How is your husband / SO doing?

ohbabyoh · December 2010

It took my husband a couple of days to snap out of the shock and now all I can see in his eyes now is pain. It is so hard. We are mourning together and doing our best to be strong for each other. But I can see that he is worried about me physically and I actually feel fine in that way. I know everything (or nearly so) has passed and I know my body...

I've had an u/s and bloodwork that basically say that my miscarriage was "spontaneous". I am trying to get my head into a place where I can accept that as an answer to our pain and move on to try again for the family we've dreamed of. Long story short he's having difficulty in that respect.

I kind of feel like our men are sometimes forgotten, or at least not acknowledged as they should be for their loss. Three ladies at his work sent flowers with cards addressed just to me, which kind of hurts. One kind woman wrote a very nice letter just to him.

Tell me how your husband or significant other is doing. My thoughts and prayers are with all Dads in pain tonight.

tew213 · December 2010

My husband is doing ok now ( about 5 weeks after the m/c). At first he was very sad and felt guilty. I knew from a few weeks on something was off, but he continued to be postive. When the m/c was confirmed, he said he felt like an a** b/c he kept saying it would all be ok. He was more concerned for how I was doing and took care of me and our house. He has been amazing and I am so grateful! We talk about it often and get sad together, but we are both looking forward to having out 'take home' children!

MrsAtch · December 2010

My DH Andy is doing okay. His best friend came and stayed with us for almost a week, and is leaving today. It has helped him tremendously. I think you're right- the men are often forgotten. My family and friends and coworkers have tried really hard to let him know that they are thinking of him, but ultimately I think the experience is just different for moms. He has tried so hard to be supportive that I think that he has had a hard time in the last couple of weeks actually letting himself grieve. He knows I've been struggling but he processes things very differently than I do. We are preparing to start TTC again and he has been really respectful about trying whenever I'm ready, but I worry that he gets lost in the shuffle. He suggested we have a date night tonight and just spend some time together. I think that's his way of trying to share this with me.

petitbelle · December 2010

My husband has his days...some days he's fine. Others, he can be depressed or absolutely hysterical. Our friends and family have been really supportive though. He tells me it's not just that he lost his twins, but he lost his BOYS. Just like he'll never really understand what it feels like for a mother to lose her children, I'll never completely understand what it's like for a father to lose his sons. I'll C&P something he wrote the other day to see his point of view:

Warning: This is LONG

March 21, 2010, it was the day of Abby?s birthday. I just bought a new bike for my birthday and was out riding it. When I got back Samantha told me she thought she was pregnant. I was excited and told her to take a test real quick to see what it says, she wanted to wait but I talked her into it. Five minutes later we found out we would have a baby on the way! ?Don?t tell anyone right now!? was the words I heard after that. So I got on facebook and told everyone that I had a surprise that I couldn?t say anything about but in nine months I would tell everyone! Well obviously congratulations starting filling my page, people knew what was going on. We called Florence, Jordie, and a few more close friends and family to tell them the news. I told everyone! Six weeks later was her doctor?s appointment with Dr. Hall. We went in for blood work and the normal first routine. They told us the blood work looked a little different but we would know more tomorrow.

That day we were sitting in the Mexican restaurant in the Alex mall talking about it. I called Pastor to let him know what was going on and to keep us in his prayers. We sat down to eat and both talked about it. We had been in this situation, before Abby was born, with the first miscarriage. We both agreed that whatever the results were tomorrow that it would be ok because we already had our angel and she was enough for right now. The next day (I think) we went to the doctor?s appointment to see what was going on. Not knowing that my world would change forever that day. They took Samantha back, then a few minutes later Mrs. Sheryl called for me. I walked toward the back to the sonogram room and Dr. Hall and Gayla started following me on in. I knew then something wasn?t right or should I say normal. Mrs. Sheryl took the wand and rolled it over Samantha?s belly and said there is baby A and up here is baby B! Dr. Hall said ?its twins!? All I could say was Oh my God Oh my God! They told me to sit down before I passed out. I called everyone telling them that day that we were having twins! No one believed me because the week before on April fool?s day I messed with everyone about it. But sure enough it was true, we were having twins!

I?ll never be able to describe the feeling of a father knowing that he has twins on the way! It was the most incredible feeling I had ever known. We were both just over joyed. We went home and right away told Abby that she had two baby?s coming! The feeling got better in just a few more weeks.

