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Multiples
MADforever2009
member
Want to hurt H...just a vent...not really, but yes really
MADforever2009
member
in Multiples
before i go into this vent, know i love him very much and he does help me a ton...but still i think he's SOOOOOO stupid sometimes.
hhmmmm, its 3 am and Cannon is crying, I wake up to see Mark hovering him and then go back to bed. "What are u doing?" i asked. He said, "its been three hours, i want to see if he'll go back to sleep."
HELLO, jackass, they have been eating every 2 1/2 hours, you think he's crying for no reason? Complete laziness and we CANT get along and work together at 3 am. So where normally one goes and preps bottles, the other does baby care if needed and holds baby/babies. So instead I picked up Cannon, held him while screaming and got his bottle warmed up while I went to change him. In the meantime I hear Mark yelling from the other room, "Hey babe, what are you doing? Are you going to bring him to me?"
We've gotten into a habit of Mark feeding Cannon and me feeding Cooper (cause I feed Cooper better with his cleft.) but Cannon eats more in a matter of ten minutes and im lucky to get a full feeding out of Cooper in 30 minutes. Im sorry if this seems childish, but i dont think its fair, then i have to come out here to pump????? While he goes to bed??? ugh...im crawling out of my skin in frustration for him.
Thank goodness my mom is coming tomorrow and staying this week. Mark's sleeping on the couch.
oh and btw, i got in trouble by him last night because he says I "bump it" too much. (Meaning i come on here) How do i let him know it helps me stay sane and not kill him?
Im not crazy please dont think i am...
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Re: Want to hurt H...just a vent...not really, but yes really
Adjusting to your new normal is hard. Very hard. Between having to fit these new little people into your routines, and adjust those more often than not, then having to figure out new roles, it is very trying. I have yet to meet a couple that says "yes, we were a great place in our marriage right after the twins were born!"
All that to say, you're not alone. It does get better, but can take some time.
You need to find a calm time to talk to him about all of this. Don't do it in the heat of the moment (if he's anything like my H, he would think to himself that this is just the hormones talking and not take it seriously). Tell him that you want to talk to him about overnight duties, and how best to handle them. If he's having trouble feeding Cooper, ask him to practice during the day so that he can help better at night.
As for bumping, explain why you do it. My H knows I spend a lot of time on here to get great advice (and give it where I can) as well as to unwind.
You're not crazy. You're a new mom
I love my husband and he is a great dad but I've wanted to murder him about a million times in the past year. My two pieces of advice are:
1. Realize that it will never, ever be 50/50 when it comes to the kids. It will always be, oh, 75% you and 25% him. And if someone else feels different then they are lucky. Because no matter how much my husband tries, I was still the one that had to nurse and pump, Im the one that cares about first birthdays, Im the one that remembers we need to bring baby food. He doesn't. As soon as I realized that, I could accept it.
2. Talk to him and tell him what you need and want when it comes to the kids. Its better to get it out (in a calm and constructive way) then hold it inside.
Hang in there!
This doesn't help the whole situation, but I would make him feed Cooper and get used to it. If you have to pump too, that's definitely not fair. He may not do it just right in the beginning, but he'll figure it out. If you can do it, so can he!
I've learned to let my DH figure things out on his own and do things his own way in order to get him to help with things. If I tell him how to do something, it's less likely to get done. I just have to let go of the control and it goes a lot smoother. This has definitey helped us get through some of the trials in the first few months.
This is great advice! My DH only had 2 weeks off of work after the babies were born. The first week we spent in the hospital. After he went back to work, I for some reason was crazy and took all the feedings for both babies during the night during the week so my DH could sleep and was rested for work. What was I thinking?? It was so stressful and I was pumping as well. Maybe that could help you feel a little better about your DH? At least he helps, right
No, but seriously I can understand your frustration. It probably never will be equal, but you should at least talk to him and let him know what you expect from him and what will help you out. He has to see that you are recovering from delivery and need some rest too! I look back and keep thinking how that first month with the babies was one of the hardest months of my life! So I understand how stressed and frustrated you must be right now. Hang in there!
I have had to hold my tongue many many times in the last 6 weeks- our boys spent a little over 2 weeks in the NICU. Like right now, where is my DH ? (he has today off) oh he is in bed while I was up until 2 am (and did the 2 am feeding for both boys) with Nicholas since DH did not burp him enough before he put him down at the 10 pm feeding and Nicholas urped all over and freaked himself out. Then I was woken up by my DH at 6:30 to ask me what time they ate..... ummm look at the freaking fridge I keep a log on the fridge. Plus we do not need to wake them up to eat they eat plenty so freaking let them sleep! So when they woke up 15 minutes later... guess what I fed John while DH fed Nicholas. And now they are awake for the morning.... so they are doing some tummy time- and they hate it so I hope they keep DH up.
oh and my DH DID NOT take ANY time off when we brought the boys home. granted we brought them home the Monday before Thanksgiving- so he did have Thursday and Friday off- but we got home at 6pm on Monday and DH was out the door for work at 6am Tuesday. I would say I take care of the boys 90% of the time.
Yes I love him- but I am pissed when I hear him complaining to his buddies about only getting 6 hours of sleep a night.
You are at a point where things are really tough. I remember also hating my husband at times. Same as yours, he is a great husband, but in the middle of the night he was always so confused and not so helpful. I remember we were using Playtex Ventaires and he poured 3 oz of pumped breast milk into a bottle that didn't have the bottom on it, all over the floor, in the middle of the night. I almost cried! And at other times I would ask him to get a crying baby and he would start cuddling his pillow not realizing it was a pillow and the baby was in the other room. I would just try to wake him up a little more to get him to get a handle on what was going on.
