Would you be mad...(long)

tashaobrien · December 2010

...if your mom told you to stop doing all of these tests and just relax? My mom is the last person I expected to hear this from since she had a loss at 20 weeks right before she had my younger sister.

Even though I'm mostly a lurker, it's been a while since I've been on here (super bz at work). But, I need your advice. So, here's a little refresher of our situation. DH and I lost our 1st LO at 16w and the the 2nd back in Oct at 14w. My OB suggested we see a repro specialist which we've met with once. They did the initial tests (sono, cervical cultures, blood work, reviewed medical records from both losses, etc) and found nothing too unusual. So, he suggested I make an appt to have an SHG to make sure my ute was clear and nothing was still in there from the previous pregnancies. The SHG was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving which I had to cancel bc I had to work late. Since it has to be done between the day after AF has end, but before O, we were out for last month.

Fast forward to last night: Now that AF is back, I mentioned to my mom last night that I need to call the Dr today to make the new appt. She then proceeds to say "I don't think you should do anymore tests. You just need to relax and let nature take its course. Everything will be ok if you stop stressing yourself out." So, I told her relaxing is much easier that it sounds. You don't just push the fact that you've had 2 2nd tri m/c out of your head when you become pg again. It's human nature to worry in a situation like that or am I not human? It totally blew up into a screaming match which I never get into with my mom and at that point I told her I didn't feel like talking anymore.

So, my question is did I overreact?

Thanks for letting me rant!!!

hopefulelise · December 2010

I hate it when people say that. It boils my blood, grr! I'm sorry it had to be your mom. I don't think you overreacted, I would feel the same way if it was my mom.

jinx75 · December 2010

No you did not overreact, you've lost two precious babies in the 2nd trimester and you're taking control of your fertility and making sure that your body is ok. What's wrong with that? Why does that mean you're stressing out?! It means you love yourself enough to take care of yourself and you love your future take home baby enough to make sure that their temporary home in your uterus is compatible with carrying them. GEEZUS I am so sick of people telling us to "relax!!!" Maybe we would relax if we had the SUPPORT we needed from the people IRL who are supposed to be there for us?!

Ok sorry, maybe I overreated but this hit a nerve because I was talking to my own mom yesterday and telling her that I was invited to go visit a residential care facility full of pregnant teens and I turned it down because I am still grieiving the m/c (in Sept) and her reply was "maybe it's be helpful to get outside of yourself and do something for someone else for a change." Yeah that didn't go over so well with me.

So no you did not overreact and I am sorry that your mom is being so insensitive.

TeacherVicky · December 2010

I'm so sorry. Mom's can be so difficult when they probably truly believe they are helping.

While my losses are not similar to yours and I can't even get my doctor to run blood tests to check for problems, I have been charting and using OPK's since my first loss. My mom tells me every chance she gets to stop doing all of it and to just relax. She tells me I am causing myself too much stress.

It is very frustrating. I don't think you overreacted. It's probably a good thing that you were able to end the argument by telling her you didn't want to talk anymore. Maybe another time you could calmly tell her that while she doesn't have to agree with the things that are being done, she can also keep those opinions private as they are your decision to make.

((Hugs))

bryanandkatrina · December 2010

It really does bother me when people say that, and I know a lot of the ladies here feel the same way. It can be very frustrating.

Most of the time, those types of comments come from people who just don't understand and have never been in this situation. However, in the case of your mother I would probably attribute it to a generational thing. I have found that people of our parent's and grandparent's generations (even those who have experienced loss themselves) have the "just relax and it will happen" mentality.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.

Temp774929562501329 · December 2010

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure your mom is just worried about you. I don't think you overreacted... All you want is your family's support. I hope your test comes back normal! GL

LilMaggs · December 2010

I am so sorry she said that to you

*hugs* I don't think you overreacted at all. Bottom line is this: your medical PROFESSIONAL deemed the test necessary. Who is she to say otherwise?

butterfly843 · December 2010

I would still keep up with the testing, maybe not tell her about all of it so she won't keep telling you to relax. I hate when people tell me to just relax.

Nicks10 · December 2010

I don't think you overreacted. Two 2nd tri losses must have been so hard for you, and I would be looking for answers too. I'm sorry it had to be your mom who said that though, it sucks, especially when it comes from someone you think is the last person you'd have to worry about saying it. I find myself filtering how much I tell my family about tests I'm doing or doctors I see though, because I don't feel like having to explain myself to them.

Tapatio · December 2010

I don't believe you overreacted. I think it's only normal to want testing and answers for your 2nd tri losses. It's incredibly annoying (and even hurtful) when people just say to "relax." Especially if it's coming from your mother. I'm sure all you want is her support. I would avoid talking to her about your doc visits until things cool down a bit.

ravenorchid · December 2010

You didn't overreact at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I hate it when people say that. It's as if they don't realize that there can be actual issues. When we were first trying, I "just relaxed" for 7 mos. Then I started charting and taking my temp everyday and found that I O'ed late. Thereby adjusting my FWP time and getting a BFP 3 mos later. If I had just relaxed, I would have never gotten pregnant.

ColleenS629 · December 2010

You definitely did not overreact. Your mom needs a newsflash... relaxing doesn't = an automatic and successful pregnancy.

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