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January 2011 Moms
midnight*sun
member
FIL rant, long
midnight*sun
member
A list of things I can no longer take
- He refuses to eat anywere except fast food and throws a fit if we don't all go with him.
- He interrupts everyone regardless of how important the conversation is and even after confronting him by saying "I was talking." he continues on as if you don't exist.
- He is a total perv. He "jokes" that LO is his baby and says things like "I'm taking a shower, don't you want to join me?"
- He is completely obsessive. Example: Last time they were up he made us set 4 alarm clocks for 4 hours before they had to be at the airport. He also got up atleast 6 times to start my car to make sure it would run the next morning.
- He constantly complains about how bored he is, but when you take him somewhere to do something he is constantly rushing eveyone and asking if we're going home yet.
- At a really close family friend's wedding, sitting in the second row, during prayer he loudly pronounces "This is boring!"
- He calls me daily to tell me what OUR weather is at that moment and demands that I take my car into a mechanic to make sure it's doing ok (we have a new VW SUV).
- He prints off expired coupons to fast food restaurants in Oregon and insists that we use them up here. In his daily calls he asks if we've used them or not and even went as far as to call the restaurant to see if they "remember" DH and I.
Seriously, I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. WTF am I going to do when LO comes? I really don't want him teaching her all his bad habits and really don't want his saying his perv things to her or around her.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FIL rant, long
Your list makes me scared...
LOL, they live 2,714 miles away. He is 74 and they just found out he has dementia and Alzheimer?s. He is on meds and is actually better than he was before, but he's ALWAYS been like this. Even when DH was little he did these things. They are also wealthy so they fly up about 4 times a year.
You need to have words with your DH, and HE then needs to speak to your FIL. That behavior, while overall rude, is sh!tty. The thing I have the worst problem with is his disgusting comments. I know they would make me extremely uncomfortable, and I can't imagine you'd feel any less so. The coupon thing, while annoying, can be ignored... the alarm clocks- he needs to do that himself. Make them unavailable and get him a battery operated one for Christmas as a hint. And when he makes comments about your vehuicle, just deflect them with something like "Oh, we just had the oil changed; so it's good- but thanks for asking." (I myself probably wouldn't be as polite, but I don't know how you are with him.)
First and foremost though, DH needs to step up and talk to his dad about boundaries. Before your little girl comes into the world- god knows what kind of comments will come from him then.
ETA: Just read your reply. Is he advanced in those diseases, or is he still mostly aware of his words and actions?
He used to be a pitching coach for softball, but the parents requested he no longer be allowed to do so since he was saying inappropriate things to the girls. I used to try and just let it roll of my shoulders with snarky/ smart @ss comments, but it's just getting worse with the perverted comments and like I said I don't want him to say those types of things around DD. DH is very anti-confrontational and FIL definitely uses his sicknesses to get away with the things he says and does. I'm pretty much the only person in the family that doesn't put up with it. Everyone else just says "Oh FIL stop. That is inappropriate now" or "Well, that's FIL for you." He seriously acts like a small spoiled little brat child.
Totally aware. It is still very early in the diseases. He has always been like this. His brothers are very similar. From what I hear his mother did a real bang up job raising them.
OMG, he does sound insane. The worst part, if you don't mind me saying this, is: his obnoxiousness is so wide-spread it is impossible to confront him in hopes of eliciting any change.
If it makes you feel any better (misery loves company), it has gotten to the point where everything, I mean literally everything about my MIL is unbearable to me. I have the privilege of only having to endure her maybe once a month nowadays, though. I feel crappy at least a day before we see her and I'm usually upset for 1 or 2 days afterwards, it's just so annoying to be polite all the time and acting as though everything is fine.
I don't like exposing my child to the way my ILs behave generally. The only other grandchild just turned 13 and she always spent a lot of time with them. She has always seemed completely unaffected by their example, though, she is absolutely sweet and polite. I suppose, children are able to tell what is appropriate behaviour and they just ignore what they can perceive as unacceptable traits while still embracing the rest.
ETA: Just now read your replies. They do say that dementia tends to enhance traits that always had been there. While I do feel sorry for him and his fate - it's a terrible disease - he sounds like he's always been unpleasant. This is a totally cr4ppy situation.
