Complicated situation, unsure what to do/say (ticker in siggy)

Vespah · December 2010

Sorry this is a bit complicated and lengthy. I know the pain of IF (3 years trying, and 3 IUI's to conceive) so I thought I'd know what to say, but I just don't.

My SIL is single, but TTC with donor sperm. She wants to raise her child regardless of a man being in the picture or not. She has an excellent family support structure and been saving financially for many many years, and we are all rooting for her. This child would have many uncles, aunts, and (soon to be) cousins. Well, her 4th IUI just failed earlier this week and she's devastated. She'll be moving onto IVF in March, provided any of the IUI's between now and then don't work for her.

The complicated part is, her sister (my other SIL) is also pregnant and due in January. I'm due in April, and our other SIL just announced she is due in August (They have been trying for 2 years, she's 42 and they were doubtful it would happen at all)

So, this first SIL is surrounded by pregnant sisters/SIL, in a very tight family, and we just don't know what to say. We don't want to upset her, but we also all don't want to feel guilty that we are happy the 3 of us are PG all at the same time (2 of which were 2+ years trying). She pretty much ignored me all last night at the family dinner. I made a point to sit next to her a few times to give her a chance to say anything, but all was silent, and so I didn't stay long.

I know what she's going though, I've been there with the IF and IUI's, and with lots of people around me PG. But because we are all family I feel like she is in a different place, and so I don't know what I can say, or if I should even say anything.

I for sure don't want her to think that she has no support from me, but I can see her distancing herself as time goes on, which would be really terrible for everybody. She's usually an amazingly happy and bubbly person, and atm she is just very down and obviously grieving (completely understandable of course) I just don't know what I can do to help her through this.

Any thoughts?

Thanks everybody .You are all an amazing group, and I wish you all the best in your struggles with IF.

Tanya+Da · December 2010

My first thought is to give her space. She is obviously not dealing well, and although you mean well, following her around with your baby belly is probably not helping getting you two closer.

I think it would be helpful if you let her know that you support her, but also that you understand it may be hard for her to come to you. She probably already feels bad enough that she is jealous/grieving and not as supportive of you as she wants to be.

You are sweet for caring so much! Good luck!

SeptemberBride'08 · December 2010

Maybe right her a heartfelt letter telling her how much you love and care for her. Let her know that since you've been there with the IUI's and IVF's that you know the stress it can cause and will respect her wishes if she needs space and that you will still be there when she's ready.

I think it's great that you are so concerned for her feelings. Good luck and I hope everything works out for your SIL.

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Complicated situation, unsure what to do/say (ticker in siggy)

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