i need some black market drugs, stat.
Roxpup
member
i can't go to the doctor. i can't even call them, i'm too anxious. i stopped taking my meds (celexa, 60mgs) as i said in my previous post cause i was convinced they weren't helping. maybe they were helping a little and i just didn't realize it, because i'm going crazier by the day. every night, i say to ds, "night buddy, love you, sorry i'm a piece of shiit." - and i mean every night. and it's not even over exaggerating about the piece of shiit part, i really *AM* a POS. i'm not cut out for any of this. i'm begining to think that his life would be better without me in it (and dh's too), and i really believe that it may be true. they can be their own little family of two and i should just go. i told DS to STFU today because i was mad/frustrated because my car wouldn't start because it's so cold here. obviously he was still making noise and i yelled "i f-ing get it, OKAY?!" dh was there and said that it's not the baby's fault. that kind of gave me a sort of reality check and i stopped yelling all together. i'm really not sure what to do, the last two days i decided i was definately going to call the doctor and see if they could at least phone something in for me if i make an appointment for after the holidays, partly because i dont really have time til after the holidays and partly because i feel like i wont go to the appointment at all unless i have something running through my veins to actually get my sorry fat as$ to the doctor's office parking lot and into the building.. both days i chickened out on calling them and nearly had panic attacks both days just thinking about calling. i tried explaining a little of this to my sister and she just keeps telling me that i need to call them (i know. I FCKING KNOW.) and that i didn't really mean to tell clicker (her knick name for the baby) to STFU, that i really meant 'now's not a good time' type of thing cause i was so frustrated. i don't know anyone who has ever been like this, and no one i know understands. i wish SSRIs were OTC. i'm to the point where i'm considering buying benadryl to have it so that i can take a couple every now and then just to calm down and relax for a few hours. i had a muscle relaxer a while back and took all of those because i just needed something to calm me the f down for a while.
i feel like no one understands and that this shiit is only getting worse. i really don't know what to do or where to turn. i read a lot of your posts but rarely respond because i feel like i have nothing to offer. i'm sorry for that. i need to change my name to mother of the friggen year and have my tubes tied so i never breed again and subject another child to this.
Re: i need some black market drugs, stat.
I'm sorry you feel like crap
It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when dealing with all of this. And man, no one friggen understands it, "Ohh congratulations, you are blessed, is it a boy or a girl, are you going to find out, when are you due, do you feel kicks yet?" - all the questions and comments made me want to vom on people's shoes, and I felt so guilty about not feeling blessed, there was a time during my pregnancy that I questioned the whole thing, looked up adoption places, not that I would have ever given him up, but I was convinced I should. I was almost embarassed to be pregnant in a way cause my anxiety was so horrible at times.
I hope that your doctor can offer you something that can help. My advice is this: if you feel like crap while pregnant, consider having some sort of PPD support system in place for after birth - I should have asked my doctor for medication IMMEDIATELY after delivering, I was thinking about it then, but never did. And try to find someone in your personal life who knows and understands what you're going through, I'm the first of my family to have a baby and none of my close friends have children so I felt very alone and that I had no one in real life to speak to about any of this. It wasn't until my sister's friend's mom said that she was the same way after delivering her first baby that I made the connection that I might have PPD, before that I just thought that I was going through normal hormonal changes. Even after that, I'm still obviously not doing well, but you have time
Try to work on you and keep your head up before the baby gets here... the healthier attitude and stronger routine you have for yourself before LO gets here, hopefully the easier the transition.
Right now we are working to deal with the emotions I have now, but as soon as we get that half way stabilized, I am going to work on the PPD thing, before my son gets here.
I did get the courage to call the Dr and they were a huge help! I highly recommend for you to do the same. I was crying on the phone, but everyone in the office talked to me and gave me a combination of personal/professional advice. It was amazing, such genuinely nice people.
What they recommended for me --
1. Changing my prescription -- already called it into the pharmacy
2. Joining a local church (I recently moved to this area, so they even suggested one)
3. They recommended a private counselor, from what I hear she is retired, no longer medically licensed, but still sees people on the side. One of the girls in the office (receptionist, I think) sees her regularly and says she was wonderful at helping her process her emotions. I am really excited about this one, because I feel like I will be even more comfortable since she?s not a dr (kinda strange, I know).
At least now I feel like I have options, even if they don?t work out I can make myself feel better knowing that I am trying.
Pls call your dr! I see that you are formula feeding not nursing, so they should be able to give you something that will help you get past the initial hurdle. (I am planning on nursing so I will be sitting over here jealous of the meds you can take. lol). Then, when you are ready you can look for the personal support system that can help you the rest of the way through this. Just pls don?t try to do it alone. Your a mother, not superwoman!
I'm so sorry you feel this way. It sounds a lot like what I felt before I got help. I wasn't able to make the call myself. DH finally did it when he came home and found me crying on the floor. It was all I could do to get out "I need help" to him.
ETA: I wanted to add that I'm doing soooo much better now, but I really wish I'd been strong enough to ask for help sooner. DH did the best he could, but he's not a mind reader and didn't realize how bad it was. I'm not willing to post the whole story on the board, but I'd be willing to share details through PM if you're interested.
Have you considered going to a psychiatrist instead of a general practice/ob?
My co-worker has OCD and he had tons of trouble with meds when going to a regular family practice doc. Then he went to a psychiatrist - they are specially trained to select medicines and dosages to help you and you'll also get therapy during your visits. CW can't say enough good things about the difference between a psychiatrist and a family doc when prescribing anti-depressants, etc. I adore our family doctor and am just filling my Rx today but I'm considering calling a psychiatrist through our EAP anyway just based on his recommendation.
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15
MC: 7/2011, 12/2011