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Pregnant after a Loss
Not sure where else to turn, my dh needs a break from me
He says that he hasn't been happy for a while, at first he said this past month/few months and then he says he can think of things that bother him which go back years. I am as you can expect, completely distraught.
On top of it, I did some investigating and found that he and this girl Holly have been communicating via text continuously for the last two weeks. There have been a few phone calls and he also met up with her and her friends Sunday night. I don't believe that it's gotten any further then talking because honestly I didn't really suspect because he hasn't gone anywhere, he's home everynight. I just don't know what to do. I've tried to contact some marriage counselors because obviously there is an underlying issue but the earliest appt I can get is 1/26/11 and that's way too long.
Last night he told me that he told her the truth (originally he said he had a child and was separated from his wife), supposedly he added that his wife is pregnant. He's also blocked me so that I can't look at his phone records to see if communication really ceased. I asked him if that would end all communication and he said he can't help it if she calls him. He tells me that he loves me but that he doesn't know what he wants and needs time.
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Re: Not sure where else to turn, my dh needs a break from me
Hugs, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can't believe that he would carry on an affair (and yes, an emotional affair is still an affair) with a PG wife. It's the lowest of the low. Plus, the fact that he blocked you from seeing his records and said "I can't help it if she calls me" (uh yeah, he CAN help it...it just sounds like he doesn't particualry want to) leads me to believe that the household would be better right now if he were to temporarily remove himself from it. Not to say that the marriage can't repair itself later, but based on your post, his actions are speaking louder than his words of "I love you". Right now, he sounds like he's not ready to give your marriage 100%.
Can you keep calling around to other therapists? I'm sure there is one in your area that can see you prior to six weeks.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
bfp 01/23/10 m/c 12w1d 03/14/10 EDD 09/24/10
bfp 07/20/10 m/c 5w1d 07/25/10
bfp 11/19/10 Born 07/24/11 via C/S
My Forever Sister From Another Mister~CashewsMommy!!
Missed m/c at 17 weeks, partial molar pregnancy d&c 11/30/09
(((huge hugs))) I am so sorry you're going through this hun. I went through many similar experiences with my ex over many years so I can totally relate. Granted we didn't have kids, but I still can understand the heartache and pain you're going through. I can tell you though I don't like the fact that he blocked you from having any access to see whether or not they're still talking, and his excuse about he can't help it if she calls. It all just sounds really shady.
If you need to talk feel free to PM me. (((big hugs))) I hope he comes around and realizes what he's doing before it's too late. You don't deserve this at all and please DO NOT let him make you think otherwise or that you caused any of this. If he really has had any issues about your relationship he should come to you as a man and try to solve them and NOT turn to someone else.
I am so sorry.
DD #1 born 9/07 ** DD #2 born 7/11 ** Operation Take Back My Body has begun 10/11
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-m/c at 11w2d due to partial molar 2008 -m/c #2 2009
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ITA with damabo. I hope you can find someone sooner and I'm sorry for such a bomb. You do NOT deserve ANY of this.
((((((HUGS))))))))
Twin boys born too early at 17w4d and 18w2d in February 2010
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((BIG HUGE HUGS)) I'm so sorry you're going through this hon. I agree with calling around to more therapists and that he temporarily removes himself from the household. You don't need added stress and neither does DD.
DH and I went through something VERY similar 4 years ago. We were inches away from divorce. Feel free to PM me if you feel the need. I really do hope that things turn around and he gets his head out of his @ss soon.
((HUGS))
I ended up trying to force DH to quit talking to his girl. She knew he was married and still was trying things. (She was THAT kind of...well yeah) It did end up pushing him more towards her.
I ended up saying that if he didn't want to lose me and DD, then he would have to be open, like PP said. I'm not going to make excuses for him, but you both have been through a lot. He may just be going through some kind of mental block. Therapy would be the best thing, but he has to be willing to do it. Try to see if he would be willing to talk to a professional, a pastor, or SOMEONE on his own. That way he can admit the things he's not proud of and try to find some help. Then the two of you can start working on things together.
I really hate that you're going through this. Just remember that stress will not cause you to m/c. It will just make you miserable. As hard as it is, try to relax as much as you can. I really hope that he's willing to work things out.
I am so sorry you are going through this now or ever.
Have you tried a local crisis services agency? often they will have immediate referrals or leads to agencies or counselors that may be more available? or a local religious organization (even if you are not religious they often have counseling available).
I hope he is willing to work through this with you. Stay as strong as you can, and we are here for you.
I am so very sorry you are going through this
I think it's ridiculous he blocked you from reading his phone records (ie he has something to hide) and that he can't stop her from calling him. That is just wrong. It's telling me he wants to continue to talk to her/see her. And the lie about you two being separated?!?!
