Bonding w/ #2?

JoelsGirl07 · December 2010

As I was driving home from work last night, listening to my pregnancy affirmations, I started to think about how this pregnancy is different from my last one. One of the biggest things I have started to notice is how I don't feel like I have bonded with this baby.

I certainly care about it, and I'm probably doing an infinitely better job of taking care of myself for this child. I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere near the "talk to your belly, rub your belly" part. Maybe when I get further into my hypnobabies I might, but right now I feel connected to the pregnancy, but not my child. Is this just something that happens b/c you are so much more distracted with #2? Anyone found this went away as you got further along?

The reason I posted this on VBAC is because it makes me wonder if my focus is very much on ME - MY birth (although I want to do it my way b/c it gives my baby the safest entry, etc), MY pregnancy, ME ME ME. I feel like something is missing. Maybe it's because I haven't had an US (and honestly am so not caring about it) when we had 16 last time. I have tons of US pictures of my son. My baby is moving now, I feel him/her almost every day. I've had a couple BH in the last couple days (work does it to me). I just don't know, so I was wondering if anyone does/did feel this way, and how you dealt with it.

TIA!

MrsAmers · December 2010

I didn't feel really bonded to either of my kids until they came out. Maybe part of the reason you felt so connected to your son was because of the 16 ultrasounds? I only had one with each kid. In both cases that made being pregnant feel more "real". But while the kids were inside, I just felt like a safe vessel for them. It was when they came out that I felt like their mom.

Don't beat yourself up because you feel differently. You can't expect for each experience with each child to be or feel exactly the same. There will be differences. It doesn't make the experience better or worse than it was for the other kid, just different.

iris427 · December 2010

I'm not feeling as bonded with this baby either. I don't think it has anything to do with my VBAC plans--I was just as focused on wanting a med-free birth last time. I think it's because this is my second pregnancy and 1) it just doesn't have the novelty and excitement like a first pregnancy does and 2) I'm so distracted by my toddler most of the day that it doesn't give me a lot of time to focus on the inside baby.

I have actually had more ultrasounds with this baby than the first time. But we are Team Green this time and we found out last time. So I think part of not bonding as much might be because I don't know what sex this baby is, so it's harder to imagine them as an actual person.

I am excited for this baby, I've just got lots of other stuff going on too. I don't think it means we won't be bonded to our babies later in the pregnancy or once they are here in our arms.

ShansBride · December 2010

I feel the same way. Sad thing is I feel less bonded to this baby than I did to DD. Like I am busier now and just don't have time (or energy) to spend the time coddeling my belly and day dreaming about my baby like I did with DS. We haven't ever found out the sex of our babies and I wonder too if that would help us to bond better. Plus, we haven't had an u/s with this pregnancy either and I wonder if that would help too. I don't know.

The good thing, though, is that even though I wasn't as bonded to DD when I was pregnant with her, now that she is here, I totally feel a bond. I actually bonded with her faster than DS after birth (but I think that is because of the way they were each born).

I don't really have any way to deal with it, other than to just realize that it is what it is. Sometimes at night, when I am laying in bed I try to talk to my belly baby and tell him/her how much I love him/her and how excited we are to meet him/her. I feel like being worried about it at all says something though. I mean obviously we care or we wouldn't care that we don't care "enough".

Hugs, mama. I know this mothering business is hard work!

papagena · December 2010

I totally hear you!! I was so excited about the baby the first time around. I sang in the car whenever I was driving, I patted my belly and just in general felt very focused on the little one that was coming.

At first, I was dealing with so much emotionally with the VBAC/pregnancy, not to mention already have the light of my life with DS, that the little being that was forming was really abstract still. It did bug me.

What really changed it for me was prenatal yoga. We always do breathing exercises at the beginning, and she has us envision breathing down to baby and seeing that breath as a color/ribbon/something that connects you and baby. It really helped me focus on the baby rather than the pregnancy. Yoga ends up being my time to really focus on nothing else but baby, and to kind of 'work together' with some of our breathing exercises, and focus on how baby is affected (LO always gets more active when I'm doing my deep breathing, even at night, it's fun!). After we started that, I found myself more connected in general, and soon was thinking of this pregnancy not as a thing in and of itself, but more of the little one that was growing inside me.

It's still not the same as when I had no toddler to take care of, but I do feel much more bonded than I did.

