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MissMex
member
so in other news, I can drink again...
MissMex
member
I've written this post a couple times. there is my sad version, my angry version, and now the "my pain meeds have run out" version. I also didn't want to be a downer when we have had a week full of especially good news for all of us. But I also need to write this out & get it overwith. I's probably more appropriate for a blog, but I don't really do that, hell you guys are my blog anyway.
Warning. my language is not censored in this post. I didn't write this for my grandma. It's brutally honest and very fresh.
I may DD, but right now I needed to talk to you and tell you how I'm feeling because I've felt so empty with out all of you for the past few days.
A miscarriage funk!ng sucks.emotionally, physically. I think I am finally starting to go through the emotions of this, instead of the numb drug induced feelings I've had since friday.
My original plan was to write everything that happened down to every detail. Put in in my journal. and be done with the whole effing mess. I was pretty much done with the whole journal entry by Saturday night and was even starting to get excited about going to disney on Monday with Kim & Ashley.
I don't know if I can even process all of my emotions right now. there are so many, but I can try and tell you what I remember, and how I am feeling things out right now.
I woke up bleeding on Friday morning, went to the ER by my house. The u/s confirmed a blighted ovum. Since the baby was gone, I got a lot of morphine. My doctor wanted me up in Newport to do the d & c himself at the hospital surgery center.
By Sunday was feeling a little normal again. Steve was out, and my mom took my Dad and the Baby out for a while, so I could stay at home and rest. The rest is very hazy. My mom said I called her screaming in pain, saying that I had cramps, and that there was blood everywhere. She came home, grabbed our neighbor, who is a RN and found me in the bathroom, laying in a pool of blood passed out. They called 911, the paramedics came and took me to the hospital. Steve got home as they were getting there, but they wouldn't let him near me until they loaded me in the ambulance. I was having contractions and screaming in pain, but they couldn't get an IV started because stupid me was nice enough to let the paramedic interns practice drawing blood on me on friday. Since I couldn't tell them this, I'm sure they thought they were track marks, and I was just some junkie. I had to stay at the hospital for a few hours until my vitals went back to normal and I finished a couple of bags of fluids, but they were super nice, and let me have a private room. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor, appears that there was some tissue that was left behind after the procedure.
The ER physician said it would be 4 or 5 cycles before we could start trying again. After doing some googling I have a different idea of when we can start again, but i'll have to see what my OB says next week.
I am trying to look at the positives in this. So far I have found two- I am glad this happened in December. Christmas is my favorite holiday and always was a magical time for me growing up. I'm not about to let this take that from Elizabeth. Also if it had happened in March, I would probably be drunk right now. The second is Elizabeth. She is helping me bounce back faster than I ever thought possible. I don't remember much about Sunday, other than this intense fear something might take me from her.I feel so lucky that I have her.
I have a lot of anger right now, mostly with myself. i wish that I had listened to my gut. I didn't. I knew something was wrong, and I should have gone with that feeling. I think this is going to drastically change the kind of patient I am, but so what.
I don't know how I can express how much you girls mean to me. This year has just been plain sh!tty for me, especially the last few months of it. I don't have much support in other places and there are some days, especially this week, that I wouldn't have been able to get through it without you. Most of my friends are just starting to entertain the idea of marriage, let alone kids, so while they are wonderful amazing people, they just don't get it. One of my girlfriends asked me flat out "don't you have to have a couple miscarriages before you can get pregnant?" what the hell do you say to that? I haven't had much success in my moms group because I'm so painfully shy, so in so many ways you ladies are it for me. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. Especially Marelina, Sarah, Natalee and Shannon. And Thank you for giving me a good reason to get out of the house today Kim.
I had sushi for dinner tonight and I am going to try to go to a dinner party tomorrow night. I going to drink more than 1/2 a glass of good wine and enjoy the hell out of it, I may take a shot, I might even have 2.This sucks balls, but i'm going to be ok.
K+S 9.18.9 | DD #1 age 2 | PG # 5 EDD 9.17.12
This discussion has been closed.
Re: so in other news, I can drink again...
Katy and Brett ~ Runaway Bay, Jamaica ~ October 4, 2008
As you know, I just wish that I could do more for you. I'm always here for you, even though it has to be through a phone call and not in person
I know that Elizabeth will have a little brother or sister soon. You have so much love to give so it just has to be shared with more little ones.
