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Baby Showers
VanessaJoy
member
MIL taking over, apparently
VanessaJoy
member
in Baby Showers
**Let me preface this by saying that everyone in this scenario knows each other, live close to one another, and go to church together**
My best friend has been talking about throwing me a shower since very early on in my pregnancy. She is so awesome and even though she is a 3rd year law student, she was constantly meeting with me about it and going over details of what I wanted or would like. Above & beyond.
She reached out to my mom & MIL to let them know about it and to talk details. She got in touch with my mom, but I just found out that she has been trying to get ahold of MIL for TWO MONTHS and has never been acknowledged. We had to have DH bring it up with her. She still hasn't responded.
And today I find out that MIL called my mom and had her own shower planning meeting yesterday with just her & my mom - didn't invite my best friend, who has been on hold with everything, respectfully waiting to hear back from MIL, not wanting to step on her toes (the woman is incredibly sensitive).
I feel like MIL is being very manipulative and wanting to do things her way so she never even acknowledged my friend, or the shower that she was planning. I mean, I'm 33 weeks pregnant, why the heck is she playing these games?! We are going over there for DH's birthday dinner tonight and I just have a feeling that I am going to make trouble. I am extremely frustrated with her and when my friend was telling me what has been going on, I feel like I don't even want to go to her house! I think I need to be talked down before I say something to her that I'll regret...
Feel free to put me in my place if needed... I admit I am heated in the moment so I might be overreacting.
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Re: MIL taking over, apparently
I don't know what more you can do except refuse a shower from her(MIL) and only you would know how that would effect your relationship with her. I would imagine if it comes down to the dirty wire then you might have to bite the bullet and go with MIL. I guess your BFF would understand whereas your MIL would not. It sucks but to keep peace in the family, it might be worth it. I'm sorry and good luck!!
It sounds like your MIL intends to have a second shower for you, totally separate from the one your friend is throwing. (Yes, she's also being totally rude and unreasonable about the whole process.) It's not uncommon for women to have more than one shower, although it's much stranger in a case like this where they all know each other. What are the odds your MIL will invite the same people?
Your friend has been putting in all kinds of effort and gave your MIL plenty of advance notice that wasn't even necessary. She definitely gets priority here. Getting steamrolled is never the right kind of peace. Especially when it's so deliberate. If you don't stand up for yourself (and basic manners) now, what kind of crap will she pull when the baby is here and you're even less able to cope?
Just reading this irks me. First, your best friend has given her plenty of notice and your MIL is obviously aware that she is planning your shower. Second, if your BFF wasn't planning it, the shower responsibilities would then go to your mother NOT her... So regardless she is over stepping.
I would casually mention how excited you are about the shower your best friend is throwing you. Maybe even go so far as to say she's been planning it for a few months and you can't wait to see how it turns out... Maybe she will get the clue?
Thanks for the feedback - I'm glad I'm not way off base here. She initiated talk about the shower last night when we were over for dinner. She brought up that she keeps forgetting to call back my friend and gave me several instances (excuses) of why she hasn't called her or answered the phone (because she was busy doing xyz)... I would buy it if it hasn't been 2 months already. Plus, she didn't forget to call my mom.
Family can be so frustrating sometimes! I just know MIL is going to win this one... I need to get over it and just be gracious instead of acting out passive aggressively - not that I have or anything... but I feel like I might sabotage myself and refuse to enjoy the shower out of principle, but that doesn't serve any purpose. At least DH is entirely supportive of me and is completely against what his mother is doing. Thank God for small favors
And thanks to all of you for listening to my vent!
What if you planned a lunch date with you, your MIL and your BFF? You could casually forget to mention to your MIL that your friend was planning to come and when your MIL arrives just say, "I know you were having so much trouble getting yourselves together, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for you to meet each other. That way it will be easier for the two of you to work together on the babyshower." If your mom is also helping along with the planning, invite her too. That way, she can help to buffer your MIL's bad behavior and and bring out more of a "team spirit" in the women.
If your MIL suggests that the planning should take part without you present because it should be a surprise (like mine does-grrr!) take that group moment to say, "I can respect that. However, I do want to share a few things that are really important to me that I REALLY hope you can also respect...."
That way you can take the time to suggest you prefer to have ONE not TWO showers and other things that you and your BFF have already discussed and she may already have the ball rolling on so that you can help to ensure that she isn't steamrolled by your MIL. Your friends has already done a lot of work and planning, it's not fair for her to be hustled by your MIL. Also, take some time to talk to your mom and request that anytime she get contacted by your MIL regarding the shower that she ask, "Does BFF know about this meeting or do I need to call her to make sure she can come?"