Advice Needed

blondie_2784 · December 2010

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping for some advice, because I'm starting to get really concerned. My husband is a fantastic husband and is so excited to be a father. As we are approaching that milestone of finding out the gender, he is wanting a boy more and more. When he was in middle school, his father died of cancer, so he didn't have a father to teach him a lot of the common sense things that a guy typically learns from his father. He thinks that having a boy might help him deal with the loss of his father because he can sort of do the things his father was never able to do with him. That is his main reason for wanting a boy. I was okay with his wanting a boy until the other day when he made the comment about how disappointed he would be if it wasn't a boy. I told him that I thought it would be better if we didn't find out if it was a boy or a girl so that way we would feel the overwhelming love no matter what, but he is determined to find out. I'm so scared that if we do end up having a girl he is going to be devastated and instead of this being a joyful experience it will be depressing

Help please! I don't know what to do!

Amber68W · December 2010

When we found out we were having a girl, DH was less than thrilled. But honestly, that took 2 weeks and now he's over it. I would remind your husband that you two are very lucky to have a healthy baby regardless of sex. And if it is a girl, he'll be wrapped around her finger from the second he meets her. I wouldn't worry too much.

staycee · December 2010

your DH really needs to realize that there is a 50/50 chance of either.

he also really needs to realize that it doesn't just have to be a boy that he teaches "dad" stuff too. He can teach a daughter how to throw a ball or whatever.

My DH would have liked #2 to be boy, but he is just as happy having 2 girls. He plans to take them both racing and teach them how to drive (he races real race cars for a hobby)

vespa42 · December 2010

Men want boys, but as soon as they see their little girl they fall in love. I don't think you need to worry at all. Good luck though!

MrsD1 · December 2010

I think this is a common feeling for many men. My DH wanted a boy so badly, he already planned out lots of things in his head. His father and his father's father all had two boys and no girls. He was certain we were going to have a boy and was definitely disappointed when we found out we were having a girl. He tried not to show it, but it was obvious to me. However, it didn't take long for him to get over it and start getting excited for our little girl. He was the one who was persistent that we get a video camera right away so we could practice and have one when our little girl performs in her first ballet and tap recital. He was the one who cleaned out the nursery room a couple of weeks ago so we could start getting the room ready for our little girl.

If it's not a boy, your DH might be momentarily disappointed. Just know that it's a common feeling, for anyone who is hoping for a certain sex. However, I'm sure he will get over it and love your daughter (or son) the same.

akating · December 2010

I think waiting to find out until the baby is born would do the opposite of what you want to accomplish. Keep in mind if it is a girl and he gets dissapointed it won't last more than a week or two. Which means he has 20 weeks to be dissapointed and then excited and plan for his daughter. Whereas if you wait until the baby is born he will have to look at her with disapointment and that two weeks will be while he is here and he is holding her and looking at her. I personally would prefer someone be disapointed while the baby is still growing than to have them look at my child with disapointment.

Basically by waiting you are putting off the inevidable. Eventually you will find out. You need to decide if doing it now is better than doing it later.

As for your DH, you need to remind him this is his baby. An innocent baby and wether it has a penis or not shouldn't make him disapointed. Showing disapointment only shows selfishness. You need to make sure you express how his reaction makes you feel and try to remind him there is a 50/50 chance it will be a girl OR a boy and he needs to be happy with either one.

erbear · December 2010

I'd find out then. Better to have him be disappointed and detached before the baby's here than for the first 3 weeks of the baby's life.

tiffanycarapinha · December 2010

My dad didnt have his dad around growing up either. Although I am not sure how we felt when he found out I was a girl I do know that he wouldnt change me for the world. I was raised doing everything a little boy could do. I played and watched sports, helped him work on cars and loved getting "boy" toys for gifts. I have an amazing relationship with my dad! Im having a girl and I know its scary for my DH but he sees how my relationship is and its helped him get excited.

Your DH will be happy either way. If he has a daughter he can do anything he could have done with a son.. I'm positive he'll be in love no matter what.

staycee · December 2010

akating:

Keep in mind if it is a girl and he gets dissapointed it won't last more than a week or two. Which means he has 20 weeks to be dissapointed and then excited and plan for his daughter. Whereas if you wait until the baby is born he will have to look at her with disapointment and that two weeks will be while he is here and he is holding her and looking at her.

not to mention if you wait, he'll have 20 extra weeks to build up anticipation of having a boy.

