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Parenting after 35
superaunt
member
click the pic (blog)
what am i missing?
superaunt
member
(this is when i know i've spent too much time on message boards but whatevs)
i just feel like such a loser sometimes... there's so much i want to do but seriously jsut don't know how to do it all. i'm away from home M-F from 6am-5pm. when we get home, i feed Sabrina dinner (something fast and easy- chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, an egg, tuna fish, peas, corn, green beans..) and then we play for a bit before bathtime and then bed by 7. DH comes home usually between 6-8 and i'm embarassed to admit that he brings take-out or we order in almost every night (because i'm not sure how or when i'm supposed to cook!). by 9 or 10 i'm dead asleep (hopefully). on the weekends, i get up with Sabrina and we play and i feed her and we play and she naps and i nap or try to knit or do something on the computer with her pictures, etc; she wakes and we play, eat, then nap.
do you guys just let your kids play in an area you can see them while you're cooking or cleaning or baking or crafting, etc? do they not hang on you? i seriously don't get it. i dont' get how some of you guys work, cook dinner, clean house, and take care of a baby. i'm not at all complaining that i'm overwhelmed or cant' handle my life bc i love my life; i simply WANT to be able to do more but just don't know how to make it all work. i WANT to cook more homemade meals. i WANT a cleaner home. i WANT to make baked goods at Christmastime and give them away as gifts. but how? when? what am i missing here?
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Re: what am i missing?
I am with you on not being able to do it all.
I just prioritize what gets done. Holiday cards (yes) baking cookies (no)
I do cook while Matt is there with me in the kitchen and while all of the cabinets have safety locks I keep one unlocked and filled with plastic stacking cups etc. He "sneaks" into that cabinet and plays with the items.
If I am cooking and DH is home he will take care of Matt or vice versa. Matt does get clingy sometimes and we just pass him off as we get stuff done.
One thing that we have been doing is making bigger dinners so we have leftovers. DH made a double batch of stir fry on Sunday and we had it for dinner last night as well.
We do have a housekeeper and gardener which takes a huge burden off of us.
I also have a "mother's helper" come on Sundays. She is a 13 year old girl who plays with Matt while DH and I do stuff around the house. She watches him for two hours and it helps us do projects we otherwise could not.
I used to go all out with wrapping presents. I would hand stencil the paper or create some intricate ribbon pattern but this year - gift bags for everyone!!
I am in the same boat. I manage to cook about three or four nights a week, but it is certainly not effortless. There are some days I have every intention of cooking (and every ingredient I need) and I just can't get it together.
Days that I am off, I am on my own all day, obviously. Then, at 5:00... everybody shows up! My Mom and Dad come over, so does my MIL (but just for a few minutes). My DH gets home at 5:15. By the time he says hello and gets in the shower, he isn't much help to me with getting Sydney's dinner ready. She eats at 6:00. Sometimes he will feed her, sometimes I do, sometimes my Mom and Dad will. They all take off after she is done, I give her a bath, DH gives her a bottle and once she is finally down @ 7:45 or so, I am too darn tired to cook. It's pizza or chinese or something equally bad.
I have been using the crockpot once in a while. It does make it a lot easier. I made Carolina pulled pork two nights ago. I am going to make a big pot of chili this weekend too.
I want to know... when are we all going to sit down at the same time and eat together? It has only happened about three or four times since she has started eating table food.
Sorry, this is very long!
I have the luxury of being able to be home with L right now, but I do understand the feelings of not knowing where to start... No one can do it all, you just can't! We have to prioritize what means the most to you and what is the best benefit to your family. For us that has been dinner as a family, at least one fun activity every week and pretty strict budgeting so I can be home with L until he starts school.
Planning is the key. I am not an organized person by nature, so we plan out everything two weeks at a time. Everything. Meals, activities, groceries, birthdays, dates, work, projects, 'time-off'. Everything that will require us to spend time or money (along with a chuck of free time for each of us independently) goes onto our calendar.
DH gets paid on Tues, so we plan everything out the Sun. before. He has to be involved, he knows its not something I can do alone. By having all the meals written down before I go shopping I know we have the ingredients on hand. There's no "What do you want?" "I dunno, what do you want?" going on. We are a whole lot less likely to order take-out (although we do plan for one night of leftovers and one or two nights of eating out in our plan!) If we decide we aren't in the mood for that nights meal we swap it with another night. This has also helped us to stop eating the same 5 meals every single week!
Along with that, we have a set room that we spend 15 mins in everyday cleaning up. It's a different room everyday. The whole room doesn't get done in 15 mins, but its a whole lot better than when we did nothing and tried to do a marathon clean on the weekends (when we are both tired and cranky and just want to veg and then I'd get mad at him when he actually tried to use the room we'd just cleaned!)
