WWPGALD? (IL holiday drama ment'd) NBR and long

damabo80 · December 2010

So, a little back history....SIL is 34, chronically ill for the past 5 years, has lived her mom her entire life (minus a semester spent at college), worships DH, and sees me as "a person who takes up DH's attention". She's a "nice to the face" but will whine and moan about people behind their backs, and carry grudges like no other (like, for decades....each day she brings up a story about how someone has wronged her 2, 10, 20 years ago.) Martyr is a term that comes to mind.

DH and I are visiting them in CA (from GA). Needless to say, we had most of the Christmas gifts shipped to CA with the idea that we will wrap them here (as we've done most years.) DH's mom usually lays out the paper, bows, etc of the stuff we'll need to wrap with. This year was no different. All the wrapping stuff was in the family room, so I took a roll of paper, a pen, some stickers where you can write in to/from, tape and scissors into the back bedroom to wrap.

This morning, SIL was wondering where her stickers (the to/from ones) and pen were. DH said that they were in the bedroom, as I was wrapping last night. She then gets quite upset (now, I am not in the room...DH tells me about this later) that I took her pen and stickers. I am in the shower while this is all going on. As I get out of the shower, I overhear DH apologizing to his sister, asking if there's anything we do to rectify the situation (buy her new stickers, etc). I hear her say, "no it's fine"...in the tone of voice that is clearly evident NOT fine.

DH comes into the bathroom and tells me that SIL is upset that I used the stickers/pen and that from now on, to overly communicate about using anything (ie ask). OK...whatevs...I only see her once a year, and I'm only here for 2 more days, I can do that.

So, I write a note and place it on her bed, apoligzing for using her stickers and pen, and attached a $10 bill to cover the cost of replacing both the pen and stickers.

DH's mom sees the note and asks me what it is. I tell her, and she gives it back to me, saying not to worry about it, and that if I make this gesture, SIL will only get more upset. I turn to DH and say "well, what am I suppossed to do here?". He says, "there's no right answer."

So, wwpgald? I figure she's a big girl, she can either choose to accept my apology and money or not, but MIL says that if I attempt that, it will only make SIL feel bad. However, if I don't do anything, then she's going to carry around this grudge, building it in her mind to epic proportions.

It's totally redic that all this drama is about stickers and pen. When DH told me that she was quite upset over it, I seriously laughed outloud. DH explained that since she is chronicaly ill, she doesn't have much control over anything, so her belongings are something she has control over, so she hangs tight to that. OK, I can make myself try to comprehend where she's coming from. But, the major underlying case here is that I fear if nothing is done, it's going to break down whatever "relationship" SIL and I have since she'll hold this grudge forever.

::breathes and chants two more days, two more days, two more days::

TheGregory's07 · December 2010

I would give her the money and say I am sorry that MIL put them out for us to use. Shift the blame, I know that is no better then her but at this point you might have play her games back.

LnR70707 · December 2010

This will probably come across wrong, but in all seriousness....is your SIL mentally handicapped or just chronically ill? Unless her illness is compulsive hoarding...I don't think you owe her any kind of apology. She is a grown woman and needs to learn to get over things. The rest of your DHs family should consider counseling to learn not to be such enablers.

damabo80 · December 2010

L&R70707:
This will probably come across wrong, but in all seriousness....is your SIL mentally handicapped or just chronically ill? Unless her illness is compulsive hoarding...I don't think you owe her any kind of apology. She is a grown woman and needs to learn to get over things. The rest of your DHs family should consider counseling to learn not to be such enablers.

Not taken wrong at all, and a completely valid question.

She is not mentally handicapped in the slightest, but the whole living at home thing and never experiencing life has, IMO, helped to keep her emotions like she's still in high school.

She has liver issues, and requires someone (MIL) to take care of her.

bbhalphen · December 2010

I'd probably apologize and NOT give her money and then just try to ignore it! You guys have offered to replace them already and she said no. Sorry you're having to deal with that.

Ginaincali · December 2010

I would just apologize and move on. Sounds like she is going to hold it against you regardless of what you do.

ashleyrsotomayor · December 2010

I have no good advice, but I have been putting up with IL drama for two weeks so I feel your pain.

cherylanddoug · December 2010

Ginaincali:
I would just apologize and move on. Sounds like she is going to hold it against you regardless of what you do.

this

jay-tea · December 2010

I would short sheet her bed. But I'm passive aggressive and childish.

shaysmom05 · December 2010

I see it as damned if you do, damned if you don't. Surely your MIL sees that it's completely irrational for her to behave like that. I would simply apologize and leave it at that. Even if she harbors it forever, you only see her maybe once a year, and anyone that really knows her and the situation knows what really happened vs what she has to say.

I'm sorry hon.

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WWPGALD? (IL holiday drama ment'd) NBR and long

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