- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 24 Months+
VTbride05
member
What are your thoughts on HAVING to see the G'parents on Christmas Day?
VTbride05
member
(Sorry if this turns out to be long!)
We stay home for Christmas Day. That is important to me and DH (although not happy about it) agrees to do it every year.
The weekend before Christmas we spend with my inlaws. Two days of fun fun fun (wink wink). We spend the night (only time all year) and hang with BIL, SIL, kids.
The weekend after Christmas has always been a weekend with my family (note both families live one hour from us in neighboring towns). We have done this for YEARS and it works out great.
Yesterday I walked in to find silence with DH and MIL.... she then told me that she invited herself to our house on Dec 26th, but DH had told her that we would be with my family that day. She was clearly upset by this.
So it sparked a long chat between DH and myself and he thinks that we MUST allow the G'parents to see our kids on Christmas Day if they want to. I say no. My parents are more than happy to spend the day together and allow each family to do its own thing. They call, chat with the kids, but that is it. So this really only applies to my inlaws. I see DH's thinking.... that they shouldnt be alone for the holidays (they arent now, go to a huge family event that only we are absent from, but DH thinks that will dissolve in a few years). I am happy to host something on Christmas eve or Christmas day, but I want the night of the eve, and the morning of Christmas with DS, DH and I. We already have traditions started and more to come. We have such busy lives that a whole day together without a job to worry about, or housework is rare!
SO what are your thoughts? Do you think that G'parents HAVE to see their grandkids on Christmas day? (Note we see inlaws at least once a month!).
Like giveaways? Like my blog!
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What are your thoughts on HAVING to see the G'parents on Christmas Day?
There is nothing easy about the holidays when you have kids and are dealing with families lol
In your situation, I would probably offer to host Christmas dinner or a later-afternoon appetizers and snacks thing if you don't want to have to do a fancy dinner. I think as long as you aren't being "forced" to have to travel and they are willing to come to you that that is a good enough compromise.
We live 30 mins from my parents right now. We do Christmas Eve with my dad's extended family at my grandmom's house, but will spend the rest of the night at church/home. Christmas morning we will do our own thing and then go to my mom and dad's for Christmas dinner. This year we have to travel to see DH's family
My parents divorced when I was very young, so I'm used to sharing the time. My Mom lived with her parents and my Dad lived with his Mom so we were also use to sharing events with grandparents. I have fond memories of that.
Even now we share our holidays. We alternate years with mine and DH's family (his family lives 7 hrs away). So on the years we are here we do Christmas Eve with my Mom and her side of the family and go to my Dad's Christmas. Right now we spend the night at my Mom's because DD doesn't know Santa yet. But our next time at home we will go home Christmas Eve and go to my dads after xmas presents. I personally love spending the holidays with the whole family, but I know everyone feels differently.
Before I say more, let me say this- No, grandparents don't "have" to see your kids ON Christmas. they aren't going to keel over and die if they don't.
However, again, I'm not sure what your issue is. It seems like you're saying you don't want them to come over at all, but then you said the above.
If this is over just the morning, then I am 100% w/ you. His parents can come over later that day. If it's at all, then, eh.... you like to stay home, your DH rolls w/ that one. If he would like to see his parents too, I think having them over later in the day is a nice compromise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This year it doesnt matter much as the G'parents will be out of town on Christmas anyway. But in the future years to come DH thinks that we should host his parents and brother on Christmas eve and have them all spend the night. That is why I said I would host one or the other. DH then has visions of his parents sitting at home on Christmas morning, bored, and wanting ("needing") to be with their grandkids. So my question was... should they HAVE to see them on that day? Isnt the weekend before enough (aside from hosting something).
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
It seems like you are the only one who likes this tradition of seeing no one on Christmas. I understand you want to start your own tradition with your family -- but for me, part of the tradition is being with my extended family and celebrating. So, maybe your husband feels the same way.
My husband's family is a plane ride a way so we do every other year there. This year is a non travel Christmas so we will be spending tons of time with my family (I'm hosting them Christmas Eve and we will pretty much spend all of Christmas day at my parents house). I love that my husband is willing to do so! The more the merrier in my opinion. My child loves all the action, the grandparents love seeing her delight, and everyone is happy at the end of it all.
