How do you handle IL situations?

Dobie_Mama · December 2010

The girls stayed with my IL's today because pre-school was cancelled for snow/ice & B had some work to follow up on. I don't really want to get into the details but I'll just say that my MIL did something that completely went against our parenting wishes (that we've discussed before) and violated my trust. S ratted her out, and I know that S wouldn't make this up. It's a big deal (to me) and I'm a little undone.

I want to trust them fully. But I want them to respect our parenting decisions, too. Do I try to express that? Or do I just let B handle it? Part of me wants to talk to MIL because, even more than this being an "I don't want you to do X to/with my kid" issue, I'm hurt. But part of me also feels like these are B's 'rents and, if the situation were reversed, I'd want to deal with my mom myself.

danaann78 · December 2010

If you think that your husband can handle it effectively, than I would let him handle it. But make sure he actually does. I love my DH dearly, but he is terrible about talking to his parents. If I ever have a situation like yours I'll be forced to deal with it myself.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all. But cheers to S for telling you!

luvlieK · December 2010

I leave it to dh to handle. I make sure he brings it up though.

Now I am really curious!

OctoberBabyH · December 2010

In my (short) experience so far, I personally find that talking with MIL directly is more effective. She does not listen to my husband, bc she somehow feels she is always right and is the ruler of his world, since she is his mother.

At their house, I stepped out of the room and when I came back not even five minutes later, she had V on her stomach asleep and told me not to worry bc she did it with her kids. She also says that she feels herself let down when she holds her. I find this disturbing. She tells me to remember to wipe from front to back. (Really?) She wishes she was lactating still so that she doesn't have to feed her BM from a bottle. (Her boys never took a bottle, only the breast and went right to the cup at 8 months.)

Don't mean to hijack your post, but you get the idea!

Perhaps speaking with her, politely but in a firm tone, would help? It stinks bc you were obviously in a bind and you should be able to trust her with your children. Now I want to know what she did. I am nosy. :P

Dobie_Mama · December 2010

lol - Nosies.

I think B would handle it effectively. He's a good advocate and pretty level headed. His 'rents would probably be more receptive to what he said anyway. I just suck at the whole "biting my tongue" thing. lol But, thinking about it a bit, it's probably best that he handles it.

triumphantreturnofplanningbug · December 2010

OctoberBabyH:
In my (short) experience so far, I personally find that talking with MIL directly is more effective. She does not listen to my husband, bc she somehow feels she is always right and is the ruler of his world, since she is his mother.

This exactly.

That said, after what's happened since M was born, I do not trust them and don't think I ever will. We're totally getting a nannycam bear a la Weeds before they babysit, and then it will only be at our place for short periods of time until M can talk so that we can know what's happening. As much as it sucks, someone gets to break my trust a limited number of times before they just don't get trusted with anything for any period of time.

Dobie_Mama · December 2010

triumphantreturnofplanningbug:
As much as it sucks, someone gets to break my trust a limited number of times before they just don't get trusted with anything for any period of time.

This is me, exactly. And, until today, I had absolutely no reason NOT to trust them. Even when we've differed on opinions, they've always respected our wishes as parents. Or so we think. They have never given me any indication that they were doing otherwise but the thought that maybe they've just been giving lip service and doing as they please makes me a little ill.

And here's where I start to "what if" and overreact, so I'll shut up. lol

lytedark · December 2010

*hugs*

if you think your dh can be effective and cool-headed i'd go that route. i am way too emotional and hot-headed to be effective, but sadly my dh is a big baby when it comes to having difficult conversations with his parents (as in they don't have them and until he met me, he just did whatever they wanted because it was 'easier' than arguing otherwise).

i have said (to myself and my mother) that his parents will not be babysitting any time soon and there will absolutely be no overnights or long periods of time until she can talk for exactly this reason. i'm so sorry that they did whatever they did that violated your trust when you did not feel that was in jeopardy to begin with. i'm sure i would be questioning everything they did and said before now too. :-(

i hope you guys figure things out and it doesn't blow up into a big messy family affair over the holidays.

mrsjjd · December 2010

I've always found it better to have DH deal with his mother. Unless, I have the opportunity to stop her as something is going on, then I deal with it directly.

kdello · December 2010

OctoberBabyH:
I She also says that she feels herself let down when she holds her. I find this disturbing. She tells me to remember to wipe from front to back. (Really?) She wishes she was lactating still so that she doesn't have to feed her BM from a bottle. (Her boys never took a bottle, only the breast and went right to the cup at 8 months.)
Don't mean to hijack your post, but you get the idea!

Can I just say that I think your MIL gives me the willies, haha. (Normally I see MIL posts and feel like people are just oversensitive to their in-laws, but MAN your MIL sounds for-real-creepy!)

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