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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
IEtoLA
member
Am I overreacting? kind of a vent
IEtoLA
member
FIL texted DH last week that he wanted to talk to him the next time we visited. DH's side lives about 80 miles away and the only way we see them is if we drive out there to visit his grandmother. The ILs are divorced and they both make no effort ot visit. We only drive out there because we take DD to see DHs grandmother, who DH is close to. We had planned on taking his grandmother out to breakfast on Sunday so I told DH, it's probably better that he find out what FIL wants to talk about before we go because FIL is not level headed and is easily set off. So FIL told DH that he didn't want to talk about it over the phone, but he didn't want me around. I thought no big deal because the first thing that came to mind was it being about his grandmother and her health (she has been very sick lately) and I don't want to interfere with that.
Well then last night DH tells me that FIL wants to talk because he wants to be more involved in our lives now that DD is here. This irritated me because first off if he wanted to be more involved in our lives, he would have shown up for Thanksgiving like he said he was instead of backing out and not even calling us last minute. Secondly, if he wants to be more invovled, why would he exclude me from the conversation? DH and I have finally come to the point where DD and I come first, not everyone else. The problem was them excluding me from events, ignoring me, etc in the past. My family is very close and DH has been included in pretty much everything and when my family has something to speak up about, DH is there and not excluded because he's my family and I would share everything with him anyway.
Am I overreacting about this? Would you be upset? I understand there are times where I talk to my parents about stuff or do things with my family and DH is not invovled, but that is because he's out or busy doing his own thing and not because he's excluded. I just feel like they are constantly excluding me.
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Re: Am I overreacting? kind of a vent
I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be upset too. You are a family so when it comes to discussing family things you have the right to be involved. If your FIL wants to be more involved with YOUR family than YOU need to be involved period end of story.
I don't understand why must some people(FIL) feel that they need to exclude people(you) when in directly involves them (you).
I would talk to DH and let him know how you feel and hopefully he will understand where you are coming from and tell his father that when it comes to being involved with your family that everyone is involved in the conversation.
Good luck!
My initial reaction response would be to say yes. Here is a man that hasn't been part of your lives for a while and now he wants to. I would expect some sort of uneasiness on your FIL's part to talk to your DH with you around...considering the fact that your FIL is aware you do not like him much.
Just because your family is open with you and your DH does not mean your DH's family should be. This is a lesson I learnt in the very early stages of my marriage and it took some time to understand that families communicate differently and not everyone works the same way.
If you really want your FIL to be part of your lives, I would stop nit-picking on what he did before or how he communicated now and let him enter your lives with a positive note. You guys would drive him away farther with asking him apologies or explanations (not that you are) for things gone by. Watch what he has to say, how he wants to be more involved in your lives and once you all reach a comfortable pace, may be you could be more open with him about your feelings of being left our from their family gatherings before and let him know it hurts you.
I TOTALLY get your concern. Totally. But this may be him taking a first step towards making an effort. Something may have happened in his life that made him have a wake-up call.
And also ditto July that your fmaily communicates the way you do, that doesn't mean his family has to do the same. As you have had a rocky relationship in the past, he may feel more comfortable talking to your DH one on one about this to test the waters.
BUT - I think your DH needs to lay some ground rules w/ his dad. If he wants to be invovled, then you all will make the effort to make that happen. But if he starts to pull what he did on Thanksgiving and just bails for no reason... then you all aren't goign to be as willing to work w/ him.
He needs to show a real effort and he also needs to understand that you all will only do what you are comfortable with. As in, if you don't feel comfortable actually leaving DD alone w/ him, then his involvement isn't going to be babysitting for you all!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am not against him being invovled in our lives at all. I wish the ILs were more invovled. I have been with DH for over 10 years now. While I don't always like the way FIL treats everyone, he doesn't hide anything and has always tried off and on. MIL is an entirely different issue. I have always invited DH's family to everything we do, even before DD was born. Once she was born we told them they can come and visit as often as they like because we knew that we weren't going to be the ones to always drive out to visit them. I just feel like one of the PPs said, that if he wants to be around more and have a better relationship with us, that involves me so shouldn't I be there?