I like what JenF suggested, maybe open your home Christmas afternoon?
I'm going to take a little bit of a different perspective on this. Do your in-laws HAVE to see the kids on Christmas Day? No. But, it sounds like it is important to them and even your husband. One of these days, perhaps even sooner than you might think, your children's GP may not be around on Christmas Day. I've always taken the approach that the more that we can share with our family, and expose our children to their ancestors, is special time. Especially on special days.
Perhaps I'm extra sensitive right now because my husband's dad died before our children were born, and my grandfather is in hospice right now and will not be here on Christmas Day. But, regardless, we've always made extra effort to spend holidays with family.
So, to answer your question - you certainly have the right to make your own traditions and have your say in what you want your family to do. And, there's no rule or law that GP must see their kids. But, I think you should consider compromising with your DH on what is clearly very important to him. If we lived within an hour of my family or my DH's family, and we refused to let them see their grandchildren on Christmas Day, I would feel terrible about it.
This is often true. I love hosting, and I love being with family.... BUT this year (which is a normal year) we have been at my parents or inlaws for the last 6 weekends. Next weekend we have the inlaw holiday, then Christmas, the day after we go to my dad's, weekend after at my mom's and weekend after that with my whole extended family. We see our family a lot. Often. We love to. Because of DH's work schedule we havent had a weekend with him at home since the first week in Oct. So one quiet day at home as a family sounds just about perfect.
As a kid we went to 3 places on Christmas day. I just wanted to be home playing with my new things. I wanted to do fun things with my family.
It's hard. It always will be. Every family is so different. We are lucky that our family is close and we see them often. I am also lucky that my DH is now happy to stay home and have a quiet family holiday, at least for one day.
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
I know. Clearly I am coming across like Scrooge! Sorry, I am anything but! I just disagree with DH thinking that his parents need to be here on Christmas Eve and Day to be part of their grandson's holiday. They see him the weekend before, and a party Christmas night should be enough. Yes, we are lucky to have them. We have lost loved ones in the last few years, and of course our traditions might change as our family does, but for now, one morning alone opening gifts, without the G'parents NEEDING to be here does not seem unreasonable to me.
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
I totally agree about the Christmas morning thing. Have them there at 11 am, and everyone wins.
This will be our seventh Christmas together and my husband and I are finally to the point where I think people 'get' that we're serious when we say we don't want to make the day of Christmas a hassle. We used to get up at 5 in the morning, go one of my parent's homes, get to his parent's by 7-8, and then go to my other parent's home after. After that, we were expected to go to my husband's grandmother's house for a family get-together. Dumbest.thing.ever, honestly. It was so stressful and I told DH when we had kids we would not continue to do it.
For DS's first Christmas, DH gave in and told me his parents had always had the grandkids over on Christmas morning. I went along with it, only to have my MIL ask what our son's name was and he was six months old. Yup, that sealed the deal and now my husband is more than willing to go see people the day before Christmas or the day after. We're willing to go to other homes later in the day, but my parents don't require that and my ILs don't find this suitable b/c it's not the morning. I'm unwilling to rush my kids through Christmas morning to please the masses; I want them to remember Christmas morning as a relaxing, exciting time, not a hurry up and wait kind of thing that was my life for five years.
I think marriage is about compromises. If your husband wants his parents over on Christmas, give them the afternoon or the evening, but keep the morning for your family. This way you can continue with your Christmas morning traditions, but you're giving an option that allows your ILs to see your kids, too. Of course, if you invite your ILs, your parents should be invited, too. We did this for DS's first Christmas -- of course, my parents were the only ones to show AND they're divorced and bitter. DH's parents were unwilling to stop by at all, which is why we ended up there Christmas morning.
Whatever happens, I hope you have a merry Christmas!
I agree with you that that suggestion is overkill. I want my alone time with my kids too. However, I think your DH has a say in this. He shouldn't have to spend his Christmas feeling guilty and worrying about his family. I don't think the weekend before is the same for most people, even if it is more time. If this bothered my DH this much, I would volunteer to have everyone over for dinner, appetizers around 4 on Christmas Day. That would give us plenty of alone time with the kids, time to play and clean up and prepare. I do think it's unfair that you don't allow the grandparents to see the grandkids on Christmas.