This is the red flag to me. I would just make sure your DD is NEVER alone with him for even a few minutes. He was probably doing more than just saying things, the parents just couldn't prove it. I would talk to your DH seriously about your concerns. Teaching her weird habits is the least of your worries. He sounds like a molester. Even if he hasn't crossed a physical boundary yet, when his diseases advance a bit, what little sense of boundaries he does have will melt away and then your DD is in real danger.
This is my biggest fear and I don't know how to talk to DH about it since no one else seems to think this is an issue regardless of the facts/signs. Although I don't think he "tried anything" with the softball girls I don't doubt that it would have eventually came to that. I read this from about.com about the diseases.
"Individuals with Alzheimer's may experience reduced sexual interest or -- less often -- sharply increased sexual interest or acting out, known as hypersexuality. Problem behavior can include jealous accusations that a spouse is having an affair, sexual overtures to a nonspouse or masturbation in public.
Other inappropriate behaviors, such as use of vulgar or obscene language, exposing oneself or undressing in public (collectively termed "disinhibition"), may not be sexual at all but can be construed as such by others."
.... I think, if I were you, I would broach it lightly to your husband (w/out making FIL look like a criminal) that you don't want your FIL and daughter alone- make something up; you're worried that FIL might not be fully capable of caring for her consistently, etc. And make sure you're present any time he visits.
And, as bad as it sounds, hope his doctors restrict him from traveling due to his illnesses.
I would make sure its YOU that is supervising any interaction with your DD and FIL. If the rest of the family, including your DH, doesn't take this seriously, they can't be trusted to not leave your FIL alone with DD. Even if he has 5 mins alone with DD, that's enough time to damage her forever. I especially wouldn't let MIL and FIL babysit with you and DH gone for an extended period of time.
All you can do is try to talk to your DH. Tell him you are seriously concerned with his father's behavior with women and young girls and will not allow him to be around DD unless you are there directly supervising. If he won't support your concerns, it will be solely up to you to keep her safe. Good luck. Its not a good situation.
ETA: I wouldn't make anything up. I would be very clear with your DH exactly what your concerns are. Protecting your DD from a potential molester is way more important than protecting your DH's feelings. And if DH doesn't understand your real concern, you can't expect him to take it as seriously as you need him to.
That sounds like a really rough situation. It sounds like this was already a person who didn't have clear social boundaries on acceptable behavior, and the disease has A: made it worse, ad B: given him an opportunity for his true dickliness to show through.
Sadly, I do know at least a little of what you're going through. DH's grandmother suffered from dementia at the end of her life (she died earlier this year as we got our second ultrasound - crazy timing!) and she grew ever more hostile, belittling, and mean to those around her, especially DH's mother. Many people would try and console us by saying "it's just the disease." But the sad truth is, the disease didn't make her another person, it just sharpened her worst qualities. She was herself, at her worst, times a thousand, all the time.
In those rare moments where she was lucid, it was sadly obvious that she was also taking advantage of the situation and trying to "get away" with *** that she clearly knew was wrong, but expected us to baby her because of the disease... It was very hard to know how to react around her, and to be honest, I was very scared about introducing our little one to her.
HOWEVER, the perv stuff is above and beyond what's acceptable-ly dismissable "sick person" behavior. Do not trust this man with your baby. I absolutely agree with PPers on this one. So sorry you have to deal with this, and that you aren't getting the back up you need. At least he's far, far away!
dealing with someone who's got dementia/alzheimer's can be extremely difficult. my grandmother is 93 & was diagnosed probably 15yrs ago, so granted i wasn't very young when all of her quirks got worse. but my parents made it a priority to help her out & have us around her. the more we were with her, the more functional she was, she liked having the company of family around. when she says something really hurtful or does something ridiculous my mother just trys to remind us that THAT is NOT who my Grandmother was and you help family out no matter how bad it gets.
you've got a tougher position since your LO is going to be so young & you probably don't want them exposed to some of his behavior. but by showing them at an early age that sometimes people get sick, and it's not easy to watch them act out, you can teach them acceptance without having to leave them in the care/trust of your FIL all by himself. i would think reglardless of what kind of inappropriate comments your FIL makes, no one would think he's healthy enough to watch your LO alone in the first place.
Sounds awful.... I thought I had it rough, but from your list the only one I have to deal with is: He constantly complains about how bored he is, but when you take him somewhere to do something he is constantly rushing eveyone and asking if we're going home yet.
Good luck!!!