"R u preggers"?

Nature Lover · December 2010

Really? Did someone just ask me that? WHo asks someone that? I put my Christmas Card on FB (the one I posted here that says "From our Tiny Family to Yours" and has me, DH and our two dogs). I accompanied it with a message that said "My heart is so full. Happy Holidays to all of you". A friend, but not THAT close of a friend, snet me a private message on FB that said "R U preggers"? I was soooooooo irritated. Who asks that? Even if it were any of her business (which its not) and even if we weren't dealing with IF (which we are) WHO ASKS THAT? Did she think I look fat? Did she think that the only reason my heart could be full would be if I were pg? Did she think that because I referred to our "tiny family" that we couldn't be a family without a baby (I clearly listed our "family" members by name including the dogs). Anyway I read that and in a split second without thinking shot back a response. I committed an EUI - emailing under the influence. And in this case it was the influence of a good dose of pissed-off-ness (no booze). I responded to "R u preggers" with "No I'm infertile. Merry Christmas to me".

Oh my goodness! I guess I am "out of the closet"! And I felt sooooooooo bad for being such a B to her and worried how awful she would feel. And then I though that is rediculous. I am not the one who behaved badly! All I did was be infertile. She's the one who behaved badly. Why should I feel bad if my honest reply makes her feel uncomfortable. Of course I worried needlessly because she wrote back exactly what we would expect - a well-meant but terribly inappropriate response about how it will happen for us b/c we are good people (b/c only good people have babies and all IFers must be bad people), and when we least expect it, and relax, have faith, complete with a story about someone who adopted (b/c all IFers need a fertile to tell us we should grow our family through adoption) AND how that person who adopted then magically got KU and had a baby (b/c that's the way it will happen for all of us).

OK so... I am not that fragile so I can handle this (it did sting when I first saw that "R U preggers" message b/c I wish I were but teh rest was no surprise). But really what is wrong with our society????????? Where did we all go wrong with teaching people to have proper etiquette? Why is it so "weird" to be infertile when 20% of the population deal with this? Just so very odd and perplexing to me. I get it b/c before I knew about our IF I am sure I unintentionally insulted someone with rediculously insensitive comments like this without even knowing it. But I think its time for some IF PSAs. Someone should do an ad campaign!

jennype · December 2010

Odd way to ask the question, for sure. Unfortunately, most people do not know what we are going through. It is a common question for some to ask women our age. It stings.

What pisses me off are the ones that start in with "it will happen when it's time" and "just relax" and "if it is meant to be" bullshit. I get that all of the time and I say "well, sometimes it takes more than relaxing. I actually have been dx with a medical problem." that usually shuts them up. I was on the phone with a friend yesterday who know what I am going htru and she tells me she has been trying for 10 months. She then says "it will happen when it is meant to be. It will happen naturally." Really? So, if I had just waited another 10 years it might have happened naturally. Some people just have no clue. I should not have said this, but I told her that for women 35 and older they should see a dr. after trying 1yr.

jamielynnohio · December 2010

I am so sorry. I got tired of the comments like that so I posted this on my facebook wall back in October- https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

I HTH!! Hugs!

tinkerbelle · December 2010

Seriously! What happened to people being polite. Even if you think someone is pregnant, you don't say anything until that person makes the announcement. I don't care how obvious it is. And if people post a happy/hopeful status on Facebook, there could be many different reasons for it.

I hate the whole "it will happen when it's time/when you least expect it/when you adopt" crap. We knew a couple a few years ago who were expecting. I think I mentioned my struggles with IF to the wife (not sure) but she said "I believe/I've heard that when you heart just can't contain anymore love, THAT'S when God send you a child, because it means you're ready to share that love with him/her." Blech. So obviously, I must not have had enough love in my heart at that time, otherwise I would have been pregnant already! Clueless...

kelfeen · December 2010

I full heartedly believe there needs to be a PSA. Can we join forces and make that happen please?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. AND about miscarriages. I HATE that it is called "Missed Abortion" by the medical community and wonder if there is anything that can be done to get that changed. I know that would be very hard to do. But most thing are.

I have been thinking about a campaign to the local surgery centers that provides some sort of care package to people that are getting a D&C or D&E. I think most of them in my area do special things for late loss and still borns but I wonder if more can be done.

And I hate that people make the stupid IF comments and wonder on what day I will snap when someone says "just relax." IMHO I think it is comments like that and the stories people tell are why we IFers keep it to ourselves and deal with it alone. I keep trying to think of HOW to take these complaints of mine and turn it into action....

Because ultimately - it's true. If you dont tell someone you are IF then they dont know and will make stupid comments. But what? Do you jsut post on your facebook.. "I just wanted everyone to know that after 18 months of trying. 3 surgeries, tons of tests i am officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility!"

Nature Lover · December 2010

well Kelfeen if you do post that on FB then you will jsut get more of the smae "Oh i'm So sorry. Have faith, I had a a friend who had a friend, who stood on her head and put turtles on each foot and voila she got KU - you should try that". I think for sure that I am going to post something when it is IF awareness day (in April I think?) and say it is IF awareness day and post the link to the IF ettiquette on Resolve that PP sent (I had read that before and thought it was very good). I would LOVE to do an ad campaign but the only ones to support it would be IFers and all of our money goes to REs!!!!!!!!! Maybe we could get the govt to provide a gratn - but the govt is busy doing ads to try to get more people to have babies, NOT to get people to accept those who don't or can't.

A lobbying campaign to the AMA might be in order to get them to change their terminology (having never been pregnant I had no idea they used the term "missed abortion"). Anyway, everyone can expect to read soon about me snapping soon and really giving someone an earful (very well be the in-laws over Christmas). This was probably a pre-cursor. I certainly didn't plan to come out of the closest but when I saw the "R u preggers" I just couldn't help responding "no I'm infertile". I do suspect that she will not ask me that again!

HarperM · December 2010

Uggggh so annoying. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

When I get asked the, "So are you preggo yet?" I always respond with:

"No. And if I WAS and WANTED YOU TO KNOW... don't ya think you would?"

Tanya+Da · December 2010

My response usually says something like "I am not sure what preggers means. If it means what I think it might, the word is pregnant, not preggers, not preggo. And No. "

Sorry you had to go through this!

lauren9317 · December 2010

Wow, what a dipshiit she is. I think I would have written back: "No, R u?"

Want a personalized experience?

"R u preggers"?

Re: &quot;R u preggers&quot;?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

&quot;R u preggers&quot;?

Re: &amp;quot;R u preggers&amp;quot;?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

"R u preggers"?

Re: "R u preggers"?