I don't have any advice but I definitely think you both need to talk about what is going on, and what sort of future you see for eachother, whether that is together, or not
Again, I'm so sorry (( big hugs ))
The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware; joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. -Henry Miller
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First, I'm sorry that you're being put through this.
Secondly, how have you not ripped his testicles off?
You know you can expect brutal honesty from me, so here goes...
I think that if he's hiding his phone records from you, he's hiding other things too. That business about how he can't help it if she calls him? Has your DH heard of blocking a number? It can be done, you know.
To do this to you while you're pregnant, and while you have a gorgeous little daughter at home is disgusting.
To me, in all honesty, it sounds like he's not sorry he did this, but just sorry he got caught. And would it have stopped before it progressed had you not caught it?
I don't have an answer to that, at this point Im relieved that it didn't get that far because we have a sliver of hope of working this out. I don't know why Im not going for the juggular, maybe because he was so calm about it, Im not sure. I wish that I could find the strength to pack his bags and have them waiting for him when he got home, that would be a real shocker for him, but then I change my mind because it's weirdly comforting that he's still choosing to be at home, I don't know, Im just in such a state of shock, I can't believe this is my life. I did finally have a therapist office call me back and she's going to check my insurance and give me a ring back today or tomorrow and she's aware that I want to get in there sooner rather then later. Im still going to try a couple more.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. You don't deserve it.
I can't believe that your DH would think something like this is okay and for you to be understanding of it. You're handling it much better that I would. I think therapy would be good, hopefully by calling around the city you can find a earlier appointment.
We are all here for you. ((hugs))
BFP#1 1.28.10; HB 6w5d 2.18.10; No HB 3.8.10; Natural m/c 3.9.10 at 9w3d
BFP#2 - 7.22.10 DD born 3.16.11
BFP#3 - 8.11.11 DS born 3.27.12
This. (((huge hugs))) I can't believe he's being so selfish
I am really sorry you are dealing with this. I haven't got any advice at all. {hugs} and you will be in my prayers.
Rylan 1/27/2011, 2:42 pm, 5lbs 12oz, 18.5 inches long
Ayla 10/02/2013, 10:14 am, 6lbs 14oz, 19.25 inches long
Missed Miscarriage 6w3d 3/02/2010
I'll hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven.
Isabella Faith---Born 12/17/10 via c-section.
Abigail Marie---Born 11/16/12 via c-section
Oh honey I am soo sorry that you are going through this. I have been in your shoes. My soon to be ex husband got a secret cell phone and had me blocked to where I could not check the bank statements online so I wouldn't see his purchases. He got a secret cell and took her to the movies and dinner etc. He left me for her but it's a long story and an emotional rollercoaster and they broke up and he's 3000 miles away now.
Does your husband want to go to a counselor? The fact that your husband blocked you from checking phone records is a serious RED flag. He has given you another reason to not trust him. It does not sound like he really wants to cut off contact with her. My ex also told the other woman that he was separated and going through a divorce and was only living with me out of convienance....he didn't tell her I was pregnant either....I told her and she got p!ssed.
He said he needs time??? I don't like the sound of this especially when he is getting close to another woman. He needs to cut off all contact and it would not hurt if you contacted the woman yourself even though many others would disagree.
An emotional affair really is still an affair. For further support you can always look into survivinginfidelity.com. The posters there have been through it all and can offer support as well as advice. I wish you the best in this situation and (((HUGS))).
After reading your post again I just can't get over him blocking you from the phone records and saying that he cannot keep her from calling. That and the fact he says he does not know what he wants and needs time. BS. He clearly does not want to cut off contact from her. Men who have nothing to hide, hide NOTHING. It's almost as if he wants time......time only to see where this goes with the other woman. As if he wants to see if he's happier with her or you. This is a very tough situation. If you kick him out..yes he might run to her...if you give him time....he might even get closer to her anyway. Either way....he MUST cut off contact from her as of yesterday.
Do you know where he met this woman? Does he work with her? She seems shady and trashy.....what kind of woman wants to pursue a married man anyway? Especially when the woman found out he lied to her.
Maybe try telling him that as long as he in UNSURE what he wants that the contact with her must stop and that if he cannot tell her himself that you will...have him call her in front of you on speaker. Hey if he wants to work on his marriage he has to earn your trust back. This includes him unblocking you from the cell phone records.
First I am very sorry that you are going through this. I've been there, 5 years ago while pg too, and it sucks.
That being said, I just can't sugar coat things. Who is this girl and how did he meet her? Please don't be naive to think that he couldn't have done something besides just talk to this girl. It is possible that he could have slept w/ her. People who want to cheat find a way. Whether it is a physical affair or an emotional affair, it is unacceptable. Not just b/c you are pregnant but b/c he is MARRIED.
