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Parenting after 35
annual review - what am I missing?
I had my annual work review last week. It's all arbitrary so not to be taken too, too seriously. I'm doing fine - about where I should be compared with the doctors I work with in terms of skill, experience level, production, and the kind of medicine I am interested in (dermatology is way less impressive than ER). Apparently, I have a bad attitude. As the week wears on and everyone cycles through their review it turns out that all of the doctors have bad attitudes. There are good reasons for this...
Anyway, I get home and am talking to Tim and he says, "Oh speaking of your bad attitude, I've been meaning to talk to you about something." Can you see where this is going? There are a few things that he has asked me to do that I haven't done (put away the tire chains from Tahoe while he was in Chicago, read a finance book, etc.) and this translated into a sweeping statement: "I can't count on you for anything." Anything? Really, anything? Swear to God, those were the words from his lips and they were directed at me. There are some real hurt feelings under his words - he is usually a much better communicator that that.
I've been depressed and p!ssed for over a solid week now. I haven't been around here - I haven't been around anywhere. I mean, I try hard - like really, really hard - to make a home and a life for us, to be a good mom, to be a good wife, to be a good professional. I can't do it all perfectly, which is a real disappointment to me. There is a lot of juggling and some things just don't get done. Often times, I am the one to sacrifice something personal (running, a shower, bumping) in favor of keeping some part of our family afloat.
I can't get it all done, I still haven't hit this elusive "stride" I read about, and "balance" is like a foreign language to me. I don't even know what I want to accomplish with this post - just venting I guess.
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Re: annual review - what am I missing?
That's a toughie. Did he know that those words would be hurtful or was he just venting? It's hard to imagine his thoughts, but I hope they weren't intentionally to hurt you.
I am not going to tell you anything you don't already know. You ARE doing it all. Beautifully. A working Mother, a Wife, and about a gazillion other titles can be entered here. I'm sure this fact hasn't alluded him. He might be hurt about something else.
I hope you can find a way to tell him how you are feeling instead of letting it fester.
Hugs.
oh man, i just posted something similar yesterday... i'm SO sorry you've been made to feel this way! not cool. AT ALL.
my goodness, we're not superhuman.
::Hugs::
click the pic (blog)
If I'm remembering my research right, dermatological problems are the #1 reason for vet visits in this country. Maybe it's not as sexy as doing a bloat/gastric torsion surgery but it's obviously important and a good area to have an interest in! I've taken my dogs to see the dermatologist at UC Davis...so there's obviously a market for it! But then I've also spent enough $ at the Reno emergency ER to buy them their own exam room!
(typical stuff like porcupine quilling, ingesting toxins, HBC, etc...fortunately no bloat surgeries, knock on wood!)
As for bad attitude, what exactly did your employer mean? Are you getting burned out on the job or do you just have low tolerance for stupid pet owners? If it's the latter then I've got the worst attitude of all!
And by the way, my own veterinarian has such a "bad attitude" he's moved around from one vet clinic to another for years, couldn't get along with staff/management and he finally opened his own practice and is the best and most successful vet ever! He is awesome and everyone loves him, patients and owners alike. Maybe that's the route you should take. Then you wouldn't have to deal with annual reviews.
Sucks that your DH used those words against you but the holidays make everyone crazy. Hang in there, this week will be over soon!
Sounds like you two need some time to talk about how each of you is frustrated. I would recommend going out to dinner without your LO. A public place makes sure that neither one of you starts yelling or making accusations. It sounds like both of you are frustrated in this situation and a little time together to work it out would help.
As for your work attitude, I think it has to do with stupid pet owners. Vets are very smart. I know that you have heard the old joke about "Where do people go when they can not get into Vet School?" "Medical School" I had no idea there were so many different specializations. Around here we have small animal vets and large animal vets.
I think it is time to talk to your DH. Do your best at work and that's all you can do. They didn't hire you to be a Disneyland Tour guide for the love of pete. Perky shouldn't matter.
But your DH's comments were way out of line. DH did something like that to me and I was REALLY upset. So I sat him down and told him. And it worked! He really made an effort to be more supportive, open (not bottling things up) and giving. So to paraphrase what I told him, you might try "you know, what you said to me was so hurtful that it still really upsets me. I realize that I may have some things to do around the house and am making an effort but instead of recognizing what I DO, you criticize what I don't. I think having some recognition of how much effort I do put into things can go a long way into inspiring me to perform more tasks and good deeds. And realize there might also be times where I simply can't get it all done and need your help, not hurt. And coming to you with a vent about my performance review, for example, might have been a more appropriate time for a soothing word and a hug, not a broadside blast of criticism that you bottled up and decided to unload all at once in a hurtful and nonproductive manner."
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I am so sorry. I have no words of advice because my DH is fed up me as well.
Oh to have it all!
When you find your stride, please tell us how to achieve it, because I am still waiting after 20 years.
You can only do what you can do and your dh should understand that. It does sound like he might be upset about something other than chains and a book though, because, seriously, are those so important that not getting them done in his preferred time frame that it could cause him to see you that differently?? That seems a bit much.
(sorry if that was hard to follow..so tired...and I DO have a bad attitude )
Sorry he said that. Looks like you and him need to do some serious talking.
It sounds like something a lot of us have seen lately. Not the review, that sounds like it was just one of those things and you needed a good vent... but what your husband said. I hesitate to make gender assumptions, because I know guys who are the primary caregiver for children, but it seems like when the guy is in the primary nurturing role his (female) partner helps around the house and offers enough support that he doesn't implode, where the women I know in that role all seem to hold up more than their share with little help or appreciation from their (male) partners.
Rom has been telling me lately he wishes I could keep up with the housework a little better, and he wants me to work harder on learning French. It hits me right where my guilt lives and makes me feel like a failure until I sit and remind myself how hard it is to get anything done with a toddler around.
Much love!