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Sticky Situation...

Pats&AdriPats&Adri
in 2nd Trimester

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of September, and my sister found out she was pregnant about 6 weeks after. We were super excited to be pregnant at the same time. It is a first pregnancy for both of us and we were looking forward to having babies around the same time.

About 7 weeks into her pregnancy, she had a miscarriage. We were all very sad about everything. She seems to be doing ok (I guess the best you can do in the situation). But, when we are around family and friends and they are all talking to be about the baby, I always feel guilty to see her kind of standing to the side, trying to smile and be supportive. I know she is happy for me, but I also know it's completely natural to feel sad.

My question is.... my mom told me this weekend that her and my sister were discussing a baby shower for March. How do I act with this whole sitatuation? Is there anyone who has possibly been through a miscarriage that can give me advice as to what to do. On the other hand, this is our first baby and I can't help the happiness and excitement I have!

(Sorry for the novel....!!)

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Re: Sticky Situation...

  • growingmybungrowingmybun member
    You are a very sweet sister.  This is going to be hard for your sister and it sounds like she is being pretty amazing by keeping it together around you.  If it were me, I'd give her an out on the baby shower.  She may be fine with it, but just in case she's not, it would be very kind of you to give her a graceful way out of a potentially very hard situation.  And, then of course, explain to your Mom.
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  • growingmybungrowingmybun member
    P.S.  I'm over here in 2nd tri a little early, hope no one minds. :)
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  • bkleiterbkleiter

    I have never been in this situation and know everyone is different however I would suggust asking her how she is doing and let her know that you are thinking of her and are sorry for her loss.

    I think people feel that when someone has a misscarriage life goes on as normal- but for many it doesn't and sometimes people feel guilty for it that way.

    I know for me, my mom had twins die at birth (32 years ago this spring)... they were actually due a few days after my baby is due- she is scared for me just because of the timing. She still thinks of them, and I know every spring is hard for my parents (they are now divorced however I still see how it hurts them). The day they died, I still let my mom know they matter and I do visit their grave. I know it helps her a little.

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  • luvdv8luvdv8 member

    What a tough situation- my sister and I are currently pregnant at the same time and I know that the fear that something would go wrong for one of us was always there.

    Having suffered through the loss of a pregnancy, I can say (personally) that there's a lot of emotions there. Your sister seems to be doing her best with a really rough situation. I would have a heart to heart with her and let her know that you completely understand if she needs space from your pregnancy- you can't control how everyone behaves around you or her, but you can control how you interact with her. Ask her, honestly, how she's doing and if it's too much for her. Let her know you'd understand if it's too difficult for her and let her make that call.

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  • smiling76smiling76 member

    I kind of know how you feel----when I was pregnant the first time I lost the baby also around 8 wks while my close co-worker was also pregnant (due around the same time) and actually wasn't even happy for hers.  It was a little tough to be around her, but I was also happy for her once she realized what a blessing this was.

    ANOTHER SITUATION:

    One of my BFFs was pregnant the same time I was pregnant with DS---she was about 2 mos behind me---we were so excited!  BUT when she was around 20 wks her water broke and she lost the baby---it was a horrible thing.  She's planning a funeral while peope are planning my baby shower.  Basically what I did was met up with her and another of our BFFs and just "talked" it out---I told her how sad I was for her and of course was there for her--but that I felt awkward especially with the shower coming up and even told her she didn't have to go if she--but she wanted to be there.  She had her moments, but overall was very excited for me. 

    One thing I did for her was bought her a very inexpensive necklace from Kohls that had a message on it --she LOVED it and I had bought one for myself when I lost my first---so it kind of shows you care a bit

     


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  • LynsiBHMLynsiBHM
    I agree with pp.  Talk to her about it and let her know how you feel... that you haven't forgotten her loss and understand if she'd like to back off a bit from your celebrations.  At the same time, she may be ok with it and really want to help out.  Either way, good luck to you both.
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  • Scout05Scout05 member

    I'm so sorry for her loss.

    It's hard - she obviously loves you very much to be willing and able to help with the shower. I wouldn't be able to, to be honest. I went to my first baby shower in almost two years a couple months ago and cried the entire way home.

    Just be sensitive to her moods - if she needs to sneak away to have some time to herself, everyone needs to let her. And if she decides she can't come, everyone should just let her be.

    You should enjoy your shower and celebrate the joy coming into your life. No question about that. It sounds like you already understand how difficult this all is on her, so just keep reminding yourself that any lack of enthusiasm or seeming sadness on her part is so not personal against you. It's just such a sucky thing to go through.

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