And I would tell myself that it would pass, things would get better, and women are more involved than men because it is in our nature to respond to crying children. Maybe when you're awake have a conversation about what you want from him in the middle of the night-- we would talk about the plan for the night before we went to bed, when we were both awake and coherent.
But that didn't stop me from almost kneeing him in the balls in the middle of the night when he was screwing things up.
1. It's never 50/50. Even couples that "decide" to make it 50/50 I don't think ever achieve that. That maternal instinct is biology! My husband pitches in all the time and is amazing...but he can't change diapers as fast as I can, jump to get them when they cry, he can sleep through crying, if they fuss he can't calm them as quickly as I can (usually).
2. Don't have discussions in the middle of the night. No one is thinking clearly.
3. Is your DH having to go to work during the day? Even though taking care of twin newborns during the day is work...it's different having to be a zombie at the office, then be a zombie at home. At night, I definitely took on more so DH could get some sleep and go to work. This was important for a couple of reasons-- 1- he needed to keep his job! 2 - It meant one of us was getting some sleep and was more clear headed. Because he wasn't a complete zombie (he would get a full 6 hour stretch at night), he was a huge help to me when I felt like the world was crashing down around me.
4. Bumping too much, etc.....It sounds to me like he's missing you! It's hard when as a couple you had all the time you wanted to spend with each other. Now you've got 2 babies that consume your life and take away time from each other, and so maybe he's really feeling the effect of that. I remember getting annoyed with DH for watching Criminal Minds (I can't watch the show b/c it freaks me out- esp when kids are victims) a lot, because I wanted to spend time with him and I won't watch that show. Anyway, I guess my point is, maybe you need to spend some time together when you can. DH and I would do a "date hour" instead of date night when the girls were first born. I remember when they were 3 weeks old we started doing this. My sister would come over and watch them for an hour or hour and a half (I was BF them- and could only do one at a time, so that's why it had to be that short) and let DH and I "go out" when he got home from work/after dinner. We usually ended up filling a travel mug with some wine and going to the park that's about a mile away and walking around/sitting on a bench together. It's important to make time for each other. Our marriage is my first priority.
It gets better!
First off, Dad's (in my expierence) aren't nearly as good as us Moms. I don't think they get it right away what all that is done to take care of an infant. Especially in the middle of the night, I have to be more specific to my DH at 3am than any other time. But even during the day he still doesn't do anything unless I ask him to. Most of the time that goes for our older son too, I have to tell DH "Time to put him in his high chair", "Time for bath" at least he doesn't forget bedtime.
In my house I do most if not all the night time routine, I also work full time. The reason why it works for us is because I don't require a lot of sleep and DH is extremely crabby if his sleep is short changed and I find it easier to just do the babies myself and get back to bed than dealing with a crabby husband during the day!
GL, just talking to your DH could really help.
Re: the bumping -- I would explain why you do it, in terms he can understand. For me, at the beginning I got twice as much milk when I was poking around on the computer than when I was doing something else (I still do, though the differential is less). The relaxation aspect of pumping is really important. Once I showed DW the difference in output from a relaxed pumping session to a non-relaxed one, she cut me a little more slack.
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure
Wow reading through all these responses really make me LOL. It really is infuriating. My twins aren't here yet, but I have been through a lot of the dealing with hubby and infant experiences that are oh so lovely. I agree that it will never be 50/50 at least not in my world! Men need LOTS of clear and direct instructions. This being your first babies, your hubby is learning a lot too.
Sorry to say Mommy's always do it better though and that makes Dad's more frustrated too. There would be times where I'd leave for a quick errand and DS would scream and cry the whole time I was gone and Dad couldn't soothe him. As soon as I got home and picked him up he'd snuggle up and knock out. This made my DH very jealous and mad. I also agree that they miss the attention being on THEM. It sounds funny but it's so true, especially if it's your first child/children. The dynamics of your whole relationship are changed instantly and forever.
I would have DH feed Cooper more often during the day, he needs to know how to effectively feed BOTH his kids, and yes especially if you have to pump AFTER a feeding, it would make more sense for him to feed whoever takes longer! I pumped and bottle fed for 1 month because I had to thicken the feeds. We traded off a night here or there (not equally), but even when he got up to feed, I still had to get up to pump which kinda sucks! So you don't really get a "break". After that I just went back to nursing directly and it was great, but it also meant that only *I* could get up and feed at night. Our son is 22 months now and I'm still the one who does all the nightime/middle of the night/morning wake up calls and most of the during the day stuff too!
I've already informed DH that when the twins arrive he WILL NOT get off as easy as he did with DS and that I WILL need him to help. He is aware, however I know I will be wanting to ring his neck soon enough! Try to talk about it during the day when you are both a little more awake and hopefully not as mad and try to come up with a solution/routine that works for both of you and that is CLEAR so he knows whats expected of him.
And yes, bumping or talking to other mom's is what helps us stay sane, know we are doing the right things, and helps keep us from killing our husbands!
he split my milk too and i wanted to throw something. Thanks for the laugh (kneeing him in the balls.)
thanks for the words. nice to know other people are there or have been there.
mom is here and my place is spotless and shes awesome company.
i feel woo-sawed.
I remember feeling this way with my husband when my daughter was born. I can only imagine what I will be feeling with twins.