JoelsGirl07 · December 2010

I feel better that I'm not alone. I have my yoga DVD sitting right here, and it's on my to-do list, so maybe I will get to try it out! Thanks, mamas!

delsurfgrl · December 2010

This was me with #2, and i think besides being distracted by your other child all day, every day, your bond with #1 obviously has grown so much since their birth, and in a sense, your new baby is a stranger still. I think that this is totally normal regardless of your birth plans!

ShansBride · December 2010

papagena:

I totally hear you!! I was so excited about the baby the first time around. I sang in the car whenever I was driving, I patted my belly and just in general felt very focused on the little one that was coming.

At first, I was dealing with so much emotionally with the VBAC/pregnancy, not to mention already have the light of my life with DS, that the little being that was forming was really abstract still. It did bug me.

What really changed it for me was prenatal yoga. We always do breathing exercises at the beginning, and she has us envision breathing down to baby and seeing that breath as a color/ribbon/something that connects you and baby. It really helped me focus on the baby rather than the pregnancy. Yoga ends up being my time to really focus on nothing else but baby, and to kind of 'work together' with some of our breathing exercises, and focus on how baby is affected (LO always gets more active when I'm doing my deep breathing, even at night, it's fun!). After we started that, I found myself more connected in general, and soon was thinking of this pregnancy not as a thing in and of itself, but more of the little one that was growing inside me.

It's still not the same as when I had no toddler to take care of, but I do feel much more bonded than I did.

you just motivated me to start doing my prenatal yoga DVD too. I did prenatal yoga when I was pg with DD and it did help me feel more connected to her (although I forgot that until you said it). Yoga will start tomorrow in this house! Smile

nosoup4u · December 2010

I'll tell you what - I've bonded with DS2 a lot faster than with DS1, mainly bc since I'm the one who feeds him, I deal with him more often when my DH is around, since he primarily deals with DS1. And also, knowing what to expect with a newborn, work-wise, seemed to make it a lot easier in getting to know him.

I never really felt bonded with my sons when they were still in utero, I think mainly because I could never picture them as they are now (that's the thing that drives me the craziest in pg - waiting to meet them!).

Anyhoo, planning a VBAC takes a ton of mental and emotional energy - you have to work through what happened last time, how you're going to deal with the future before it happens, and deal with your day-to-day with being pg and having a kid. Like with all parenting advice - do what gets you through the day. You will love this baby, don't worry!

ShangriLaRose · December 2010

I, at first, was really excited...then my excitement waned. (A lot due to stress of possible loss again, school, and DS who is 2. Just plain busy!) But then, we got DS involved, trying to explain as best as we could, that mommy has a baby in her belly. That was what helped me to connect to this one. I realize, by seeing your tickers, that your son is younger than mine, but maybe the stuff we've been doing with our DS would still work with yours, and then help you in turn? (Or anyone and their LO's for that matter.)

A short background for part of what we're doing: My uncle and aunt have 6 boys, and all are 1.5-2 years apart. Each time they were expecting the next, they bought the youngest boy a baby doll, and told them they needed to help mommy and daddy take care of it. (and that they needed to be gentle with the baby, and with mommy, especially. No more rough play, etc.) They just had "Lucky Number 7" in September... a girl. And these kids do so well with their younger siblings. Their youngest boy about 2.5, and he's so nice with the new baby. He helps mommy get stuff for her, and is quiet when she's sleeping, etc. My aunt also said it helped her bond with each new baby, in utero, because the other kid(s) were involved.

My DS also knows many baby signs, including the signs for "baby", and "sleep". And I've gotten into a (new) habit of talking to both him and the baby, and getting HIM to talk to the baby, even though he's not too articulate yet. (Words, not sentences.) Like, when it's time for lunch, I get it ready, and I tell him it's time for him AND baby AND mommy to eat. He's started telling me now, at meal times: "Mama, baby, eat!" And pushes my food/plate/bowl closer to me, or he'll try to feed me his.

We just had an ultrasound this morning, and my DH and I agreed to take DS along for this one, so he could actually SEE the baby, and it moving around and such. Bless the doctor, who understood what we were trying to do... he talked to DS patiently and slowly through the ultrasound. "Look at the tv, see the baby? That baby is in mommy's belly! Look, it's sucking it's thumb!" Stuff like that. DS thought that was so neat!

I know it may not work.. but it may be worth a try, if you'd like. I hope, if you do try, that it helps!

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