Need help coping with my emotions

cameronk · December 2010

I have been lurking here after my miscarriage and think it is time for me to post and get some feelings out. This is such an incredibly strong and supportive group of women and I really feel like unless someone else has been through a lost pregnancy, they cannot comfort you or sympathize with your loss the way another women who has dealt with a loss can.

My story is way less painful than the late loss stories, my heart just sinks everytime I hear of a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss. I went in for my sonogram at 9 weeks on October 6th ( I was charting temps and ovulation so I knew my dates pretty solid). There was only a big empty sac (blighted ovum the doc said) with a lot of blood / placenta, etc. I had a D& C the next day, then hemorrhaged at work a week later and had to go to the ER where they perfomed another surgery.

Even though my husband and I were shocked, shattered, and disappointed that day, I felt like he quiclkly got over it and I am still struggling with it 2 months later. My sister-in-law, and two best girlfriends are all pregnant so I think that is a daiy reminder of where I was supposed to be. A close friend of mine makes custom jewelry, and I asked her to make me a small necklace with litle wings to help me memorialize the baby I never got to hold or meet. It came in the mail this week, and when I showed it to my husband, I got all choked up explaining to him what this necklace means to me, like I still get to have a little reminder of my baby with me when I wear it. He hugged me real tight and tried to comfort me, but then said he was really confused. He asked why I feel like I lost an actualy baby? The baby never grew, there was nothing in the sac, there was no baby!

So, now I feel like an idiot for grieving so much, to imagine the pain other women feel when they saw little hands, and feet, and faces, and hearbeats on the sonograms, and then lost them. Does anyone else who lost the pregnancy in the first few weeks feel like they didn't lose a baby, just cells stopped mutliplying??? I am having a hard time looking at it that way, I am a mother to a 3 year old, and felt like a mother the day I saw a positive line on the pregnancy test for my next pregnancy.

hmclaughlin10 · December 2010

I am so sorry about your loss. I don't think anyone understands what we go through unless they have been through it themselves.

I think you have absolutely EVERY right to grieve this baby. You took the pregnancy test and it came back positive. You were pregnant. Regardless of what happened to the baby during the next weeks, you felt in your heart that you were carrying a baby around with you. You cared for the baby and you took care of yourself so that you could potentially have a healthy baby. Though it ended up that the baby didn't develop doesn't mean anything. My baby was showing 6w when I was 10w3d. No matter how far along you are, I don't think it makes it any easier. My thoughts & prayers are with you during this time. May you have strength to get through this very difficult challenge in your life.

DLo81 · December 2010

I have had 3 miscarriages. One of them being a blighted ovum. I would say that all three were equally as devastating. The worst part about the blighted ovum was when I explained it to a friend she said "so there never was a baby?" I was grieving the loss of a baby I had hoped for and dreamed of and some never recognized it as a loss. You were still pregnant. That was still a loss. You have a right to be upset. I am sorry for your loss. You have an angel in heaven.

fireflies0306 · December 2010

Coming from someone whose baby died at 21 1/2 weeks (about)...you absolutely have a right to grieve. i heard somewhere that we become mothers again and again every time we confirm we are pregnant. it starts from that first moment. I can say that while I don't know how I would be grieving differently if my baby had died sooner, i know that this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through, and don't know if i'll ever be myself again. at the least, it forced me to appreciate the delicate value of the lo's we carry for nine months, and that there is no "safe" zone (i always believed if you made it to 12 weeks then we were safe). allow yourself to grieve and share on this board--everyone is completely supportive, and i know until i find a support group this has helped me through some very dark days!

jpeazybreezy · December 2010

Of course there was a baby! How could you have a sac and placenta without there having been an embryo as well! I had a blighted ovum as well, and for the 7w3d before I found out about it, I was pregnant. Not with a bunch of cells, but with a very human life, (which might I add is really nothing but a bunch of cells when you think about it). I agree that not having seen anything is a little less difficult than if we'd heard a heartbeat or seen little hands or feet, but I was still pregnant and I still mourn that loss.

Every one grieves differently, and only you know how long is too long. If you're not ready to let go of the hurt or anger, then it's not time yet. You alone will know when that period has ended and healing can begin. Unfortunatly, many people don't understand that from the moment you see that second line, you are a mommy. You have a baby growing inside of you and you feel a connection to lo, no matter how far along you are.

There was a baby, don't let anyone make you think any different. You mourn this loss for as long as you need, don't let anyone take that away from you.

malindasuern · December 2010

first of all im so sorry for your loss. you have every right to grieve. i have discovered men just cope differently then we do. i was a little over eight weeks and all we saw was what the doc called a deformed gestational sac and yolk sac. am i still a mother. i think yes. i loved that baby the moment i saw the positive hpt. dont feel stupid for grieving. u have every right to. i think the necklace is a wonderful idea. sorry there is no caps. my phone hates me sometimes.

dana1318a · December 2010

I am so, so sorry for your loss. And you have every right to grieve. It's hard for someone who hasn't been pregnant to understand how quickly you bond and fall in love with your baby. And it's even hard for someone who has never miscarried to truly appreciate how strong that bond can be. I feel like they almost forget how much they loved their baby before he/she was born, because they begin to focus on their life, and memories of the feelings they experienced during pregnancy fade a little.

Please take all of the time you need, because if you don't your heart won't heal as well. And I think the necklace is a beautiful idea. ((hugs))

cameronk · December 2010

Thank you ALL so much for your kind words and support, it means the world to me to not feel alone in this grief. You have so much insight that no one else around me has because they've never experienced it. This month is better than last month, and I am hoping every month will get a little easier and that my miscarriage will be a memory but not a daily obstacle to overcome. Best of luck to all of you in your next pregnancies.

mkwt · December 2010

I am late in responding, but hope you still read it. I was early too when I miscarried, the worst thing I had to over come was that there was never a baby in there, I did not even get the opportunity to see it. While that is some comfort there was never heartbeat, it still hurts!! As for my DH, he is a quiet type anyway, and he literally showed me no emotion at all! I was having a rough time a few days after my D&C and he got the brunt of my pain. I asked him if he was even sad about it, he looked at me strange, and was like of course I am upset and sad!!! I honestly think that guys just don't express their feelings like us, I cry and he just holds it in. I have tried to talk to him about the loss and he is not comfortable talking about it. I can say that this board has helped me alot. Just knowing that what I am feeling is completely normal! I think about it this way....he did not have sore boobs, the upset tummy, and the other stuff!

cameronk · December 2010

Thanks for your input, mkwt. You're right, I think my husband has no physical connection to the pregnancy, like I did. He didn't have to go through 2 surgeries (even though he was by my side at the hospital) and bleed for 2 weeks, etc. It is hard for him to feel like he lost the same thing that I lost. I felt like I lost a baby, he feels like he lost the plan of our next baby. He was upset too, but nowhere near as upset as I was.

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