One ADHD, one gifted and talented - any advice?

J&A2008 · December 2010

So, the past couple of years we've been working with oldest SS on his schoolwork. He has difficulty paying attention in school. He wants to be social and he's not very driven to complete his work. He works better at home, and he's pretty smart, I think. He really connected with his teacher last year and got his best grades yet and best behavior reports. She was very easy for us to work with and helped us give him more time at home to complete assignments, communicated with us about his progress, and seemed to genuinely care about his success.

His teacher this year is difficult to work with, hasn't been understanding of SS's slower work habits, and he's just generally so frustrating to talk with I'm sick of him already. DH has had more success in talking with him, but I can't see why he's a teacher when he clearly doesn't take any joy in working with kids facing challenges. So, we've been taking SS to a psychologist. He has so many of the indicators for ADHD, we just hesitate to label him if it's not necessary. I think this year, we're going to do it just to get more help from his lame ass teacher and hopefully this will be a better year for him.

This whole issue is now being complicated, for me, anyway, by younger SS's progress in school. He's advanced beyond any of his classmates in reading and math and the teacher would like to give him extra, more complex math assignments. Math is older SS's biggest challenge. At p/t conferences, younger SS's teacher asked us to speak with him about the extra math work, which we did privately. We didn't address talking with his brother about it, but as soon as we got home, he immediately wanted to tell him. I interrupted before he could get it out and distracted him with something else - probably not the best way to handle it, but I didn't, and still don't, know what to say.

I just don't know how to handle everyone's feelings with these different situations. I don't want either of them to be hurt or feel badly about their abilities.

Anyone deal with this or have advice?

NewNameSameGame · December 2010

I dont' see how you can "hide" it...

I'm in similar shoes....my girls are one grade apart...K and 1st.

My K is reading at the same level as my first grader (who is at the top of her class) and my K is now seeing the Higher Ability Learners teacher because K is too easy for her. We are proud of her and want her to know that we think she's great...BUT we give the same attention and level of praise to our first grader when she's doing things that are appropriate for her OWN level. the expectations are for both of them to try hard and learn more....just because one is smarter or more advanced doesn't mean they get out of stuff, but it also doesn't mean that we are going to pretend its not there to preserve our other's feelings.

honeybearsgirl · December 2010

Has older SS ever had his IQ tested? It is quite possible he is gifted as well. Oftentimes ADHD behaviors in school show up in gifted children who are bored (my father is the poster child for this). In addition, some ADHD children are what are now called 2E, meaning twice exceptional: they have both learning challenges as well as being gifted (this is my sister-in-law).

Just a thought.

JOEBunny · December 2010

If you suspect ADHD, I would not worry about "labeling" him, though I understand your concern with how "label" happy everyone is these days. You can be gifted and be learning disabled. The important thing is to give him the tools to overcome his difficulties and allow him to maximize his potential.

All siblings have different skills, I would focus on your expectations (that they each do their best) and the the things you are proud of them for. I don't think you need to get into details about "advanced" math or "learning disability" with the siblings. Just focus on the positive when talking to them about the other child.

I hope the teacher changes his tune. I hate when a child waste a year because the teacher is not a good fit.

J&A2008 · December 2010

Thanks. We are proud of both of them and how much they've grown. I don't think we can hide anything, if anything, I was wondering about trying to talk to both of them so they can talk about how they're feeling. I think we'll just handle things as they come up.

JOE - I am so disappointed in the teacher this year, because he's made so much progress each year since kindergarten, and this year he seems to have regressed. DH is going to visit his classroom more regularly and hopefully he can see some ways to improve his performance during school time.

J&A2008 · December 2010

-auntie-:

Some random thoughts.

1. Every child is different and needs to be encouraged to be their own best self. I truly believe in multiple intelligences- IQ is only one criteria for measuring gifts. A child can also be socially, musically, artistically, emotionally or athletically gifted. Don't negate what's right about this boy because he doesn't have the "gifts" his brother does.

2. If you suspect the child to have ADHD and you do not pursue a dx, you are being negligent. Would you ignore a kid who was losing weight and drinking constantly because you don't want him labled diabetic?

3. With respect to children who are not performing to the expected standards in the so called ed biz, if you don't not offer a label- one will be provided for you. Stupid, brat, and poorly parented are the usual suspects.

4. The classroom really changes around 4th grade when kids are supposed to be much more responsible and independent in the classroom and at home. What you perceive as a non-cooperative teacher is likely one who is holding your DSS to standards easily met by his well developing peers.

5. The chill you feel coming from the teacher might also be frustration at dealing with a family who clearly have a child who would benefit from special education but aren't "doing their part" to get him the help he needs via a multifactored evaluation and possible Section 504, IEP and treatment plan.

Ok. Wow. Well, he has been seeing the same doctor since first grade. He says SS is borderline and it seems to be more environmental factors that push him over into ADHD, which I kind of don't think is actual ADHD. He seems to maybe have some lingering PTSD from toddlerhood.

Personally, I don't think we should have to define him as ADHD just because the teacher isn't doing his job. We have plenty of resources within the school to help him. Unfortunately, when we changed teachers and changed aides, SS fell through the cracks. When he was doing so great last year, we didn't believe he needed to be in touch with the teacher leader and didn't invite her to p/t conferences as we did the previous year. Last year, SS finished above more than half his class in math and his teacher was satisfied with his classroom behavior. She has a rep of being a "tough" teacher because her expectations are high and she holds kids accountable. SS thrived in her class.

His current teacher just tells us that "SS doesn't seem to get that if he works more in school, he has less homework at home." Well, he does understand. He's not stupid. He's just distracted more at school than at home. When we asked for more notice of larger assignments coming home, often all at once, he said he goes day to day and can't predict when he teaches what, so he really can't plan out what homework comes home on which day. All of this makes me cry out "wtf!" especially when he comes home with an assignment, I email his teacher to ask when it's due, and I get "it has no due date." Really? I think the guy's a joke. DH doesn't seem as frustrated, so I let him go to p/t conferences to talk with him. They supposedly talked about some solutions to the homework/school distractions, but I'm kind of fed up with him.

Anyways, um, thanks?

J&A2008 · December 2010

-auntie-:

Your pediatrician is probably not the best person to observe whether a child has ADHD or not. Think about it, he does a 10 minute well check or else sees him when he's sick- not exactly the intimate knowledge his teachers, peer group or parents would have.

Since you seem to have a good relationship with the previous teacher, ask her what she thinks. It could be he does have some ADHD issues and that her more structured and transparently authoritve style was a better fit for him. Unfortunately, each teacher is different (just as each boss will be in his future) and he'll need to learn to thrive with different styles.

I can appreciate not wanting to label a child, but labels beget services and services level the playing field. There is also the concept of self knowledge. A child who has a name for his own personal set of strengths and weaknesses is an empowered child. If he's in a classroom and family where academics come easily to others while he struggles, he knows he's different. Not labeling him won't change that.

We have talked with our pedi about these issues, but no, I believe I mentioned he was seeing a psychologist.

I would like to talk with the previous teacher. She recently came back from surgery, so I should see if I can get in to talk with her. I kind of openly blame the teacher here, but I really don't want to get in the middle of a teacher comparison or pointing fingers in our school. I do think our teacher is sub-par, but I don't believe any good would come from my voicing that to anyone.

I'd hope that you're right that once he is labeled ADHD the teacher will pay more attention, but at this point, I wonder how much will change.

J&A2008 · December 2010

auntie, I also just want to say that I know a lot about plants, and I believe your ficus might be underwatered. While we're making snap judgments and all. Just sayin'.

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One ADHD, one gifted and talented - any advice?

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