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htomeo
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SS and poor grades (long)
htomeo
member
DSS has been getting poor grades this year, and part of last year. We know he is intelligent. He was in a program for advanced kids for the last three years. However, his effort has dropped dramatically. It is like pulling teeth to get him to do his homework at all. He takes no responsibility for his actions, and always has an excuse. Somehow, it is always someone else's fault. We have pulled his games, tv, and restricted extra activities until he gets caught up. We are at the point where we are following almost every move, just to make sure he is getting caught up. He is in the 6th grade, and we are having a hard time getting him to realize how important his study skills are now.
Help. We are at our wits end.
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Re: SS and poor grades (long)
I had the same problem Hot Mayo. Taking away all toys and grounding him did not work. I finally had to get a tutor.
Frankie has been in the gifted program for years but went on a homework strike and stopped doing work in class. He lacked all motivation and was flunking.
His school has a portal where the download the homework weekly. One teacher gave it a month in advance. I also had the teachers fill out a form weekly about homework he had not turned in.
Then I had the tutor do the homework with him everyday until he caught up. For some reason, once he was more accountable, he shaped up. He is doing great this year!
I'm going to take off my "Mom" hat and put on my "middle school teacher/learning specialist" hat in order to answer your question.
First of all, give up on all attempts to "get him to realize" that study skills are important. Kids aren't morons -- they understand, intellectually, that study skills are important. When they're not performing to their capacity in school, the reason falls into one (or both) of two general categories:
1. Emotional reasons -- It's in the "job description" of adolescents to break away from parents and define themselves. They HAVE to rebel, to an extent, to grow up and become separate individuals. Sometimes, if kids know that their parents really care about school performance, the battleground they choose for rebellion is academics. In this case, the more you push, the more fertile the battleground is for the kid!
Sometimes kids have other, more serious, emotional reasons for not performing in school. These reasons can lurk, hidden, during elementary school, but pop out when the kids hit middle school. Maybe your SS is depressed? Maybe he struggles with anxiety? Maybe he is perfectionistic and it scares him to try and fail?
Maybe he's experiencing social troubles. He could be experimenting with drugs or alcohol -- I can't tell from your post. But these are all things I would have in the back of my mind, if I were his teacher or if you hired me as a tutor for your son.
2. Genuine Academic or Cognitive Issues -- some kids have mild learning issues that never crop up in elementary school, especially if the child is really smart. But the demands of middle school can really bring those issues right into the open. Perhaps he struggles with organization, and the chaos of changing classes in a middle school environment is making it hard for him to keep track of all his subjects? Maybe he sees himself as a real "math whiz" but he's in Pre-Algebra and struggling with his favorite subject for the first time. Maybe he has trouble with written language, and in middle school teachers are assigning a lot of essays or written work.
At any rate, the answer is not to assume that he's just lazy, unmotivated, or "troubled." Don't get into the habit of scolding him and nagging him about his school performance. Honestly, I have never dealt with a situation in which the parents' nagging really had a positive impact on the kid's performance.
Your SS's dad (with you in the background) should position himself as a firm guide and ally to your SS. Tell him you know that, in his heart of hearts, he wants to do well (I guarantee that this is true: no kid enjoys struggling in school) and that you will work with him to help him find a way to improve. Then do that! A good first step is his school guidance counselor. If he/she is not helpful or knowledgeable, ask for a list of referrals to tutors. Then, set up a supportive means to help him: sign off on his assignment book every day and ask teachers to do the same, offer rewards for completed homework, conference regularly with teachers, etc. Don't go at this problem from the "punishment" angle; go at it from a "problem solving" standpoint.
GL!
I just wanted to say that my DD started similar behaviors in 6th grade and it wasn't until now in 8th and those 2 years of struggling and arguing and tears that we finally found out it was one of the first symptoms of her depression and extreme girl on girl bullying.
Now that we've gotten the help she so desperately needed her grades have turned around. The thing that stuck out at me and the exact same thing my DD did was she would do the work but wouldn't bother turning it in b/c she just had a why bother I'm just going to fail anyway attitude.