trying to decide about #3...a money question

Kat28655 · December 2010

DH is all about having a 3rd child. I'm on the fence, but leaning towards no. My primary reasoning is money. I don't think we can afford it. He seems to think otherwise...we recently ran into a co-worker of mine, single income family making $35,000 annually and expecting #4 and I'm saying that we can't afford #3 with a combined income of around $80,000.

I know it's NOT just a money thing, but can anyone offer me some prespective?

rsd12 · December 2010

We are only a 1 income family & have three. I would love a 4th, but the three we have are close in age & my husband my literally keel over with another mouth to feed right now ; ) (okay I should not make light of it.. we are actually going through some medical issues with two of our boys right now & this is the first time I am feeling a bit overwhlemed). I will be going back to work once my youngest is in school.

We make a lot of sacrifices but I think it is well worth it. It was not until after our 2nd was born that we realized we wanted 1 more & did not want to regret missing our chance & 20 years down the road wishing we had 1 more. I guess we got lucky having three boys - we don't have to spend a lot on clothes or speciality toys - everything get's handed down & they love it!

It's not that I don't think about college for our boys, but I know we will figure it out. Many parents do! Our kids might have to work, but even parents with 1 or 2 kids still have financial issues.

I just knew that I was not done. I am still not sure, but respect my husband's decision about being done.

Kat28655 · December 2010

Thanks for your feedback. I'm sorry about your medical issues and feeling overwhelmed--I hope everything calms down soon. Good luck!!

Daisiesinmygarden · December 2010

For me, I wouldn't want to regret not having the family I want because I am not in the perfect situation now and I guess I tend to be eternally optomistic that things will work out and generally get better over time. While I wouldn't put myself in a position where we couldn't afford the basics or drove us into financial suicide, I would be willing to sacrifice a lot to have the family that feels right to me.

*ETA* I guess my point is, at my age, more money can come later, but I have a small window of time to have more children if I want them.

.

rsd12 · December 2010

Kat28655:
Thanks for your feedback. I'm sorry about your medical issues and feeling overwhelmed--I hope everything calms down soon. Good luck!!

Thanks! I would not trade my kids for anything or the chaos - I do love it!

But I think I was trying to say that you are right it can be tough - especially financially - we are paying a lot out of pocket right now since some stuff insurance won't cover.. while other things like two surgeries (2 different kids) & genetics stuff with our third in one year is tough even with insurance. I don't think every year will be like this.. but it is hard to plan all of this & just our luck that all of this is going on this year. All three kids have been to the children's hospital this year ; )

But at the same time, once you have the third how could you ever regret it ; )

BrideBuddies · December 2010

No matter if you have no kids, two kids or 15 kids... you will NEVER think you have enough money.

As for your current income, it will likely not stay at $80K forever. And really, it's more about learning to budget and sacrafice more than you do now. That friend who earns $35K with more kids has managed to do it somehow.. maybe you can talk to her about how she does it.

I say go for it!

Peppernut · December 2010

If you feel like your family is complete at two (or one, or seven, or whatever) that, to me, is the single best reason to stop, followed by health issues. Other reasons may lead to regrets. If you feel content and "done" with the size of your family, that should be that. If your husband would like more, if he were me I would need more of a reason than money to convince me otherwise.

robynlesley · December 2010

Daisiesinmygarden:
For me, I wouldn't want to regret not having the family I want because I am not in the perfect situation now and I guess I tend to be eternally optomistic that things will work out and generally get better over time. While I wouldn't put myself in a position where we couldn't afford the basics or drove us into financial suicide, I would be willing to sacrifice a lot to have the family that feels right to me.

*ETA* I guess my point is, at my age, more money can come later, but I have a small window of time to have more children if I want them.

.

That's exactly why we had Aaron when we did. We didn't want to wait until we could afford a child. But in our case, it would be foolish to have a 2nd when we are struggling so badly with one child (and one expensive dog ? vet bills are ridiculous).

I think it's not the income number per se but what the cost of living is. $80K will go a LOT further in the South than it will in NJ. I mean we looked at the cost of houses in TX and you can get a mansion (IMO) for $250K but in NJ that would be a 2 bedroom condo.

