Give me your best stress-coping and cooling off skills...

bim38106 · December 2010

This is not SAHM related, but it's on my mind...and I guess it kind of is child-related, since I don't want my girls to see me lose my temper w/ my dad

In all seriousness, my dad is a very difficult person to get along with. He is also extremely stubborn, and set in his ways, and very old-fashioned thinking, which can sometimes be very un-PC...

We're spending Xmas week at my parents house across country. My dad is in an especially BAD mood lately because of work (worse then usual, which is already bad enough...).

On Saturday, he hung up the phone on me because I dared to mention that I wondered if I should get a bedrail for DD1 for their house (they have a twin for her). He yelled at me that I was ridiculous and overprotective parents and he never would have gotten a bedrail for me or my brothers when we were little. Then he hung up. At first I was kind of in shock, did that really happen?? I was just calmly talking to him...then I got pissed.

I guess 1) I don't want my girls to ever see him treat me that way. And 2) if/when he does, I don't want to fly off the handle in front of them!

So, I need your best stay-calm strategies... do you just walk away? Do you try to confront calmly.? How do you handle seeing someone daily when they're like this?

Ugh, I think part of this was just getting that out....but if you have any advice on dealing with someone like this, I'd love to hear it !

Geek_Girl · December 2010

Seriously? The answer to all of your questions is simple - don't go. Yes, I'm sure you want to see your family, but not at *this* cost. When he or others ask why, tell him/them that his temper is out of control and you refuse to be spoken to that way.

The only way you're going to get respect is to demand it. The only way you get treated well is to demand it. We get treated the way we ALLOW people to treat us.

bim38106 · December 2010

Geek_Girl, I absolutely agree that the only way I'm going to get respect is to demand it. We're going to go because we want to see my mom and my brothers, as well as DH's cousin (who's married to my closest friend) and his aunt/uncle.

I emailed my dad after he hung up on me, basically telling him that it was time he treated us like adults and respected us. And I told him I was no longer going to tolerate him treating me that way, especially in front of my kids. Of course he never emailed back, and I'm sure he just laughed it off...like, oh there's my oversensitive daughter at it again!

Sadly, he treats my mom that way too, if not worse. And she's always put up with it... but that's a whole other long story! My grandfather was even worse then my dad. My brothers don't see it...or they kind of do, but they support my dad because he's such a hard worker and he works his a$$ off and brought us to this country to make our lives better, blah blah blah.... I know, but that doesn't excuse it.

It's hard because I don't want to cause a rift in the family... but at the same time... well, you know! I told my mom that if he acted up even once, we'll be out and at a hotel. I have to admit, there's a small part of me that hopes that does happen, just so I can prove a point and show him I meant it when I told him it was time to show us some respect.

Geek_Girl · December 2010

Can you stay at a hotel or with someone else?

bim38106 · December 2010

Geek_Girl:
Can you stay at a hotel or with someone else?

I'm looking into it as we speak This goes so much further then this post, but I feel like I've finally made a change for the positive in my life and it's time I take firmer action with my dad. Thanks for responding

MamatoJackson · December 2010

I just want to say that I have a stepfather who is very much like this. Worse than you described (though I'm sure you didn't want to elaborate). He can be profane, is very demeaning, etc.

I finally told my Mom that I wasn't ever going to be around him again and... I haven't seen him in 1 1/2 years. My child has never met him and I prefer that he doesn't. I know it's different because it's your real dad and that's obviously a different ballgame, but... you need to do what's best for you.

I think staying in a hotel is a good compromise so that you can leave when you want to and he doesn't have the control of your being there under his roof.

tabi_ja · December 2010

My dad sounds a lot like yours. And yeah, he treated my mom like that for my entire life. My parents have now been divorced for 4 years. My dad got even worse after the divorce, and would call me to complain about my mom and scream profanities at me (this was pre-Miles). One day, I hung up on him and didn't talk to him for a month. I only called him because it was Christmas Day. Later that week, while we were still in town, I sat down with my dad and had a 'come to Jesus' about how he was not allowed to treat me like that ever again. I've had to remind him of our agreement on multiple occasions, and we simply cannot talk about certain topics (my mother, politics, religion, for example). But overall, I have a much better relationship with him now.

I agree with the pp - you are going to have to put your foot down at some point. Have a hotel as a back-up.

JenWhite123 · December 2010

I would go ahead and make hotel reservations, don't stay at the house with him. Stand your ground now, not after a blow-up.

I didn't see my parents for 2 years because of how they treated me. They live 5 states away. I refused to spend *MY* hard-earned vacation time in pure misery.

EveryNameIWantIsTaken · December 2010

I agree that a hotel, if possible, would be best. My family all lives close, so when they start getting crazy (my sister can be a total b!tch and then hooks my mom into ganging up on me often) I just leave and go home. If you are staying at a hotel, when it gets to be too much, you can just leave. Sucks that it may need to be that way, but I think most people would understand.

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