s/o telling people

BabyTrippin · December 2010

I didn't want to jack the inlaws thread with this. It isn't directed at anyone specifically, that thread just made me think of it again.

Sometimes I think we create our own stumbling blocks. We hide the miscarriages and losses, yet we get hurt and angry that people aren't more sensitive to loss. We want society at large to realize how prevalent miscarriage is, yet we don't tell our stories freely in our lives.

We can't really have it both ways. People *will* be insensitive and say rude things when they don't know, and sometimes when they do. It just doesn't seem very fair to me that we bash them for simply announcing a pregnancy or the sex of the baby.

I know I was a complete AW about my pregnancy. Miscarriage never once crossed my mind as something that could happen to *me* or anyone I knew. It turns out, I was probably hurting a whole lot of people unintentionally. I had no clue that a dear friend had lost a son at 22 weeks due to IC, or that my aunt miscarried at 6 weeks, or that it took 3 miscarriages before my coworker got her take home baby.

I guess what I'm getting at is that telling our stories, in real life, helps everyone of us. I know it is hard to open yourself up to the pain. I also know how freeing it is to be open about it.

NY-allie · December 2010

. I totally agree. Everyone at work knew I was pg because I almost passed out at work. After my mc I was amazed at how many people told me they had had a mc. Prior to that I never realized I may have hurt people just by being pg. Because of that I tell anyone who asks about my mc I don't want to hide behind silence.

christyjolee · December 2010

I totally agree with what you are saying.

When people know about the loss and are jerks it really makes me mad. But, when they have no idea and say something unitentionally upsetting I try to let it slide.

I personally just can't go around living my life mad at every pg person. Hopefully that will be me someday and I will try to conduct myself with a little bit of sensitivity.

ColleenS629 · December 2010

I agree. I have been more open about it lately... my hesitation is that I don't want people constantly wondering if I'm pregnant again yet. Once we are obviously pregnant, I have no problem telling everyone about our loss.

TeamR&B · December 2010

From a logical perspective, I agree that if we want society at large to be more aware about the prevalence of miscarriage, we need to tell our stories. ITA that we can't expect those who don't know to be more sensitive.

However, to be honest, it's very difficult for me to open up about it. I'm a fairly private person. The only people I felt "good" about telling are my parents and two girlfriends who have personally experienced it. I find it very awkward to deal with the well-intentioned "it was God's plan" or "it will happen" type of comments from others. I think that as time goes on -- and hopefully if I end up with a take-home baby -- it will be easier for me to be open about this chapter in my life.

That said, I'm grateful that some celebs (especially Guiliana Rancic) are coming forward about their losses so that more people become aware of the heartache.

shanna82 · December 2010

That's what I'm saying!

CashewsMommy · December 2010

Yes ITA. Although my situation was a little different. I mean, everyone knew I was pregnant and everyone knew about my loss even before I delivered Aurora.

I do have to say, there is a FH at school who's had some issues this past weekend in her own pregnancy. Her doctor took her out of work the next few days until break, and at first she told him no. She said it's only two days! What could that really hurt? But then she said she thought of me... and decided to play it safe than sorry.

People don't like to talk about it because they don't want people to worry that it'll happen to them. I wish more people would talk about it so it can make people aware of what could happen.

That's my angle on it. Honestly, I guess it's a good thing because people don't complain around me. I think they know better.

DevonBedford · December 2010

I couldn't agree more.
When we first experienced our loss I didn't want anyone to know. But within a couple days I had let everyone know that knew of our pg, and it was a huge relief - not like I could continue to pretend I was pg! As I got over the initial overwhelming wave of emotions, I actually found it very therapeutic to talk about it, and in doing so I discovered so many people in my own life who had been through the experience of a m/c themselves. It was shocking to find out and left me wondering why I had never known. Although I don't think anything would make the situation easier, I do think it would be a little more comforting to know that m/c is a lot more common than it's let on to be. The stats are high and though I still hate the fact that it had to happen to me (and all you awesome ladies!), if I had known more about it from the start I might not have put so much blame on myself at the time.

jenniann87 · December 2010

I totally agree with you. My situation was a little different as everyone (family, friends, co-workers, etc.) knew I was pg and knew when I delivered. I have been very open about our loss and why we lost our baby (Trisomy 18). I just think that some people dont know what to say and dont realize it when they say something that can be taken hurtfully. But then at the same time there are those people who say things that are blatently hurtful and act like nothing is wrong.