Though in my case, the one and done is not just based on money but also based on my exhaustion level of caring for 1 child, taking care of aging parents and just working. I couldn't add another to the mix without having a breakdown.

mtnrider · December 2010

I guess I'm in the minority of people who think that money should be a factor in the decision to have another child. I tend to take a very practical approach to life and money was one of several factors that led us to decide not to have a second child...definately not the biggest factor (both our ages and my miserable pregnancy were bigger considerations).

ateytelb · December 2010

We did take money into consideration (as well as other factors) and decided we can handle it (my #3 is my DH's #2 as my oldest is from my previous marriage). I do agree with PP that 80K in the South has much more value than 80K in NY/NJ area. Right now I am really stressed out with my 3 y.o. and the newborn even though I am lucky enough to be able to hire help. I am simply being in the survival mode, wich has nothing to do with money. Hopefully I will get more relaxed soon.

kimisuejoia · December 2010

We are a single income family and would love to have another (if my body will cooperate!). Sometimes its tough, sometimes we have unexpected expenses and we struggle, but for us it is so important that we are willing to have a few lean years in order to have the family we feel is the right size for us.

Finances SHOULD be a factor in your decision, but I don't think it should be the *main* factor. There are some people who honestly can't stretch their budget any further than it is currently going. But I think most of us could probably tighten up if we had to, or if we felt the reason was good enough. I'd love to have more money, but not more than I want another child!

Ultimately it is a super personal decision. But IMHO it is one made with your head and heart, not with your bank statement. Good luck!

Kat28655 · December 2010

Thank you all for your input. I still have a lot of thinking to do, but hearing your opinions helps me to process how I feel. Thanks again!

P.G.&A.M. · December 2010

I agree that money should be a factor in a decision to add another baby, but it shouldn't be the only factor. I think sitting down and looking at income and expenses to see really where you are at would be a good place to start. Also you need to decide about what kind of lifestyle you want to have. Some people are happy with a large family and less stuff and trips while others are not. That's a very personal decision.

I see your 2 kids are pretty little yet- not school age. Do you pay a lot toward daycare? I ask because that was one of our factors in being to add number 3 at this stage. As expensive as it is, we can manage 2 in daycare. My oldest will be in kindergarten this fall so this was the perfect time for us to be able to add #3. 3 in daycare would have been manageable but I shudder at thinking of how expensive that would have been and how tight things would have been financially.

bklynbridecesh · December 2010

For us, having a third would mean renovating the basement (since we only have two bedrooms) and buying a minivan. I am the only one working and DH is a SAHD. Right now DS is sleeping with us in our room. Once he is sleeping 12 hours at night we will put him in DD's room with bunkbeds but that situation won't last forever. We will eventually need to renovate the basement anyway. It's a matter of doing it now or later. I say go for it if that is what your heart is telling you, since you will find a way to make ends meet somehow. You will always regret not having another if it's what you truly want. Then again if your gut is saying no, then that's okay to. Follow your heart. Once DS is sleeping 12 hours a night DH and I will talk about starting to TTC or not.

Kat28655 · December 2010

P.G.&A.M.:

I agree that money should be a factor in a decision to add another baby, but it shouldn't be the only factor. I think sitting down and looking at income and expenses to see really where you are at would be a good place to start. Also you need to decide about what kind of lifestyle you want to have. Some people are happy with a large family and less stuff and trips while others are not. That's a very personal decision.

I see your 2 kids are pretty little yet- not school age. Do you pay a lot toward daycare? I ask because that was one of our factors in being to add number 3 at this stage. As expensive as it is, we can manage 2 in daycare. My oldest will be in kindergarten this fall so this was the perfect time for us to be able to add #3. 3 in daycare would have been manageable but I shudder at thinking of how expensive that would have been and how tight things would have been financially.

YES!! Our Monthly daycare bill is more than our mortgage!!! There's NO WAY we could afford 3 in daycare!! But if I wait until DD is in school, then I'll be 38-39. Oh, decisions, decisions!!

trying to decide about #3...a money question

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