We had to go see a specialist in Lafayette, Dr. Barrilleuax. He was one of the best and nicest doctors I had ever met. He sat down with us and talked about twin pregnancies and put Samantha on a high calorie diet. Then was the sonogram! He took us in there and told us that we probably wouldn?t know what the sex of the babies was because it was too early to tell. ?But I can tell you that it?s boy?s and there identical.? He said. I thought I was excited about twin; when he said identical twin boys I was over joyed! There is not a feeling in this world like it, I had passed cloud nine and shot up to cloud 20! It was incredible! We immediately called everyone letting them know we were having twin boys!

The next few months after that would be a little rocky but God would perform miracle after miracle for us. We went back to the specialist a few weeks later and he told us Samantha needed a circlage because she wouldn?t be able to carry the twins. I called Bro and Sis Poole to let them know she would be in surgery the next morning in Lafayette. They came down as soon as they could to be with us. Dr. Barrilleaux was so impressed with our pastor and his wife. He just went own and own about how great people they were to drive that far to be with us. I have to say they are one of a kind, the best around!

They put Samantha on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy and told us that we wasn?t picking out car seats but were not picking out grave plots either. Over the next few appointments we would see God perform miracles. Her cervix started to grow and he couldn?t believe it. So he let her go to church once a week after this. Our finances were shot, but I didn?t care as long as my wife and kids were healthy. I told Samantha we can always get another car if they have to pick these up but I can?t get another you or Noah and Nathan.

Several months ago Pastor preached a message ?the price of the anointing? and during that message he talks about going through difficult times and that the price of an anointing was a big price. Samantha and I have always wanted to be in the will of God and whatever he has in store for our lives we wanted to be at his service. During that message, what I thought was the enemy trying to scare me; I had a really uneasy feeling about my children and the Lord taking my kids. I started crying and said yes Lord to the anointing. On the phone that evening I told Florence about it and said that?s the one thing I fear the most. Not knowing that in several weeks I would say the same thing as Job did. The one thing that I feared the most has come upon me.

The Sunday morning of Sept 5 2010 the Lord spoke to me during church. Pastor was preaching ?Not so Lord? and how we can?t say not so and still call him Lord. During the message God spoke to me and said he?s talking to you. I shrugged it off and said it?s because of the way our finances are and were struggling to pay our bills right now. But the Lord spoke to me and said no things are going to get worse before they get good. That morning I cried and prayed for God to give us strength for whatever comes. On the way home I actually forgot about it and kind of played it off. Not knowing that we would go through one of the most difficult times in just a few hours. That night we got ready for church and came on to church. Samantha kept complaining that she felt sick at her stomach I asked if she needed to go home and she said no. During service Jordie and a few others came a prayed for her. After church we went to Jordie?s to eat pizza and visit. Florence and Bethany went to Sonny?s to get the food and was coming right back. During this time we all decided to change clothes and get ready to eat. Samantha went to the guest bathroom to change and use the restroom. I heard her screaming for me in the back and I ran down the hall to see what was going on. When I got back there it was the most horrifying thing I could imagine. Not wanting to get to graphic right now but there was so much blood. She asked for a towel and told me to help her to the car we needed to go to the hospital.

On the way there she called Dr. Hall and he told her to get to the labor E.R as soon as possible. I made an hour drive in twenty minutes. When we got there Dr. Hall met us in the back and told the nurses to try to find the baby?s heart beats on the monitor. They could only find one heart beat and it was in the 170?s (it was Samantha?s). He cut her stitches and told us to get ready that we were going to have babies tonight. We suited up for surgery and they took us back.

After they got the babies out I could hear NICU in the back working with Noah and Nathan. They kept pushing epee and asking for more. Being married to a NICU nurse I knew what was going on but I was hoping I was wrong. I kept asking Samantha what they were doing and praying to God for a heartbeat. But it never happened. They took me back in the room where Dianne, Florence, Jordie and pastor were, with several others, to wait on the doctors. Dr. Hall and Dr. Schroeder walked in together to tell me the news. Dr. Hall looked at me and said we lost them. He said we tried everything we could but they lost too much blood. Dr. Schroeder assured me NICU tried everything but it was just no hope. I knew they did all they could. Dr. Hall asked me to go back there with him to tell Samantha. That was the longest and hardest night of our lives. That night God took my baby boys to heaven to wait on me and there mommy and sister till we can get there. My dreams, hopes and faith were shattered that night. I wondered how God could give us notable miracles through this whole pregnancy and then right here at the end take our precious boys away from us! The next few months we would experience so many different emotions; Anger, Depression, confusion. I?ve always heard it said that God doesn?t take something away that he doesn?t provide you with something better in its place. But the problem I had and still do from time to time is: what could God possibly give me in place of Noah and Nathan that would be better. Another child? That still couldn?t possibly be ?better?. A financial blessing? A billion dollars couldn?t take the place of those twins. What can He do to make this ?better?? I?ll probably never know here on this earth but I know where they are! And I know that I am determined to see them again over there! If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. My hope is not down here but up there!