Yes there are always going to be people that are insensitive and dont get it and say things that hurt but I agree that if they dont know about a loss then you cant really hold it against them. After we lost our baby I found out that two of my Aunts both had m/c's before having healthy babies. And a few other friends had had losses as well that I had never known about.

mandy6418 · December 2010

I totally agree. I'm very open about my loss. If the topic comes up, I'm not afraid or embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. The more its out there, the less uncomfortable it makes other people feel.

bsustar62 · December 2010

Well put, I totally agree.

jertie · December 2010

I agree. No ifs ands or buts about it. I think that there is always going to be the complete boobs who still say something insensitve, the well intentioned people who put their foot in it (a.k.a. "it was God's will") - but for the most part, people really will try to be understanding and not be purposely insensitive if they know the story.

It's odd though - because I am a private person and so is my husband. Because we lost the baby so far along, there was really no option to not tell people. I was pg, then suddenly I wasn't. I remember dreading going back to work - what would people think?? Then one day, someone came into my office gave me a hug and told me she was so proud of me for walking down the hall with my head held high, not ashamed of my loss. I was dumbstruck - but she was absolutely right. I was ashamed that I lost my baby. I didn't do anything, but I felt like I was less than a woman because I couldn't grow a baby. That was why I didn't want people to know about my loss, I felt like I did something wrong, I was guilty and ashamed. I still feel guilty, but I find it very empowering to tell my story (and I tell it when it's pertinent - and no longer with a hushed voice). I'm sorry it's not pretty and doesn't have a happy little ending (yet), but it is my life and I will not apologize for it.

itsmegin · December 2010

Amen sister! I agree. We have to tell people if we want to remove the stigma, and also tell them what hurts if we want them to stop saying hurtful things.

I have no regrets about talking about my pregnancy though. We told most people at about 6/7 weeks and I don't regret it. It caused a few uncomfortable "un-telling" moments, but overall it was better because everyone knew what we were going through. I continue to tell people about my loss and the few unintentionally insensitive comments are worth it because for the most part I've received sympathy, support, and stories of the same thing happening to others.

shouldbworkin · December 2010

ITA! In April we didn't tell anyone and I m/c ... friends and family went on to say things that made me unknowinglly upset. I couldn't fault them b/c they didn't know, but it was upsetting nonetheless.

In August we told people that I was PG and that I was m/c. Honestly, it wasn't as hard to tell people that I m/c as it was to not say anything when they asked when we were having another and I'd just finished m/c'ing. I think it made them more uncomfortable than it made me. It was really nice to have the support of my friends and family that time around too.

Izabella22 · December 2010

I'm on the fence about telling people, while I'm getting more comfortable and have told more people lately, I still am not ready for the "natures/gods way - for the best" comments. In some ways its easier to brush it off if they don't know, with the exception of todays stupidity but I would have been irritated by that anyways. I think my fertility (or lack thereof) is no ones business but mine and MH, and unfortunately where DH and I work together in a small company its hard to avoid the dumb comments, they make them anyways... I've been questioned regularly since DH adn I got married about when we'd have kids and people were actually putting bets on that we'd have one w/in a year. Guess I should have bet against them. :P

I do agree we should be more open about it, and in time I hope to feel more comfortable talking about it. I'm only 2 months from my most recent loss so I figure I'm still dealing with that without adding to my stress right now.

mystikaljess · December 2010

I agree. I am very open about my loss because I want others to know they aren't alone. I can't blame people for hurting me when they don't know. I'm not angry when someone announces a pregnancy or the sex of their baby. I don't know the struggles they had to get there or how it worked out. For me, being happy for others shouldn't dismiss my own personal feelings. The year anniversary of my loss is Friday (yes, Christmas Eve), yet a friend of mine is in labor right now and I couldn't be happier for her. Just because I lost my child, doesn't mean I need to hate every pregnant woman or mother out there. They deserve their happiness just like I do.

BabyTrippin · December 2010

I'm so glad the responses have been so positive! I worried for a minute after posting that I'd get smacked with trout Wink

I just hate thinking people feel ashamed of their losses. Unless you threw yourself down the stairs 20 times, drank gallons of vodka and shot up heroin that is...then you should be ashamed Surprise

allybaby85 · December 2010

I totally agree. I talk about my loss to anyone that will listen. I thought by the 3rd trimester that if anything happened they would be able to save her...I was so nieve and had no idea. I am proud I delivered a beautiful baby girl, and she is still my daughter even though she is not here.

Runnergirl2242 · December 2010

I so agree. I have been telling everyone. I think that it is a personal choice for sure but I have chosen to be really open so that others know that they can share too. I have found that people actually get mad when I bring it up sometimes. Like I should just be quiet about it but I think that its important for us to realize that it is not our fault and that it happens to so many, so I am loud and proud.

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