Is there more back story here; like you have IL problems?
I think if everything has been working wonderfully with how you split up the holidays to see everyone up until now, that you should not change anything. Especially since you're traveling all these weekends in a row and already have plans to see IL's this weekend anyway. Maybe start a new schedule next year when you have more time to sort out your travel arrangements/timing.
My mom told me once that if I couldn't make it on a holiday, no biggie, but MIL feels entitled to visits on every holiday no matter what happens and anything less is unacceptable. The pressure is so straining and really takes the fun out of everything...
I agree with you, we always want to have at least a quiet Christmas morning with our kids too, just us. We see my inlaws (10 min away) on Christmas eve day & eve and then after lunch on Christmas Day we drive 2.5hrs to spend a few days with my family. We have done it this way for years and I like it, minus all the driving. Secretly I would love to bunker down and say if you want to see us you know where we live but then we wouldn't see anyone since we are the only ones willing to travel.
This year we had a mini battle with MIL to have coffee and treats at our house after dinner so we could put the kids to bed at a decent time. Who wants to drive almost 3hrs with 2 crabby kids? not me. She turned her nose up until dh said we would be leaving arond 8 or 9pm whether they come with us or not. She begrudgingly changed her mind. Aren't the holidays are great, lol.
My suggested compromise: Invite the families for appetizers and dessert in the late afternoon. You still get to have most of your day to yourselves, your son still gets to stay home and play with his new toys, and your husband and ILs get to have some of the family time that they want. Plus, you don't have to make dinner so you don't have to spend half the day in the kitchen.
So... don't hang your arguement to hard on "they'll see him the weekend before".
HOWEVER - as you are open to having them over on Christmas Day, I'm 100% w/ you. They don't HAVE to spend the night and be there that morning.
This is the compromise part. You're open to sharing the day w/ others, but you want the morning for just you all. I think that's totally reasonable.
Again, your IL's aren't going to keel over and die because they aren't there that morning. They do not "need" to be there. They simply don't.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wouldn't be up for the overnight. They can come over later in the day on Christmas and I think that's a perfectly reasonable compromise.
Both sets of grandparents are more than 1,000 miles away in our case, so it isn't an issue. For DD1's first Christmas, we travelled back home and did see both sets of grandparents (it worked out b/c DH's family does a big Christmas Eve and my family does a big Christmas Day). Since then, my parents have come to visit us sometime in December and we celebrate with them. (They're arriving Thursday!) They are never here on the 25th -- they like to be home so they can start driving to their place in FL on the 26th.
But when I was growing up and all our extended family was nearby, Christmas morning was still reserved for (for lack of a better term) nuclear family -- mom, dad and kids. Both sets of grandparents had a little celebration with aunts/uncles/cousins at their homes within a week or so before Christmas. All the families did their own thing Christmas morning. Eventually it evolved that my parents hosted a casual, late Christmas morning brunch so that people could meander in after opening presents, get some food and see each other, then head home again so the kids could get more playtime with their new stuff.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
I wouldn't be up for the overnight. They can come over later in the day on Christmas and I think that's a perfectly reasonable compromise.
Both sets of grandparents are more than 1,000 miles away in our case, so it isn't an issue. For DD1's first Christmas, we travelled back home and did see both sets of grandparents (it worked out b/c DH's family does a big Christmas Eve and my family does a big Christmas Day). Since then, my parents have come to visit us sometime in December and we celebrate with them. (They're arriving Thursday!) They are never here on the 25th -- they like to be home so they can start driving to their place in FL on the 26th.
But when I was growing up and all our extended family was nearby, Christmas morning was still reserved for (for lack of a better term) nuclear family -- mom, dad and kids. Both sets of grandparents had a little celebration with aunts/uncles/cousins at their homes within a week or so before Christmas. All the families did their own thing Christmas morning. Eventually it evolved that my parents hosted a casual, late Christmas morning brunch so that people could meander in after opening presents, get some food and see each other, then head home again so the kids could get more playtime with their new stuff.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
I'll be honest. I find it odd that you would spend the entire day without family when you live relatively close by. I guess I just grew up spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my entire extended family so it's what I am used to. Most of the fun was playing with my cousins and sharing our toys and spending time with aunts, uncles and grandparents.
