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Stay at Home Moms
Geek_Girl
member
Do you ever get judged for being a SAHM?
Geek_Girl
member
DH and I were having this discussion last night. It seems that since we moved and had DS, "friends" and family are distancing themselves from us.
We can't figure out if its our new house which is considerably larger than the townhouse we lived in previously, or the fact that I'm able to SAH, or what.
Do you find that people are jealous of perceived success? Most people aren't aware of the sacrifices we make for me to SAH but DH and I wouldn't have it any other way. What we don't understand is the seeming jealousy that comes along with it. DH's friends' wives seem to have an issue with the fact that we're in a new home, DH's friends seem to be jealous that we got a snow-blower and tractor to maintain our property - I mean, just stupid crap like that (their wives won't let them even consider getting something that will make their lives easier).
DH and I just don't get it. We don't act like we're better than anyone else or anything like that, we're both pretty laid back. We just don't get it. Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this.
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Re: Do you ever get judged for being a SAHM?
Noel - August 2010
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Yes, I feel like I get judged from time to time, but in the opposite direction of you. I have been asked what I do all day, and why I don't feel it necessary to 'contribute' to our household.
Regardless, it's something that just happens, so I try to ignore it.
This might be more likely- that you are just in different times in your life and there is a natural distance. Reach out to them and try to set up a get-together.
I think judging in general is just a way of life.
People judge for just about everything- BF vs formula, SAH vs WM and the list goes on and on.
I just look at it as only YOU have the power to allow yourself FEEL judged.
You can either just ignore it and move on and not let it bother you--- or you can allow it to bother you. You can't change other from judging- however you do have the power to allow how it effects you. just how i see it.
Are you sure that they're distancing because you're a SAHM? It might be because you have a small child. People do tend to think that you can't GTG as much when you have a LO. It's usually a phase.
In my circles, we try not to judge outwardly. I mean, everyone judges for something or another......
No, not really. I have friends who have expressed wishful thinking about being a SAH, but they have also said that they are not willing to change their lifestyle to do it. I think they recognize that it is a choice and we just chose differently.
Perhaps your friends are pulling away because you have a young child and they are past that point in their lives. I can easily see how that would happen. That chapter of their lives is closed and they may not be interested in revisiting it. Also, do you talk about your LO a lot when you are together? I have one friend who has no other topic to discuss other than babies and her children. I can kind of tolerate it because our kids are same age, but I can see other people becoming very tired of her single-mindedness. Finally, maybe it is something you are doing, or a vibe you are putting out. Not saying this is the case, but I sometimes do some self-reflection when I don't like how others are treating me.
My guess would be it is less of an issue of judging and more of an issue of different times in your lives. We've lost almost every. single. friend since having Elliot because we are the only ones with a child. They don't judge us, they just (still) don't seem to get that we can't decide to go out on a whim at 9:30 Saturday night. We rarely see those who were our "friends" before and many of them didn't even meet Elliot until he was over a year old and at a wedding where we all just happened to be.
To answer your original question, no. I don't feel that I get judged for being a sahm. In fact, the opposite is quite true. I worked until ds was 10.5 months old and people had no qualms about stating how they felt that I had returned to work.
Thanks for all of the input. It very well may be that DS is so young. Its just weird. I never avoided my friends because they had kids. That's just so weird to me. Its a kid, not the plague, but I guess everyone sees things differently.
And to the PP that asked if all we talked about was DS the answer is a firm 'no'. While we love him with all our hearts we know other people don't want to hear us talk about him 24/7.
Everyone supports me staying home. My girlfriends from work pick on me about it, but no real animosity. We do have some friend's of Dh's and the man is awesome same guy...his wife however you can pretty much watch her turn green with envy. She seethes. But I figure most of that is she never really cared for dh and thought he was a goof off and fast forward 10 years and he's the one with good career and she's not in the position she thought she'd be in. She's always been the "better than you" type. We still talk to dh's friend but we don't do anything with them. She avoids us like the plague. I hate that too because this guy was Dh's best friend and roommate for years before they got married.
We just made new friends and everyone Dh works with have wives who sah.
only by my mother who doesn't see why i would want to stay home and not use my college degrees "you paid so much for them and you could be making this much money etc etc blah blah"
otherwise most of my friends who work are envious that i get to stay home but they don't judge. and the new friends i have made are other stay at home moms and we hang out and live in similar homes etc.
we make sacrifices to allow me to stay home and i think people recognize that and know that it is the right choice for us and we do what we can to make it work
My 3 BFFs all work. 1 absolutely has to, one needs to to have anything beyond the basics and to save, one because she wants to. I think they all recognize there is no perfect solution. We talk about their struggles and mine. I think it is hardest on the one that has to work, but she is a good sport about it. Honestly, it would be easier on her if her DH stayed home and they would probably have more money, if he could do it well.
Another friend who I am not super close to has to work, since her DH is 40 years old and has never had a real job, ask me once when I was complaining about DH not seeing the kids, why I didn't just go back to work. I told her we had discussed that. After 4 years with just DH working, we make 20% more than when we both worked, and work about 40 less hours a week together. There is a strong premium in our field for availability (we did the same thing before I stopped). It just doesn't work nearly as well for 2 people to work 40 hours a week as it does for DH to work 50-55.
DD #2 - 03.13
Sorry about that. That is definitely not how DH and I conduct ourselves. I didn't mean the post to come across that way. I really shouldn't post before I've had my morning coffee!
I'll give one example, DH's best friend's wife refused to let him get a snow blower last year. He wasn't even allowed to buy a used one that had to be fixed and their driveway is probably 3 times as long as our and is uphill and he had to do it all by hand. Based on what DH said his BF's reaction was he was p*ssed that I fully supported getting a snow blower because I didn't want DH hurting himself. (We had several feet of snow within a couple of days.) Its just dumb stuff like that.
I wouldn't say that I get judged for being a SAHM, but like you, I think others are jealous of what we have while I'm still able to stay at home. Or I'm a little more relaxed on what DH gets on things like yard equipment, video games, etc. For us it just makes more sense financially for me to stay home with the kids instead of putting them in daycare.
My sister will make comments every now and then and I know it's jealousy. I don't brag about what we have, but people come to our house for bday parties and such and see the redone floors, big tv, etc. DH busts his a** for us to live like that. He likes being his own boss and has built an excellent reputation and customer base for us.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05