The final thing we've done is to cancel our cable. Drastic I know! DH and I went round and round over this one, but for us it was a good call. We were arguing all the time about how trashed the house was, we were both tired and overwhelmed, we both wanted and needed time to relax, but *nothing* was getting done (including relaxing!) because the damn TV was ALWAYS on. He would come home from work, plop down and not move until dinnertime.
We now have Netflix and he can request any movies or DVDs he wants to see, and we actually spend time together instead of just being in the same room separately. It is amazing how much time we lost to the television without realizing it. Hours every day that just disappeared. Plus getting rid of it saves us a boatload of money every month!
I have an open island in my kitchen, on the bottom shelf is a metal mixing bowl with a couple toys for L (some 'kitchen' toys and wooden spoons) if I'm doing something quick in there he comes in and plays at my feet. If I'm trying to cook a full meal then H takes him and plays in the other room. Sometimes L is being clingy and its a pain in the butt, a couple times I've put him in his highchair with a toy or some puffs so he was out of the way of the oven or splattering foods. Some days it works better than others, but overall it is a fabulous improvement over what we were doing!
I get nothing done when Caroline is awake. She clings to me like velcro and if I were to try to craft (if I were crafty) she would be all in it. So anything I need to get done has to be done while she is asleep. Which means I don't get a tenth of what I would like to get done done. I haven't exercised in months and my house is a wreck. Those are the only two things that really stress me out.
We do tend to cook everynight. Lots of crockpot stuff. Weeknight meals tend to be very quick and simple- chicken breast on the Foreman grill and a bag of those veggies that steam in the bag in the microwave. We just can't afford to eat out every night plus we have DH's son who we have to set an example for and all that.
Anyway, I know I offered no help but just wanted to let you know I sympathize. DH and I were talking about this the other night when I was whining about being so ugly right now but that I didn't know when I was supposed to take care of myself.
I wouldn't be able to get anything done if it weren't for childproofing.
-There's a gate so M can't get into the kitchen. Lots of people - my mom and IL's included - think that he needs to be able to explore the kitchen and pull out pots and pans. Well, we live in a town house and my kitchen is teeny, teeny tiny. Seriously, the floor space is like 3x10 or something like that. I wouldn't be able to cook or do anything in there with him at my feet.
-We have almost no chairs left in our dining room because he can move them and climb onto the table. I pull one out when I need to work at the table/Bump/wrap presents/write cards/pay bills etc, but it is back out of his reach when I'm done.
Those are my 2 main examples. He gets sad after a while with both - cries outside the gate if I'm in the kitchen too long, pulls at me and tries to climb onto my lap when I'm at the table, but I can get a little bit done before stepping away to give him cuddles and we make steady progress.
My Blog
First, let me say this: Our rental is a pig sty. Seriously. Aaron's toys are covered by dog hair because we seldom vacuum. It's a mess. We've totally let the house go. When we move in with my family next month, we're all chipping in to hire a cleaning service come in 2x per month.
As for "how do I do it"? As for cooking dinner... Aaron watches Dora and I cook. The kitchen looks into the living room, so I'm able to monitor the baby and the dog (or I gate the dog into the kitchen with me). I can only handle simple meals while home alone with him. If DH is home, he'll cook more elaborately while I supervise Aaron. Baking is only done on weekends with both of us home (but we're not really big bakers).
Aaron will either eat a simple meal (at 6:30 when we're home) or he'll eat whatever we ate the night before. He can't wait until DH is home (7:30) so I feed him first and then cook dinner.
I never was a crafter or anything, but I love to read to relax. I save that for when DS is asleep. I also do 1-2 loads of laundry at night, after he's asleep.
I'm super lucky in that he can self entertain for long periods of time. I get a lot of work done (at the office) while he's snacking or playing with his Little People farm (best Hanukkah gift). When he naps, I get a lot more done. But there are a lot of things that are pushed aside--both at home and at work--because of him.
I'm definitely online too much. That HAS to change once we move. And my parents will be able to help supervise Aaron but due to their disabilities, they can't babysit him/change him/be alone with him. But at least I'll be able to leave the room and not worry that someone isn't making sure he's not getting into trouble.
Bronx Zoo: Summer 2013
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First off, I can tell you from experience that you will find a grove that works for you. I have always been a working mom. Once you accept the fact the none of us can do it all, it does help.
Someone told me a while ago to try to focus on the things that will matter 100 years from now when looking back. This has helped me focus on what really matters because we can get caught in the little things.
Yes, my kids have always been around or under foot while I get things done. No, I may not have a clean house all the time or at any time for that matter but I do have a loving home.
From all your posts, you are an amazing mom to Sabrina.
Thank goodness Tim is usually home before me. He will wrangle Michael or I will sit him in his high chair with poofs (thank God for poofs). I try to get dinner started and then feed him. I usually make really easy stuff like the PP. Last night was oven fried catfish, lima beans and some kind of pasta side from a box. Other nights it may be something as brainless as spagetti with the sauce from a jar. As for cleaning, we can not afford a housekeeper but I try to do something every night. Last night I was scrubbing the bathroom at 9pm.