CakerQueen · December 2010

I think it's pretty common for most expecting fathers to want a boy.. but that doesn't mean he won't love a little girl just as much.

Maybe you should tell your DH that you're worried that he'll be devasated if you are having a girl. I'm sure he will will assure you not to be worried and that he'll love a little girl too.

kg_08 · December 2010

Shoot! I typed out this really nice response and the stupid bump errors got rid of it before it could post. Let's try again....

DH really wanted a boy for some of the same reasons. He has his dad around, but he was abusive and not the "fatherly" type. DH was also never allowed to play sports and has always been a little bitter about that. He wanted a boy so he could do all those guy things.

We found out that we were having a girl, and he was a little disappointed, but got over it within a week or two. I think it helped that we named her so we could start "getting to know her" and calling her by name. He got more and more attatched, and when she was finally born he was absolutely thrilled! He's now a great dad and has told me more than once that he's really glad we have a girl, and wouldn't trade her for anything.

Also going with what other PP said, find out now. You'd rather him be a little disappointed now and get over it, than to have him disappointed at the birth.

Manateearmz · December 2010

First of all, talk about your worries with your husband. Maybe if he hears how upset you are over his potential dissapointment he will get over his fear of having a girl. Not to sound like a broken record, but a healthy baby is a blessing no matter what the sex is. I was afraid that my DH would be upset about a girl (most men want boys) he was thrilled when we found out we'll be having a daughter and he wasn't upset for even a split second.

Not to shoot flames your direction, but if he still has unresolved issues with his fathers death, he should deal with these in therapy. Having a child does NOT replace relationships that we had with our parents. Do not put that burden on your child.

blondie_2784 · December 2010

mandaree:

First of all, talk about your worries with your husband. Maybe if he hears how upset you are over his potential dissapointment he will get over his fear of having a girl. Not to sound like a broken record, but a healthy baby is a blessing no matter what the sex is. I was afraid that my DH would be upset about a girl (most men want boys) he was thrilled when we found out we'll be having a daughter and he wasn't upset for even a split second.

Not to shoot flames your direction, but if he still has unresolved issues with his fathers death, he should deal with these in therapy. Having a child does NOT replace relationships that we had with our parents. Do not put that burden on your child.

Thanks for the advice. He isn't trying to replace a relationship...he's just wanting to have the relationship that he and his father couldn't.

blondie_2784 · December 2010

Thanks everyone! You've all made me feel much better

inthewater · December 2010

mandaree:
First of all, talk about your worries with your husband. Maybe if he hears how upset you are over his potential dissapointment he will get over his fear of having a girl. Not to sound like a broken record, but a healthy baby is a blessing no matter what the sex is. I was afraid that my DH would be upset about a girl (most men want boys) he was thrilled when we found out we'll be having a daughter and he wasn't upset for even a split second.
Not to shoot flames your direction, but if he still has unresolved issues with his fathers death, he should deal with these in therapy. Having a child does NOT replace relationships that we had with our parents. Do not put that burden on your child.

I second, third, fourth, etc all the ladies saying that a healthy baby is the blessing and having the sex you want is a far second. However, I do agree with the second part of this posting. I am sorry for your husband that he lost his father at such a young age, but that is a lot of pressure that your husband is putting on your child. The baby - be it boy or girl - is not there to be a fill in for issues that your husband has with loosing his father. I personally think those thoughts are a little dangerous as it could cause either your husband's expectations not being met or a lowered self esteem (be it child or parent). You may need to talk to him more about his emotional issues and getting those resolved so that your baby can be recognized for being its own individual and not a person that will "magically" resolve his issues with his loss.

spokenfor1583 · December 2010

When my DH and I went to find out what we were having my DH wanted to have a girl really badly. Not what most men are thinking but he wanted his little princess and things like that. When we found out we were having a boy he was just as thrilled. I myself was wanting a girl but in the end all that matters at the baby is healthy and that you are going to love him/her regardless. I think your DH would come around to after maybe the initial shock it he is upset or disappointed at all.

But talking to him about you are feeling may not be a bad idea.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · December 2010

Ummmm....your husband should not be using your child's gender as a way to form bonds with the loss of his father, that's way too much weight to put on a son/daughter's shoulders and he's setting himself up for disappointment.

I think your husband needs to see a therapist rather than thinking his child will solve his emotional issues.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · December 2010

blondie_2784:
mandaree:
Thanks for the advice. He isn't trying to replace a relationship...he's just wanting to have the relationship that he and his father couldn't.

He can still have that with a daughter.

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