As hard as it will be, try to enjoy E's first Christmas. And do so with a big glass of wine because you deserve it.
We are all here for you. As always you know you can vent anytime you need to.
I'm very sorry for your loss, Krissy.
Oh...and I forgot to add...about your friends...I found that a lot of people don't understand the pain because it was not a "live baby" in their minds or they just don't know what to say. When I told my sister that we lost our baby she didn't even acknowledge it and went on to explain me in detail how she got pregnant with her youngest and when to have sex to increase chances for a girl...WTF?! I just came to terms with the realization that they just don't know and hopefully will never know how does it feel to loose a child you wanted so much.
Krissie, that is just tragic. I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
Let me know if you want me to send you something fab from NorCal.
Krissie - my heart breaks for you. I know your pain - and while you will learn to live with the sadness, you never "get over it".
Hugs to you.... you will be ok... and we will always be here for you! xoxo
Started TTC Nov. 2011
1st clomid cycle June 2012- No response :: HSG August 2012- Left tube blocked, right tube clear :: 2nd clomid cycle Aug. 2012 BFN :: 3rd clomid cycle Sept. 2012 :: BFP Sept 30th :: DS born 6/15/13 :: BFP #2 7/29/14 M/C 8/5/14 :: BFP#3 10/20/14 DD born 7/1/2015 :: Applied to be surrogate April '17 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for IFs Dec. '17 :: Surro Babe born 9/11/18 :: Started 2nd Journey May '19 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for new IFs 9/24/19 :: HB 138 at 6w6d
I'm so so very sorry, Krissie. I want you to know that if you want me to be, I'm totally here for you. I am glad you are finding things to look forward to, it's so hard to do. It's likely your OB will have a better answer for you about when to try again...definitely ask.
Also, please don't feel like you have to be over it right away. Because you won't be. It's just not possible. Some people around me were pushing me to "forget about it" or be over it before I could even feel like breathing again. You don't get over it. You find a way to move on from it, but it's probably always going to be with you.
((Big hugs))
This. Times a thousand. Especially the bolded part. I haven't shared with many people, but I had a miscarriage a few months after we got engaged. It hurts a little bit less every day, but I still carry it with me. And I probably always will.
I'm so sorry Krissie. Tons and tons of ((hugs)). We are always here for you if you need anything. xo
I survived the RoLex wedding and all I got was this lousy husband.
One&Only Palmilla - Los Cabos, Mexico
{planning bio} {married bio} {baby blog}
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I know I can't even begin to understand the pain and hurt that you've been through, but I am glad to hear that you are feeling better and are at least healing physically. I know the emotional part takes much longer.
Enjoy yourself at the dinner party - you really deserve it. And I know you know how badly I wish I was there to just hang out with you. Miss you and E!
THere are no words.
As I said before - I am here..if you need anything at all..
*Hugs*
נשמה שבאה לעולם למספר חודשים לשהות במעי האם, היא נשמת צדיק גמור שבאה לעולם רק לתקן פגם קטן ולאחר מספר חודשים אלו היא שבה למקומה לגן עדן להתענג על ה'. לעתיד לבוא נשמה זו תוכר באחד מבנייך ובזכות נשמת צדיק זה תזכי להיות במחיצת צדיקים
TTC Since September 2011
BFP#1:Dec.1.11 EDD:Aug.09.12 MC:Jan.11.12 (9WK5D)-Natural
BFP#2:Apr.18.12 EDD:Dec.21.12 MC:May.1.12 (6WK3D)-D&C
BFP#3:Sep.12.12 - Suspected CP | BFP#4:Dec.1.12 - Suspected CP
BFP#5: Dec.26.12 EDD:Sep.10.13 MC:Jan.7.13 (4WK6D)-Natural
BFP#6: Jun.11.13 EDD:Feb.23.13 Beta: #1=8000 #2=24532 US@6wk2d showed 7wk2d size with 143BPM HR * NT US@12wk6d looked good. A/S passed with flying colors and our team color is Blue! *Grow my little Pamplemousse*!!!
Ashley & Josh ~ The Reef Resort ~ Grand Cayman~ May 15th 2010
Meghan and Jonny- Puerto Vallarta, Mexico - May 1, 2010
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tte03a3.aspx[/img]
Planning Bio Married Bio *Work In Progress*
Formerly Knottie Soon2beMrs.G_09