My mom is being difficult and I'm being a brat(NBFR)
karatechrissy
member
There have been no concrete plans made for Christmas dinner yet. I casually meantioned last week, to my mom, that I might have it at my house, but that I'd ask around the family and see what everyone else wanted to do.
We did a HUGE Christmas Eve dinner at my house last year, I was pregnant, and did it all on my own. It was REALLY hard, not to meantion it was my first year cooking. MIL stood around the kitchen and criticised everything I did, while offering no help at all, and my mom was just annoyed while she tried to help me at the end. (My mom thought others were going to help me, and ended up showing up only 30 min before dinner was to start and I was incredibly behind, so she hurried and helped me) The dinner turned out great in the end but I can't tell you the stress that put on me. I really was hoping to rely on someone else to have that burden fall on them this year, until I can get my act together next year (i.e. NOT be pregnant for a holiday! lol) and do it.
My mom took what I said to heart and was counting on coming over again. I spoke with MIL a few days ago, and she him hawd about it for a while, and finally I flat out said 'I can't handle that stress again this year. If no one will do it, we will all just go out and eat, because I just can't handle it at my house again', so she said she would buy the ham and cook it, but everyone else had to bring the sides. Whatever, that's fine. I told my mom what our plans were, and now she is trying to back out of coming to dinner. She says 'well I'll jsut get a ham and cook at my house and you and your sister and the kids can come over'. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my mom lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment. She has a small dining table that seats 4 people, and it is just not enough room for my sister her husband, and my family. Plus, now MIL is having dinner at her house, so I have to go to 2?
I fought with my mom over the phone yesterday about it. I told her that made absolutely no sense, since MIL is doing everything at her house we can go eat, and get out. She started playing the passive aggressive game of 'oh it's just another day, I'll just stay home with the dog'. UGH! First, my mom is not spending christmas alone. Second, I WOULD go to her house for dinner, but we already commited to MIL's house, and it was just be a huge waste of money for my mom, who can barely make her bills anyway. The last thing she needs is to deal with buying food (which she insists on doing, even though she knows that I know she is broke as a joke) for us all. I'm just flabbergasted. So now I'm thinking of just buckling down and dealing with it and ahving dinner at my house. I have no ham or any food for it so I'd have to go grocery shopping Wednesday or Thursday (when I'm not working) and spend a bunch of money we don't have on food. BC God knows MIL will bring her pea salad and that's it.
I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. I should just go to my mom's and make her happy. IF she could afford this food without borrowing money from me next month to help pay her bills (I usually give her a couple hundred a month to help cover her rent, I usually take it out of my savings so my H doesn't know. My mom has too much pride for me to tell him what's going on) I could do that. But I KNOW she's gonna go spend $100 on food, and then need to borrow money from me to help pay her rent. I have no problem helping with her bills. My mom helped her mom with bills, and now it's my turn. I'm not complaining about that. I'm just not wanting to have to pay MORE than I normally help with because she was stubborn about buying everyone food. So really, I'm buying everyone food, just at a later date.
This is jumbled and everywhere. Sorry. I just needed to vent a bit. I just have to convince her to go to MIL's house and it will be fine. She's just so damn stubborn! (I wonder where I got it from?).
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Re: My mom is being difficult and I'm being a brat(NBFR)
This is why I host holidays. I don't want to run all over, and quite frankly, I think I am a better cook (tooting my own horn, thankyouverymuch).
What stuck out the most though, was that you are giving your mom $ (and a lot) every month) behind your H's back. That would honestly be a divorcable offense in my house. It's not that I would not help out his parents or vice versa, but that type of financial decision needs to be discussed between spouses. If the roles were reveresed how would you feel?
Paris - you are right. I'm being an uber brat about it. I know it shouldn't be such a big deal, I just REALLY don't want it at my house.
Begin, my whine fest: My MIL judges my house up and down when she is over. If I have a thing out of place she has to comment on it. I just hate having her over :-(. She criticizes my hand towels, she doesn't like what I have on my window sil in my kitchen, she gets upset that I don't have all her fancy gadgets she has in her kitchen, and then she just stands there like she doesn't know what to do. Everyone hung out last year and not a soul helped me cook. It was just exasperating. Growing up, everyone helped out in the kitchen so it wasn't just one person serving everyone. Aparantly my MIL thinks it should be just one person serving the masses. Essentially you are right, though. (Also, I dont' know how to cook a Ham? I've never done it :-( Last year I spent $80 on a honey baked ham... I don't want to do that again).