MrsAtch · December 2010

His writing breaks my heart. Please know that I am thinking of both of you and wishing you peace. Thoughts and prayers are heading your way. ((hug))

ohbabyoh · December 2010

petitbelle - thank you for sharing your husband's writing. It is truly heartbreaking to read and yet, so beautiful. Peace to you both over the holidays.

Manderlin923 · December 2010

I'm so sorry for all your losses This is such a terrible thing to go through and it's just heartbreaking. I feel like a part of me has died.

OP, my DH is doing fine. I mean, he is sad but he explained it this way, he is mostly sad for me. He hates seeing me in pain. He was excited about the baby but to him, it wasn't really "real" yet because I was so early. For him, when I was pregnant with DS, he became really connected once he could see my big belly and feel DS kick, you know? It's so different for me. I have already "seen" this baby (and my first loss). I have already had hopes and dreams for each, imagined them in the future in my arms, feeding them, wondering who they'd look like. They were already my babies.

I think he's mostly concerned with this happening again. He's afraid to ttc. I am too.

I wish all of you on this board a wonderful holiday and hope you can find a moment or two of peace. I want to do something nice to remember my baby. Last loss we planted a hydrangea plant for that baby. It's obviously not the season for that now so I'm not sure what we'll do....

styme46 · December 2010

We were in the middle of a whirlwind when we got the final word that I had definitely had a missed miscarriage, even though we didn't really "miss" it, I just hadn't passed anything yet.

My dad's funeral was the day I had the confirming ultrasound so we were dealing with that grief at the time as well.

The only emotion my FI showed was just to tell me that he loved my dad too and that this was his baby too, but he didn't cry or anything.

Then we found out that my loser, deadbeat, alcoholic xh and his loser, deadbeat xgf are expecting a baby in April and that's when he got pissed off and bitter and actually started showing some emotion. So right now, he's angry that dd's dad (who doesn't have a job, can't pay child support, and just entered rehab on Tuesday) is having another kid, yet we (who both have good jobs, good heads on our shoulders, and fully support dd both financially and emotionally) lost our baby. He's at the "it's not fair" stage right now.

WifeyWynn0626 · December 2010

My DH is not one to show his emotions easily. But this broke him instantly. He was kinda distant at first when I got my BFP, trying to process being a father, worrying about the future, ect. Then he slowly started to warm up to the idea, he even took me window shopping to a couple of baby stores to look at ideas for our future nursery. So, it was like just as he was accepting the idea and getting excited, his world fell apart. He's trying his hardest to be strong for me but, when he came home from work yesterday, you could just tell all the questions and comfort he received really bothered him. Thankfully, he hasn't pulled away from me and agreed we will TTC again so, it will take awhile to heal but, at least we'll be doing it together.

DragonflyBelle · December 2010

DH definitely has his good days and his bad days just like me. When he's having a bad day, he always calls on his way home and tells me he will be late because he's "going to see his daughter", which means he's going by the columbarium at church. I can definitely see his anger bubble up now and again fairly easily when it used to be so very rare. It has changed both of us immeasurably, but one piece of advice we got from an aunt that has been through this was "cling to eachother and grieve together and let it strengthen you...or it will tear you apart". I try to be very patient with him, as he is with me.

I got him a nice steel dogtag with tribal wings on the front and had "I will love you always, Daddy. Love, Cailin Marie" engraved on the back for him for Christmas.

I never want to forget that we both made Cailin out of love for eachother. He is hurting too.