He says he needs time b/c he wants to see if he has a chance w/ this other girl. If it doesn't pan out to anything, then he can just merrily pick up on his marriage but it is obvious his marriage and family are not his top priority. There is no reason that he should be blocking you from his cell bill except that he is most certainly hiding something. He can block her from calling also, it only costs a few $$ through the phone company. He could ignore her calls. There is plenty he can do. He doesn't want to.
Saying he hasn't been happy in days/months/years is BS. He is trying to find a way that he can put this on you and make you to blame for his uncertainty.
If you do nothing, if you buy into his crap then you are ALLOWING him to do this. Only you can allow someone to take advantage of you. He will not wake up till he thinks he has something to lose. You need to tell him to stop contact or he can leave. If you think you are pushing him closer to her if you do that, you have to realize YOU are not doing anything (or anything wrong). None of this is your fault. none.of.it. This is all on him. All.of.it.
please visit surviving infidelity. com It is a great website.
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but like I said, I've been there. I threw him out. We were separated for months. It went on back and forth for a very long time. We now have a 3 month old daughter and I love life and my husband more than the day we got married. It is possible to fix things. I'm proof of that, but you need to do something, not just sit by and take his sh!t.
Good luck and please PM me if you would like to talk.
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
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BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I hate to make you feel worse than you already do, but I have to agree with many of the PPs that him blocking you from seeing his phone records is uber-sketchy. And him telling you that he can't do anything about her calling him is infuriating because he's trying to further reduce any responsibility he has.
I think pursuing counseling is a great idea and I admire that you have been able to keep your head enough to make that decision and all the subsequent calls. I'm not sure I'd be able to immediately make healthy decisions like that if it were me.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. And I don't know what kind of a man he is, but please don't let him make you feel that this is all your fault. Sending you big hugs.
This is heartbreaking to hear, I'm sorry. I couldn't imagine being pregnant with a DD and this happening to me. Several years ago, I found out my DH had been texting this girl at work a lot. We didn't have a texting plan, so all of a sudden the bill spiked. He gave me a shady answer, so one day while we were at a friends house with the whole gang, his phone was lying on the couch while everyone was outside and I came in to pee. He received a text the moment I walked by and instincts told me he was hiding something from me. There was a totally shady message from this b!tch he worked with and I couldn't help myself, I ripped him a new one right then and there, all of our friends heard. It took awhile to make him see what he was doing was wrong, even if he thought it was harmless, other people were noticing they were buddy buddy at work (which was embarrassing to me), and I reminded him that she might be falling for him, a married man. I am NOT a fan of homewreckers, let me tell you.
He doesn't just get to tell you he needs time. You deserve more information than that, counseling is good, but like PPs said, he needs to want to talk things over and work things out. You two need to sit down and hash things out. He needs to realize things are NOT greener on the other side.
Good luck with everything.
BFP 10/25/10 Brynn Helen born 7/7/11
You need to get that girls number and CALL HER! Seriously if he is willing to cheat when you are pregnant he is a scum bag, sorry but that is the worst thing a person could do....
Big hugs to you and call that chick!
((hugs))
Check out www.survivinginfidelity.com. Lots of great resources there.
((hugs))
A
Oh honey I am so sorry about all of this happening to you, and especially right now.
The fact that he's hiding his phone from you is a huge warning sign IMO. My ex had this work "friend" that he was talking to and hanging out with all the time and I finally told him that if he didn't nip it in the bud, I was going to call her out at work in front of everyone (they worked retail so I could have made a MAJOR scene at the store) and I'd go after her. That is finally what it took for him to realize that this "friendship" wasn't worth his marriage. And I even stalked him a few times to make sure that when he said he was going out with other friends after work, that's exactly who he was with and not with her. Did I look a bit possessive and psycho? Probably, but he knew I meant business and he never tried any funny business again. Our marriage ended 6 years later although ultimately for a whole host of different reasons.
I'm a bit Mama Bear (i.e. I'll protect my turf and rip your head off if you threaten me or anyone I care about), but I'd look at some emergency therapy or yourself even if he can't/won't go (even a hotline if you need one) and consider calling her yourself. She needs to understand the full story so she can't say she didn't know. After all, we only know that she knows what he is telling her, and the fact that he would even pretend to be separated from you and telling her that is MAJOR. Even if he corrected it (and all we have his is word that he did), he lied about you to another woman. NOT COOL.
And this is going to sound bad, but I knew a guy at work that was having a full-fledged affair and was home by 7pm every night. Just because he comes home every night doesn't necessarily mean anything.
I am probably coming across as a Debbie Downer here and I don't mean to, but I really hope that you can kick his ass into shape sweetie!
Harper Oksana, born on her due date, January 20, 2011, and the love of my life