I need to ask you ladies?

JulsW · December 2010

I need to ask you ladies after becoming aware of the fact that some of you are so hurt by me being on this board and my being a chick with two kids and wanting another. Do I really whine that much? I think that I just discuss cycles and other relevant things. Sure I am scared it won't happen AGAIN, but I have had my struggles too, you know, I am NOT and FH and never have been. It has been work all three times. I also lost a baby. I try and do my best to support here. Would it be better if I took the two kids picture out of my siggy as to not remind you of what I am proud of? I try so hard to fit in here and be accepted. So what would help you all to not be hurt by my being here?

CakesABake · December 2010

Hmm I cannot speak for others but I kind of get jealous at times when I see ladies on here with siggy pics of kids. I lost my first and only child and I am hoping to get pregnant soon, and it is hard. However, I am also not numb to the fact that some people already have children and may have trouble having more.

I would be happy to just get pregnant go full term and have my baby! Idk some days are easier than others on this board.

I don't think that people who already have children should be as stressed or whiny and people in my position, but I am not mad you are on here or anything.

Did that make sense? Smile

AutumnLeavesFall · December 2010

I'm going to be as honest as I can.

And this is no way directed at you or anyone else, it's a general statement by me about this situation.

Yes it sucks. I see mothers who have 1 or 2 kids and they complain that they are struggling to have #2 or #3. When ALOT of us on the board are still struggling to concieve #1.

Not saying the child you lost is no loved or less of anything, I am not saying that. But viewed in my eyes that if you never had #2 or #3 you still have the other children to fill your heart. (Minus the other hole from the loss)

That being said I don't think you need to take your pictures out of your post, as those are whom you are proud of and which you should be.

But look at it from the other side of the fence also, how would you feel to lose and struggle and have no living children and constantly hearing other woman hurt because #2 -#3 is taking so long.

Again no way am I pointing this at you, as I said it's a general statement of how I took the Flame Free Confession.

CashewsMommy · December 2010

Oh hun!!! I don't think anyone is hurt by you!!!!

I think the FFC yesterday was toward people in general who complain that they are not pregnant when they already have a duggar load full of kids. I don't think anyone on this board ever complains about that... i took it as more of a people in RL do that.

Keep those kids in the siggy!!! They're beautiful!!! I think you do fit in here and are accepted. I wouldn't have thought otherwise at all about you.

A loss is a loss.. and TTC your 1st or your 7th.. it doesn't matter!!

(((((hugs)))))

Don't change a thing.

RunSchwartzRun · December 2010

Obviously because I have a living child it doesn't hurt me at all and I am sorry if you don't feel welcome.

I try to look at those statements through a compassionate lens. As Autumn said, a lot of the ladies here are still trying for #1 and I completely get how that must seem way more traumatic than what those of us who already have children are struggling with. For my part I try to keep DS's pic out of my siggie or posts and try not to talk too much about him. While I don't necessarily agree that what we are going through isn't "as bad" as some others, I do recognize that it is different, and I can sympathize with where they are coming from. That said, I think it is only polite to keep what I have that they don't out of the conversation/public eye.

hopefulelise · December 2010

AutumnLeavesFall:
I'm going to be as honest as I can.
And this is no way directed at you or anyone else, it's a general statement by me about this situation.
Yes it sucks. I see mothers who have 1 or 2 kids and they complain that they are struggling to have #2 or #3. When ALOT of us on the board are still struggling to concieve #1.
Not saying the child you lost is no loved or less of anything, I am not saying that. But viewed in my eyes that if you never had #2 or #3 you still have the other children to fill your heart. (Minus the other hole from the loss)
That being said I don't think you need to take your pictures out of your post, as those are whom you are proud of and which you should be.
But look at it from the other side of the fence also, how would you feel to lose and struggle and have no living children and constantly hearing other woman hurt because #2 -#3 is taking so long.
Again no way am I pointing this at you, as I said it's a general statement of how I took the Flame Free Confession.

This is exactly how I feel to a T. Although I think I missed the initial post of what this is all about, I'm butting in Embarrassed It's nothing you should be ashamed about, or should feel you have to change.