DragonflyBelle · December 2010

petitbelle:

My husband has his days...some days he's fine. Others, he can be depressed or absolutely hysterical. Our friends and family have been really supportive though. He tells me it's not just that he lost his twins, but he lost his BOYS. Just like he'll never really understand what it feels like for a mother to lose her children, I'll never completely understand what it's like for a father to lose his sons. I'll C&P something he wrote the other day to see his point of view:

Warning: This is LONG

March 21, 2010, it was the day of Abby?s birthday. I just bought a new bike for my birthday and was out riding it. When I got back Samantha told me she thought she was pregnant. I was excited and told her to take a test real quick to see what it says, she wanted to wait but I talked her into it. Five minutes later we found out we would have a baby on the way! ?Don?t tell anyone right now!? was the words I heard after that. So I got on facebook and told everyone that I had a surprise that I couldn?t say anything about but in nine months I would tell everyone! Well obviously congratulations starting filling my page, people knew what was going on. We called Florence, Jordie, and a few more close friends and family to tell them the news. I told everyone! Six weeks later was her doctor?s appointment with Dr. Hall. We went in for blood work and the normal first routine. They told us the blood work looked a little different but we would know more tomorrow.

That day we were sitting in the Mexican restaurant in the Alex mall talking about it. I called Pastor to let him know what was going on and to keep us in his prayers. We sat down to eat and both talked about it. We had been in this situation, before Abby was born, with the first miscarriage. We both agreed that whatever the results were tomorrow that it would be ok because we already had our angel and she was enough for right now. The next day (I think) we went to the doctor?s appointment to see what was going on. Not knowing that my world would change forever that day. They took Samantha back, then a few minutes later Mrs. Sheryl called for me. I walked toward the back to the sonogram room and Dr. Hall and Gayla started following me on in. I knew then something wasn?t right or should I say normal. Mrs. Sheryl took the wand and rolled it over Samantha?s belly and said there is baby A and up here is baby B! Dr. Hall said ?its twins!? All I could say was Oh my God Oh my God! They told me to sit down before I passed out. I called everyone telling them that day that we were having twins! No one believed me because the week before on April fool?s day I messed with everyone about it. But sure enough it was true, we were having twins!

I?ll never be able to describe the feeling of a father knowing that he has twins on the way! It was the most incredible feeling I had ever known. We were both just over joyed. We went home and right away told Abby that she had two baby?s coming! The feeling got better in just a few more weeks.

We had to go see a specialist in Lafayette, Dr. Barrilleuax. He was one of the best and nicest doctors I had ever met. He sat down with us and talked about twin pregnancies and put Samantha on a high calorie diet. Then was the sonogram! He took us in there and told us that we probably wouldn?t know what the sex of the babies was because it was too early to tell. ?But I can tell you that it?s boy?s and there identical.? He said. I thought I was excited about twin; when he said identical twin boys I was over joyed! There is not a feeling in this world like it, I had passed cloud nine and shot up to cloud 20! It was incredible! We immediately called everyone letting them know we were having twin boys!

The next few months after that would be a little rocky but God would perform miracle after miracle for us. We went back to the specialist a few weeks later and he told us Samantha needed a circlage because she wouldn?t be able to carry the twins. I called Bro and Sis Poole to let them know she would be in surgery the next morning in Lafayette. They came down as soon as they could to be with us. Dr. Barrilleaux was so impressed with our pastor and his wife. He just went own and own about how great people they were to drive that far to be with us. I have to say they are one of a kind, the best around!

They put Samantha on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy and told us that we wasn?t picking out car seats but were not picking out grave plots either. Over the next few appointments we would see God perform miracles. Her cervix started to grow and he couldn?t believe it. So he let her go to church once a week after this. Our finances were shot, but I didn?t care as long as my wife and kids were healthy. I told Samantha we can always get another car if they have to pick these up but I can?t get another you or Noah and Nathan.

Several months ago Pastor preached a message ?the price of the anointing? and during that message he talks about going through difficult times and that the price of an anointing was a big price. Samantha and I have always wanted to be in the will of God and whatever he has in store for our lives we wanted to be at his service. During that message, what I thought was the enemy trying to scare me; I had a really uneasy feeling about my children and the Lord taking my kids. I started crying and said yes Lord to the anointing. On the phone that evening I told Florence about it and said that?s the one thing I fear the most. Not knowing that in several weeks I would say the same thing as Job did. The one thing that I feared the most has come upon me.