However, if you like to be alone, no, I don't think you are obligated to have to see family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. As part of a family though, I think it's nice to try and find a solution that makes everyone happy at the holidays. I like pps ideas of a late afternoon get together at your place. It gives you time as a family, time to do your own traditions but also lets extended family be part of your LO's holiday experience as well.
I love spending holidays with extended family. I have really fond memories of my own grandparents celebrating Christmas with me, nothing beats that in my mind.
Our parents are really understanding of our time. My in-laws alternate Christmas with us and DH's sister and her family. This seems to be working.
We'll wake up and have some quiet time just the three of us on Christmas morning. But Christmas Eve (also DD's bday) and Christmas day afternoon and evening will be full of family and close friends. We love it that way. In my mind the 26th will be a quiet day at home
To each their own. You have to do what works for your family. I like the suggesitons of offering to host something in your home on Christmas afternoon.
When I was a child, we never saw our extended family on Christmas because they lived in another state. It was still great. We got to play with our new toys, watch Christmas movies and my mom made a big breakfast. Even when we did move back ot my parent's home state, we only saw my extended family for Christmas Dinner. My parents believed that Christmas morning was sacred and should be kept for just our immediate family. Now that I am married and have my own child, we do the same thing. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is just us and we see my family later in the afternoon.
Now if my mom or dad was widowed I suppose we could have them over for Christmas morning. However, for now my husband and I want the Christmas morning experience to be just us.
My situation is a bit different though. I am the oldest of 7 kids and have 1 of 2 grandchildren. I also have younger siblings still living at home. When my parents have an empty nest, I suppose I will talk to my siblings and see what we will do. However my Dh's feelings on the matter will come first, if he says no, that means no.
I think your compromise is great. His mom does not have to be there to see the stocking and Santa stuff. I really do think that should be a more intimate experience for families.
I agree with all of this.
I can see wanting to wake up on Christmas morning with just the 3 of you and having some time for just your family, but to not "allow" the grandparents to see you at all on Christmas, even if they drive to your house, just seems to be a little much.
For comparison, we are willingly driving 12 hours on the 23rd to be with all of my family in Virginia to spend Christmas. I am ecstatic!
Logan David 03.27.08
Jacob Riley 05.18.09
{Member since 2007}
For DS's first Christmas, we were hosting Christmas dinner for DH's entire family and my parents, siblings and grandparents were invited as well. Since we were going to be spending most of the day getting everything ready and then having everyone over that night, I didn't want to go anywhere Christmas morning. My parents insisted on having "alone" time with DS and couldn't just come over a little early that evening--they wanted to come over in the middle of all the cooking and party-prep Christmas afternoon (and then come back to our house that evening, which I thought was stupid). It led to my mom screaming at me on the phone, hanging up on me, then not coming to our house at all.
So, yeah, holidays are hard.
Now we invite my MIL over for Christmas morning (which I'm not thrilled about, but she lives alone), we go over to my parents' house sometime before DS takes a nap and then we go to DH's uncle's house for the rest of his family for Christmas dinner. Christmas Eve DS and I go to church with my parents and then out to dinner since DH almost always has to work. It's not the most running around we've ever done and it's not the Christmas morning at home that I wanted, but it means not having to be screamed at Christmas day.
In your case, I think saying Christmas morning is just you guys, and then they can come over in the afternoon/evening is just fine. Or you give them Christmas Eve, and keep Christmas morning for you guys. I don't think you can say the whole holiday is off limits though.
We have a rotation. Because my parents divorced, I have 2 "sides" to deal with, and DH has his family, so that's 3. Sometimes we try to see 2 families over Christmas, but it's a lot of driving for us (everyone is about 4 hours away, but not the same direction). I am insisting, starting next year, that we put ourselves in the rotation, so I'll be hosting Christmas and my mom and DH's family will come to us. So nobody gets us every year, more like every other. We alternate Thanksgiving's too. It's not ideal, but it's what we do because we want Oliver to be around a lot of family for the holidays, as well as have our own traditions.
