Re: Angel Babies

kiwi443 · December 2010

This letter to the editor was in my local paper this morning.

TO THE EDITORS:

As the mother of a stillborn son, I'd like to weigh in on the "angel" debate.My husband and I have a decal on our car that reads, "Proud Parents of an Angel," and I wear a bracelet charm that calls our son, "Our Angel."

Do I literally believe that he's become an angel? No. I believe that he's in Heaven, and that I'll see him there someday, but not in winged form.So why the euphemism? It's just a gentle way of telling the world, "My baby died. It's horrible, but it happens more often than you'd think. There's a member of my family who you can't see but he was very real to us."

I'll never get to announce my son as an honor roll student or show off pictures of him smiling in his sports uniforms.This is my way to tell you that I'm really the mother of three, not just the two girls you see in the backseat.

So, please, be gentle to those of us with angels dangling from chains, affixed to our cars or tattooed on our shoulders. It may be one of the few ways we have to share our loss with the world.

If you have experienced a loss, does this accurately describe your feelings?

annibes · December 2010

I haven't lost a child, but my identical twin sister was stillborn while I made it. My mom never really acknowledged the loss to me, other than when she told me about it, and my dad never talks about my sister. I feel very lonely in acknowleging her- it's like she only exists to me and my parents. I think something like this would help. I have a figurine a friend gave me, of two girls talking- I think of my sister when I look at it. Ilike to think we would have been so close.

macchiatto · December 2010

I hadn't realized there was an "angel debate"; that makes me sad. I am all for people having ways like that to express their losses. I haven't experienced a loss myself but I have two "angel" siblings and we talked openly about them.

annibes:
I haven't lost a child, but my identical twin sister was stillborn while I made it. My mom never really acknowledged the loss to me, other than when she told me about it, and my dad never talks about my sister. I feel very lonely in acknowleging her- it's like she only exists to me and my parents. I think something like this would help. I have a figurine a friend gave me, of two girls talking- I think of my sister when I look at it. Ilike to think we would have been so close.

I'm so sorry; that must be hard to process when you feel like you can't really talk about it. I don't know if this will help, but I believe www.twinstuff.com has a forum for "twinless twins," if you ever want to talk to people who have experienced the same type of loss.

ETA: The site seems to be down right now, so I can't double-check the name of that forum. It's a very active message board though and I've never had technical problems with it before so if you can't get on it right now, you might want to bookmark it and try back later.

fairychick77 · December 2010

I can't believe there is a debate over something like this. People should be able to express their losses any way they choose to without outsiders weighing in on it. That makes me really sad.

MrsPatterson · December 2010

Absolutely. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and I think of that baby as my "angel" baby. I never knew how to answer people when I was pg with DS and they would ask if he was my first. I knew that they meant, and I knew I'd make them uncomfortable if I said, "No, I had a m/c", so I always just said yes. But my angel baby was just as much a baby to me as DS. I don't believe that my first baby is actually an angel, and I love how the author of that letter described everything. It is perfect.

Mrs.Hizzo · December 2010

I'd be interested to know what the original article said about it.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to grieve, and I don't think anyone's feelings should be invalidated. For me, personally, I think there is a huge difference between having an early loss or a late one, or god forbid a stillborn child. I've had two early miscarriages, and it sucked, but the thought of carrying a baby almost to term and then losing him is beyond horrible. For my early losses, it's been a personal thing. I prefer to move on from it, and not dwell. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. We were in church on Sunday, and the speaker asked that everyone think of a time when they first saw a new life, blah blah, and I'm sure he meant to instill warm fuzzy feelings of the first time we held a new child, or grandchild, or niece or nephew. All I could think of was that slow little heartbeat on the ultrasound that we knew wasn't going to thrive, and it made me very sad. I loved him even though he was only with us for nine weeks, but I don't want or need to advertise (for lack of a better word) our loss. If it helps someone else cope, I think that's fine.

Shayna0182 · December 2010

I've lost two babies, G at 17 weeks, and H at 29 weeks. Both were horrible, but in slightly different ways. I can go visit H's gravestone, whenever I like, however G was labeled as a miscarriage, so even though I went through labor and delivery and actually pushed her out, it wasn't the same as H's, where we have a death certificate and had a funeral service. I've always answered that I have one living child. So far, no one's asked anything else about it, and I feel truthful.

kiwi443 · December 2010

Mrs.Hizzo:

I'd be interested to know what the original article said about it.

I'm sorry, I don't know what spurred this response. I typically skim over the letters to the editor and only read if something grabs my attention. I missed the initial article.

I agree that each person should be able to remember their loss in whatever way they choose. I thought this woman did a wonderful job of describing why she and her husband chose to use the angel symbol/reference.

cole'swishes · December 2010

As a Mommy who has lost a little boy and a little girl to stillbirth this speaks to me. I have three children and though one lives the other two are very real to me. They are loved as much today as they were on the days they were born. It is horrible to bury your child/ren & we remember will them in our own ways. So yes, this accurately describes how I feel.

hisaak · December 2010

Yes, it is pretty accurate.

When we lost our twin girls (PTL due to TTTS) the only way I could express it on my blog and facebook was to say "tonight my angels grew wings". I don't (and didn't) literally think they became angels, but the alternative was too awful to say. Someone did point out to me that they weren't actually angels ... needless to say, I didn't appreciate it at all.

For me, I have learned to never judge when it comes to matters of m/c and stillbirth. For every person it is extremely personal and different. For us, it was even different between losing our girls, and our second pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

heatherlane · December 2010

I am just shocked that anyone would even think to question a family that chose to express their loss/rememberance in that way.

If I lost a child, esp. late term, it would be very difficult not to put someone in their place when they implied that "angel" was not what I should call my child. The nerve of people surprises me each day.

I am sorry to anyone here who has been through a loss. Remember your child/ren any way you want!

shihtzumomma · December 2010

I agree with this 100%

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