfly843 · December 2010

Sending hugs. Hope you can schedule the surgery soon and you can do a fet or ivf cycle soon. I have been good at pretending things are ok so my family and friends think I'm fine, but since I lost my twins I have been a disaster. What has been helping me is writing/venting in a journal.

bbakersgirl75 · December 2010

Sweetie, I'm so sorry your going through this ((Big Hugs))!! I don't have any advice or words of encouragement that would make this better for you. Just know that we are all here to listen and love and support you!

chizzle09 · December 2010

I know how you feel. I have found myself wishing my life away-whether it be the dreaded 2ww or waiting for my IVF to begin in February. I just want to wake up and it be February. 2010 was such a horrible year for me that I can't wait for it to be over. My husband keeps telling me that everything that I've been through will all be worth it when I finally get to hold my (future) baby for the first time. I hope he's right. I just hope that day comes sooner than later!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope you feel better soon!!

etoyama · December 2010

Biggest ((((HUGS)))), Lauren. You have been through way more than anyone should have to endure. Please try no to beat yourself up mentally too. You need to give yourself a break. Wish I could give you a hug IRL.

babylove0511 · December 2010

huge huge ((HUGS)) i am so sorry for what you are going through. it is more than one can handle all at once. i wish i can say or do something to make you feel better. just know that we are all here for you no matter what.

Edwina.McDunnough · December 2010

I am so so sorry things are so difficult right now for you. IF is just so unfair and I wish you didn't have to suffer so much or have so many surgeries and big decisions to make all at once.

The last thing you should concern yourself with is taking a break from the board. You need to take care of yourself and not worry about reaching beyond your needs right now. We all know you're there rooting for everyone, even silently. We have all been there, will be there, and totally understand.

Big big hugs!!! I hope that your bleeding will be resolved soon and that you can move forward mentally, emotionally, and physically.

MarriedaSportsNut · December 2010

First, I'm so very sorry for your losses. An IVF loss is especially brutal and there are very few women who can understand the bone-crushing weight of this loss. And to have it all dragging on with extended bleeding and an upcoming surgery is almost unbearable. All I can suggest is to keep your eye on those 4 embies you have left. An FET cycle is a cakewalk compared to what you've been through. You'll get your hydros fixed and your body back in shape and you'll have a nice, easy FET to look forward to.

I would suggest asking about a hysteroscopy to check out your uterus for retained products. I bled for almost a month after my D&C and found out that my uterus was full of crud and I needed a second D&C. (I did take cytotec but that did nothing.) With all the surgeries, this summer felt like an eternity! I admit I took advantage of the free time to pursue eating (poorly) and drinking (well) and all the other things I couldn't do while PG. I also stayed away from the boards for awhile...and to this day I do find it hard to be a cheerleader....don't stress out over not having any comfort to give...take care of yourself first.

CallMeAl · December 2010

I have no advice, only ((hugs)). I am so sorry that you have so much weighing on you. It isn't fair.

Amie8301 · December 2010

Hi sweetie. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. What you are going through it completely unfair and you have every right to feel the way you do. You've been through more more pain and heartache than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now and I wish there was something we could do or say that would make things better. Also, dont be so hard on yourself about posting on the board. Right now you need to take time for you. When you're ready we know you'll be back and as supportive as ever!

Thinking of you and sending hugs!!

babystinkbreath · December 2010

thank you ladies! your words of support mean so much to me. This year has been really hard and I can't wait for it to be over. I would not have been able to get through it without this board. I went back to my RE this morning, and when they call this afternoon with the results of the b/w and u/s I will ask if they think anything else needs to be done to stop the bleeding besides just putting me on some pills.

I am looking forward to having a nice break cycle. And eating and drinking poorly. Tongue Tied I think about you ladies all the time and I will also be routing for you, even if it is just silently. I feel like you are all an extended family.

DeputiesWife · December 2010

Thinking of you.

So sorry you have to go thru this. You are NOT alone.

::hugs::

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