Holidays are tough. We live veryyy close (same town) as my family and within an hour of the rest of our extended family. Sometimes I just feel overloaded! My husband reeeeeeally wants all day with just us (and I do, too!) but unfortunately, it's just not happenin'. Well, not without people getting angry! We're going to my grandmom's for brunch and my dad invited himself to stay over Christmas Eve.. we reluctantly agreed because my parents are divorcing. We used to run around like crazy people on Christmas Eve seeing DH's family but we had "Christmas" yesterday with them - so nice to not be worrying about running around!
Family stuff can really be a pain. Sometimes I just want to be left alone but I don't foresee that in my future. Merry Christmas and try to make the best of it!
Noel - August 2010
Crazy about Christmas? Check out our blog!
My good, old, rarely-updated toddler food blog
Thanks for the comments and suggestions ladies! This post got this board chatting in a way that it hasn't for awhile!
Just wanted to add that this all isn't an argument or a big fight for DH and I... it's something that comes up because in the future (when inlaws don't travel to the family holiday party) we know things might change.
Like I have always told DH I am happy to host something Christmas Eve or later Christmas Day. I am sure that we will eventually do that. SO that our family morning isn't rushed, we have a quiet holiday together (important to me), etc. We see extended family SO often that I don't feel bad in the least asking for the morning alone.
Now... I was just chatting with my sister who was telling me that she asked her DH to ask about moving his family's holiday party one hour earlier on Christmas Eve so that her family could go to the Christmas Eve Mass that she really enjoys, and after 15 years of going to this party and foregoing the mass she has wanted to go to, her DH said no way, he wouldn't even ask his family to move it an hour. Yes... the holidays are hard. There are lots of people to please and see and celebrate with and compromise is key! And to me..... Christmas Eve mass is a great way to celebrate the reason for the season so if anything should be accommodated... it should be that. Feel free to debate that one too!
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
I totally agree with this. I understand having family time but for us part of the joy of Christmas is being with family and seeing how much fun our parents have with our son, and vice-versa. If it is in our house then we still do things our way, and celebrate how we want it, but having extra family around doesn't diminish it in any way.
No, they don't have to see them that day. I agree with you. You just need to convince DH.
There is nothing more exciting for the holidays than be forced like a puppet to be among a lot of people all of the time. You may have favorites, you aren't playing them, you just want some space. I personally don't see anything wrong with that.
DH and I disagree on this one as well, but our situation is a bit different as both sets of grandparents live out of state (different states). We have agreed that Christmas Day is spent alone with our kids - no traveling, no visitors. I feel VERY strongly about it. We celebrate Christmas with one family at Thanksgiving and the other at New Years (we rotate who gets which each year).
This time of year is so incredibly busy that I want ONE day that is just about celebrating as a family. It's a double day for us since it is also DD1's birthday. It really helps slow down the chaotic feelings of the holidays.
(m/c 1.17.07, m/c 5.15.07)
DS - 03.15.08
DD2 - 12.03.09
DD3 - 3.28.11
Thanks AGAIN for all the chatter on this subject. Again, I don't want to come across as Scrooge and think that some people only read parts of posts... I am opposed to my inlaws (or my parents) being here Christmas even night and into Christmas Day. It's not that I am excluding them from their grandchildren for the whole holiday. It's hard to balance my two parents and inlaws plus we still have 3 extended family Christmases as well. I am simply hoping to continue to be able to watch my children on Christmas morning in our home quiet home before we invite guests over.
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
Sorry, I missed your original point. I agree with that and want the same.
Personally, if everyone was willing to come here, I would welcome them all. While it can be a pain in the bum sometimes, I have just reached a point where I now realize that the grandparents won't be around forever. And we see them rarely bc they live so far away.
However, what they (both sets) prefer is for us to go there. The drive SUCKS and trying to cram both families into a couple of days off is awful. That is why this winter I am sort of happy that DH is on call so that we have an excuse to stay home.
In short, I would have no problem welcoming them to my home on Christmas day if that is what they want.