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TTC After a Loss
TeamR&B
member
BFP #1: 5-20-10, m/c 5-29-10 @ 5w6d
BFP #2: 8-04-10, missed m/c discovered 8-31-10, d&c 9-02-10
BFP #3: 4-08-11 ~ EDD: 12-16-11
Praying that the third time's a charm... Please get comfy & stick around LO!
Do your ILs know? (partial vent)
TeamR&B
member
Mine don't. As background, I should disclose that I'm not close with my ILs (MH's parents + 2 SILs). There isn't ill-will or drama, but all live out of town and we never really got close.
So we're heading home to visit the ILs later this week for a short holiday visit and I'm slightly dreading it because my ILs don't know about our losses and 1 SIL is very pregnant with her first and due in February. (My 1st EDD would have been in January.) The other SIL has two under 3. Of course, ILs are over the moon about their grandkids and the baby-to-be and I suspect there will be plenty of baby talk. Fortunately, ILs never ask us when we're going to have kids, but as you ladies know, just being around pregnant women and babies can be tough. I can't expect them to be sensitive to my situation when they don't even know, but I'm wondering if I should say something if it gets to be too much. MH didn't want to tell his parents in the past because he didn't think there was a need to. FWIW, he doesn't really talk to them often or share a lot of details about what we're going through in general, even though he considers himself close to his family. (Perhaps this is a guy thing???)
I guess this is more of a vent than a question, but I wonder what does TTCAL think? Is it odd that my ILs don't know?
BFP #1: 5-20-10, m/c 5-29-10 @ 5w6d
BFP #2: 8-04-10, missed m/c discovered 8-31-10, d&c 9-02-10
BFP #3: 4-08-11 ~ EDD: 12-16-11
Praying that the third time's a charm... Please get comfy & stick around LO!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Do your ILs know? (partial vent)
My parents, brother & SIL all know. My ILs do not know. We chose not to even tell DH's family that we're TTC. They will not know anything until we atleast make it past 1st tri. My MIL is VERY clingy & already calls us ATLEAST once a week. I do not need the added stress of talking to her every day (which is really not an exageration, I wish it was) or of her being mad that we're not answering her calls. They live on the other side of the country (we're in CO, they're in FL) and we don't go home for the holidays so that's not an issue.
I don't find it weird that your ILs don't know, especially since you said YH doesn't really talk to them about these things. I do understand you're wanting to tell them so it might be a little easier for you, but if YH doesn't want them to know I would respect his wishes.
Married 1/2/99.
TTC since 4/09.
Diagnosed PCOS. Diagnosed Hypothryoid 11/09.
SHG & SA normal. PCOS Research study started 5/10.
Clomid/Femara cycle #1 - 6/10 = BFN
Clomid/Femara cycle #2 - 7/10 = BFP #1 - Missed miscarriage 9/2/10
11/12 - BFP #2 - 11/22 - m/c
5/1/11 - BFP #3 - Pre-eclampsia, IUGR & bed rest from 32w. DD born via induction 1/4/12.
My inlaws know. I'm close with some of them and Bill is very close with his brothers so it was natural that they all knew. I needed, and still need, their support in this crazy mess.
I would probably pull the most sensitive of the bunch aside and let them know about the loss. It will spread through the group and hopefully they will treat you with a little more sensitivity.
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My ILs know, and they live in NE and we are in OR. But my DH calls them weekly.
I think if they do bring up babies with you and your DH, you should say you have been trying and have had a loss....but that's just me. If people ask and I know them personally, I will tell them.
It really depends on if you think telling them will honestly make a difference. I find that sometimes you open up to people expecting support only to be let down when it's not there.
When things happened DH was adamant about telling his parents. His dad and wife were very supportive. They sent a card and his wife will always give me an extra hug or squeeze to let me know she's thinking about me.
MIL hasn't said a damn word. DH claims it's because he told her I didn't want to talk about it, but who knows. She still makes all kinds of comments about when we'll have kids which, to me, is really insensitive. She experienced a loss many years ago as did her daughter (my SIL) so while I didn't expect her to really do much, I did want her to be more sensitive about her comments. SIL doesn't know. I told DH it was up to him if he wanted to tell her and he hasn't yet.
Dx: MFI- 3% morph
IUIs: Gonal-F + Ovidrel + b2b IUI= BFNs
IVF with ICSI= BFP! EDD 11/25/11
3/18- Beta #1 452! 3/20- Beta #2 1,026!! 3/27- First u/s- TWINS!
Our twin boys arrived at 36w5d due to IUGR and a growth discordance
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
My ILs don't know. I certainly wouldn't mind if they knew, in fact it would be nice to be able to talk to my SILs on that side as I know some of them have had losses. Its more DHs preference that we didn't tell them, and I respect that. There's a decent chance it will come up in passing down the road as my SILs on that side have had numerous m/c and one had an infant loss.
My parents know though, and apparently they've told my brothers and SILs on that side. When it first happened I really wanted to talk to my mom, and it kind of spread from there.
I really don't mind either way, kind of walk a line between not wanting the sympathy comments and wanting people to be informed that its so common.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
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I had a late loss, so my Inlaws were there when I was in Labor.
((HUGS)) I hope you can get thru the day!
This is a great point! I know I'd be disappointed if telling them didn't seem to make a difference.
This.
Everyone knew even before I delivered Aurora.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
Like Autumn, I also suffered a late loss, so pretty much everyone knew when I lost the baby. However, it sounds like your husband might be a very private person and doesn't feel comfortable sharing this information with his family. I would discuss it with him before you see his family and explain that this could be a difficult visit and explain that for your ouwn mental health you may need to tell someone in the family to keep the baby talk to a minimum. You're not doing it to cause drama or have people fawn over you, you simply need to let them know that you suffered a loss (as pp said, pull someone aside and explain the situation - not a big announcement at the dinner table). Best of luck!
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My ILs know because my DH is close with his parents and he was bursting to tell them for both pregnancies. We told everyone right after the first + test and then the second time waited until after the ultrasound so we had to tell them that we lost the baby.
I sorta wish they didn't know... My MIL wanted to talk to me about it when we were there for Thanksgiving - I didn't want to - so my DH told her that I didn't want to discuss it and she let it be. But she will try again, I know.... and she probably will ask him about TTC when she talks to him every now and again. It's more because she cares and she doesn't want us to think she's not thinking about us (which is exactly what she told DH when they had a chat) and that's all well and good, but I don't need to talk to her about it...
GL!