I give my mom money every month. Yes. No, my husband does not know the amount. He knows I help her, but he has no clue with how much. It's the money from my seperate account that I do what I please with. Weather I buy clothes or donate to a charity he has no clue. I totally see where you are coming from that it's a household decision, and I do agree that I should probably tell my husband. I don't think he would be angry, it's more of a keeping my mom's dirty laundry in the closet. She is very upset she has to borrow money to begin with. She pays back most of it, and it goes right back into that account, to help her out the next time. It's more that her paychecks fall on weird weeks a lot where she has bills due days before she gets paid. Sometimes I tell her not to worry about paying me back if I know she is really strapped. I know this isn't the best way to go about it, but it works for now. She has some debt she needs to get out of and I think once she gets it under control, she will be fine without help. She ran credit cards to the max when everyone and their mother was giving credit and she is paying for it now. She just paid off one card, and has some more to go, but is making progress. I can't watch my mom struggle. I just can't. She is my mom. *shrug*. Thank you for pointing out that my husband really should be made aware, though. I didn't really think of it if the roles were reversed.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Oh, I would sell my kidney to help my parents, so I do get it. And my H knows that there will likely come a time when they need our help. They are both in their
mid-60's and while having worked 2-3 jobs each all of their lives to support themselves and their families, they have never really built a retirement fund or have any type of retirement savings at all. It just wasn't available to them until to late in life. But it is something that we both need to be aware of, and deal with. He would never say no, and we do have seperate accounts, but it's just about being open and honest with each other. Your mom doesn't need to know that your H knows. I am sure he won't be like hey, MIL, I hear you are in financial trouble and you need $. I would talk to him about it after the holidays. I would also look at getting your mom some help from a financial planner, or get her a free financial class. They do offer them. Just make sure it isn't some scammy place. I would look for one done through a local community college or a government sponsored one. That would probably be the best thing you can do for her. If her credit is really shot, doing a consolidation (something I normally tell people to run from) might not be a bad idea and a professional (NOT someone from a consolidation place) should be able to point her in the right direction.
As for your MIL. Screw her. She doesn't like your dish towels. How nice. You aren't from the South, so here is a tip. How nice, is code for F-ck you. It makes those types of situations so much more pleasant. Oh, you cook your ham that way, How nice. Oh, you like such and such dish towels better, How nice. You have to learn to let that *** roll off of you. And if no one is helping, simply say, Hey you with the working arms and legs, come over here and do xyz. You would be amazed at how helpful people can be when you give them direction. They may have all been worried you are a kitchen psycho nazi like me and didn't want help. I am crazy. Stay the hell out of my kitchen or risk losing a limb. Even the most uncouth of guests will usually follow the hosts lead.
I am having a pretty formal Christmas dinner. 9 people so not too bad. But the food I am making is pretty intense. I have a schedule that I wrote Saturday, and will stick to as best as possible. Making things ahead of time (although I can't go to the grocery store til Thursday bc of work, grrrr) and really doing as much as possible before Saturday. It will make the day go by much easier that way.
As for cooking. I am not a ham person. That said, I have heard great things about this recipe from those that are, and it is soooooo easy. Potatoes are cheap, filling and easy. Make a big old vat of mashed potatos. There is a recipe for crockpot mashed potatos here. I haven't tried it, but I know the Nestie that posted it on our blog and I trust that it is good (though I WOULD use the stick of butter).
The holidays shouldn't be so stressful. It makes me sad all of the posts that I see on the nest (I am never on tb except for this board) about people freaking over the holidays. I have not finished my shopping, I have to work, and clean my house and cook for 9 people. It's a lot, but it's supposed to be fun. Try not to let it bother you so much, and find a way to enjoy it. For me that is gathering everyone in my home and feeding them till they want to pop. Then sending them on their way! Hopefully we won't have a freaking blizzard so I can do that last part
Me thinks your mom is fussing because she really doesn't want to go over to your MIL's house. And after you described her, I don't blame your mom for not wanting to go. So, even if she knows she has no money to cook the dinner herself, she'd rather do that than go to MIL's house.
As far as doing the dinner at your house, if you really don't want to do it, then don't. But, I think it can go way better than it did last year, if you ask for help and start delegating a bit. Even sending out emails about who should bring what side dish would help a ton. I would also ask, if so and so's could come an hour early to help set up, help finish up the dinner, set the table....etc. Pick whoever you want....maybe your mom could come over early and help set up. IDK - who cares. Delegation and sharing of responsibilities is key. You shouldn't have to slave and you shouldn't have to do everything, even if you're the hostess. Look at your MIL. She said dinner will be at her house, but she immediately said everyone needs to bring a dish. See, she's setting herself up for success. You should do the same thing. Don't stress and enjoy the holidays.