The Sunday morning of Sept 5 2010 the Lord spoke to me during church. Pastor was preaching ?Not so Lord? and how we can?t say not so and still call him Lord. During the message God spoke to me and said he?s talking to you. I shrugged it off and said it?s because of the way our finances are and were struggling to pay our bills right now. But the Lord spoke to me and said no things are going to get worse before they get good. That morning I cried and prayed for God to give us strength for whatever comes. On the way home I actually forgot about it and kind of played it off. Not knowing that we would go through one of the most difficult times in just a few hours. That night we got ready for church and came on to church. Samantha kept complaining that she felt sick at her stomach I asked if she needed to go home and she said no. During service Jordie and a few others came a prayed for her. After church we went to Jordie?s to eat pizza and visit. Florence and Bethany went to Sonny?s to get the food and was coming right back. During this time we all decided to change clothes and get ready to eat. Samantha went to the guest bathroom to change and use the restroom. I heard her screaming for me in the back and I ran down the hall to see what was going on. When I got back there it was the most horrifying thing I could imagine. Not wanting to get to graphic right now but there was so much blood. She asked for a towel and told me to help her to the car we needed to go to the hospital.

On the way there she called Dr. Hall and he told her to get to the labor E.R as soon as possible. I made an hour drive in twenty minutes. When we got there Dr. Hall met us in the back and told the nurses to try to find the baby?s heart beats on the monitor. They could only find one heart beat and it was in the 170?s (it was Samantha?s). He cut her stitches and told us to get ready that we were going to have babies tonight. We suited up for surgery and they took us back.

After they got the babies out I could hear NICU in the back working with Noah and Nathan. They kept pushing epee and asking for more. Being married to a NICU nurse I knew what was going on but I was hoping I was wrong. I kept asking Samantha what they were doing and praying to God for a heartbeat. But it never happened. They took me back in the room where Dianne, Florence, Jordie and pastor were, with several others, to wait on the doctors. Dr. Hall and Dr. Schroeder walked in together to tell me the news. Dr. Hall looked at me and said we lost them. He said we tried everything we could but they lost too much blood. Dr. Schroeder assured me NICU tried everything but it was just no hope. I knew they did all they could. Dr. Hall asked me to go back there with him to tell Samantha. That was the longest and hardest night of our lives. That night God took my baby boys to heaven to wait on me and there mommy and sister till we can get there. My dreams, hopes and faith were shattered that night. I wondered how God could give us notable miracles through this whole pregnancy and then right here at the end take our precious boys away from us! The next few months we would experience so many different emotions; Anger, Depression, confusion. I?ve always heard it said that God doesn?t take something away that he doesn?t provide you with something better in its place. But the problem I had and still do from time to time is: what could God possibly give me in place of Noah and Nathan that would be better. Another child? That still couldn?t possibly be ?better?. A financial blessing? A billion dollars couldn?t take the place of those twins. What can He do to make this ?better?? I?ll probably never know here on this earth but I know where they are! And I know that I am determined to see them again over there! If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. My hope is not down here but up there!

You and I live in the same town I think!

ambs21 · December 2010

My husband seems fine, and sometimes it really makes me mad. Not that I want him to be miserable, but I feel like it was just my loss. He says there will be more babies, but I wanted these babies. I think it's just different for him. I've read that a woman becomes a mom with a pregnancy, but a man becomes a dad with the birth of his child. I guess it just wasn't the same for him. He also wasn't there for appointments to see them wiggling then very very still. Maybe I'd feel differently too if I didn't have those images in my head.

baloneydisc · December 2010

When we first found out our first baby no longer had a heartbeat I thought DH was going to pass out, or throw up, or both. We both took a few days off from work & stayed home together, just spending time together. As soon as we were cleared to TTC again he wanted to start trying right away. I got pregnant again right away, but lost that one too. I think he sort of expected it that time.

We will start TTC again in February with the help of my RE. I really thought he was ok until two nights ago. He told me that he didn't want to celebrate Christmas. He said he feels like Christmas is for kids and that he doesn't have a reason to celebrate this year. It has been almost 4-months since the first m/c & I don't think DH will really be "ok" until we bring a baby home from the hospital.

MrsAtch · December 2010

Last night DH said "It would be much more devastating if you had frozen your husbands sperm and when you tried to use it you lost the baby" (He was referencing a Law and Order episode... don't ask.) I wanted to kill him. I'm still angry that he is at the point where he can "joke" about our MC. It hasn't even been a month. I know that's how he processes grief but it made me sick to my stomach. We are preparing to start TTC again and I'm terrified I'll end up back on this board

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