For us it takes a lot of planning. I/DH cook dinner at least 6 nights a week. The other night we might order a pizza, pick up Chinese or I'll do whatever if he is working and not home for dinner. 9 times out of 10 I know what we are having for dinner when I wake up in the morning. We plan meals each week. Esp during cold weather I am using the crockpot at least once a week. We normally eat dinner around 6:30 and that's when Logan eats too. He goes to bed between 8 pm - 9 pm. Our dinners are also fairly simply. Nothing that takes a really long time to prepare. Sometimes I may do some prep work the night before. We have anything from chicken pot pie to soup & sandwiches. Like I said...nothing fancy.
We also split responsibilities. DH works from home and is with Logan all day. He normally takes care of laundry and I keep the kitchen clean. We have a tiny house and when I say tiny, I mean tiny so upkeep really isn't that bad. The hardest part is keeping the hardwood floors clean...dog hair! The day after Thanksgiving Target was selling a Dirty Devil 3-1 stick vac for $9. Best. Purchase. Ever. I use that everynight and sometimes DH uses it during the day. Dog hair drives me mad, so this helps me tremendously!!
While I'm cooking dinner DH helps entertain Logan. We are fortunate. He plays well by himself already, so we use the pack n play when needed. If DH isn't at home and I have something I want to do I'll put him in the pack n play. If he's not in the mood to play then I'll just hold off until he goes to bed or I'll put him in his booster seat and bring him into the kitchen with me.
It's all about finding what works for you.
I put Jack in his highchair the moment we walk in the door. I will move it so he can see me cook, and I give him cheerios and juice to keep him happy. If I need to do something in the kitchen after dinner, he will open the cabinet and pull out all of the pots and pans, or pull all of the linens from the drawer. Thoses are the only two w/o a baby lock on them. The playroom (used to be a formal dining room) is right next to the kitchen, but for some reason he is not interested in going in there when I'm in the kitchen.
I can only clean while he is taking naps, and that's only on the weekends. Otherwise I do a quick pick up after he has gone to bed. I usually hire someone to come in occasionally to do the deep cleaning that I don't have time to do. As much as I try not to rely on Pumpkin, she is pretty good at playing with her brother to keep him busy, and she will clean up things like her bedroom/bathroom so i don't have to do that.
You aren't missing anything. It sucks. We can't do it all. We're up at 5:45 to get ready and leave the house. I'm not home until 6pm after picking up the girls at daycare. I spend the next hour washing bottles, redistributing milk, running interference with a potty training toddler and crying baby (thank goodness she's generally happy to sit in her bouncy seat and watch me). These days DH is home about an hour before me, but he is training for distance cycling races and doesn't do anything before I get home and is usually still biking when we get home.
We are living with dust bunnies, messiness, bathrooms that need scrubbed, floors that need vacuumed, I haven't dusted in months, we have cobwebs on our light fixtures, but our dishes and clothes are washed as well as our bodies. You make do and keep on trucking. When I do have down time I spend it catching up to make things presentable. Dinner is usually canned sauce and pasta, sandwiches or cereal if it isn't take-out. At least we're eating...
We're happy, we laugh, we play, we talk, we sing. That's all that really matters.
DD#1 - January 2008
DD#2 - September 2010
You are so not alone. My IRL friends with kids say that they hit that groove mentioned in the pp around 18 months or so. We are planning meals more than ever - and like several posts said, we cook dinner for ourselves while feeding Ellie leftovers from the previous night and then we eat after she goes to bed. That just works better for us, and since she's usually in bed by 7 these days, we're really not eating too late. Dinners are simplier these days and one night a week are often "prepared" - whether this is a frozen stouffers something or something from the deli counter. As M.Amy mentioned, we're trying to do some double dipping - make a double batch of pasta sauce and freeze for later, etc. I am up at 5:20ish and out the door before she's awake
on weekdays, but I pick her up and we usually get an hour to play and read etc. before her dinner and bed time start. And in that time, I don't get online, I don't have the tv on, I don't answer the phone unless it's DH or my mom. While making her dinner and prepping ours, I do let her play alone - we have an open floor plan - and she's usually very content and happy for that time. I think the LO's need some play time on their own - not sure if this is justification to make me feel better or real, but I'm going with it! I also try to keep on top of getting things straightened or put away, because I find these days one load of laundry becomes two and so on and then it's more overwhelming. And yes, we did just hire a cleaning lady - my surgery and not being able to do diddley right now to help DH really pushed this over the edge, but we'd been talking before so last night I came home to a house that was freshly vacuumed, the kitchen was spotless and, it was worth the check. Oh yes it was!
I don't cook much but when I do I wear S in my Beco on my back because otherwise he wants to be held constantly. He puts up with an hour or two before he wants out so that's enough time to cook or vacuum or wash the floors.