Someone with at least one baby gets to experience delivery, being up all night feeding a baby, watching their child grow, whereas I have yet to experience any of that.

danie330 · December 2010

Do I get jealous that some people have children and I have none? Yes. Do I think the stress of TTCAL should be less for those people? Absolutely not. I think the pain of loss doesn't change depending on whether or not you already have children.

Honestly, there is always going to be pictures/sayings/posts that offend some. It's a public board. I definitely don't think you flaunt the fact that you have children. It's a simple siggy picture. I think I might feel differently if you came on and continuously posted about them. This wouldn't be the place for that. However, I've never seen you mention them. (Granted, I'm not on all the time, but I try & keep up.)

(FWIW - I like hearing stories about your kiddos, but you always send those to me privately - which is appropriate IMO.)

BabyTrippin · December 2010

Like I said yesterday, the sting for me is similar to the sting of someone else getting a BFP. It isn't your problem that it stings me, it is mine and mine alone. Now if every day you were talking about how your kids were awful and you were sick of having them around, that might make me want to flame the snot out of you. I honestly don't remember you ever whining about your kids, or really bringing them up much at all. If the picture of them (which is super cute btw) bothered me, I'd simply block it with adblockplus LOL!

I think sometimes, when people are hurting, lashing out at others who have what they want feels good. I'm guilty of doing it a lot in my head. That doesn't mean I don't like the person or wish I'd never see their face again or any of that. It just means that *I* am not in a good place at that moment and need to relieve some pain.

hopefulelise · December 2010

oops, I didn't get to finish my post! Anyway, a loss is a loss and we are all experiencing it together. Whether it's a first loss or a fifth one. I hope you don't feel like you are doing something wrong, we are all in this together!

christyjolee · December 2010

I'm not gonna lie. I am totally jealous of anyone with a child. Here, and IRL. However, that does not change the fact that you have experienced a loss and are TTC again. IMO you are totally welcome here.

inlovewithB · December 2010

christyjolee:
I'm not gonna lie. I am totally jealous of anyone with a child. Here, and IRL. However, that does not change the fact that you have experienced a loss and are TTC again. IMO you are totally welcome here.

This! You have never rubbed the fact that you have two healthy children in my face. The picture of your children is adorable.

ravenorchid · December 2010

Please keep your pictures and keep posting. You, or any of the other ladies with kids, have never hurt me by being on this board. You're perfectly welcome here! A loss is a loss.

That said, I can't deny feeling jealous of anyone who does have a child. It doesn't make your loss any less, but when I'm feeling sad one of the things I worry about is never being able to have a child. It's a possibility for me and it's something that I often think about.

But that's my problem. I think anyone with a loss who's trying to have another child is welcome here.

Izabella22 · December 2010

christyjolee:
I'm not gonna lie. I am totally jealous of anyone with a child. Here, and IRL. However, that does not change the fact that you have experienced a loss and are TTC again. IMO you are totally welcome here.

This exactly. Please don't take your pictures down and feel unwelcome, it is really just a different perspective and I don't think was really meant to diminish the loss of someone who already has a child. There are really only a couple of times I've even noticed posts about kids and if I'm in that mood where it might bug me I just don't click if it says "DS or DD". Which is most of the time lately b/c I'm very sensitive to it and envy anyone who has already gotten to experience motherhood. Doesn't mean I begrudge them it, sometimes I just need to b!tch about it.

LifeInANutshell · December 2010

I understand a loss is a loss is a loss... however, being without children is different than having children - its that simple.

la*bella*vita · December 2010

Juls, do you mind sharing what the original thread was that brought this topic up? I must of missed something.

You're children are beautiful & you should be proud of them. Those with LO's already certainly sting bc I am dealing with serious IF right now, and the thought of never having children is enough to drive me over the edge. But like other's have said, that is MY issue, not yours. No one should suffer a loss. We are all part of this crappy club. Please do not feel unwelcome.

Gummybear · December 2010

This is a slippery slope. I hate opening this can of worms. This is a similar conversation to whose loss is worse. My personal opinion on that would probably hurt feelings, just like this conversation hurts my feelings, which is why I keep it to myself, even in FFC.

Yes, I understand that I am a mother to a living child and that changes the pain I feel. BUT, having to explain to my daughter that she would no longer be a big sister, that her baby brother had died, THAT was the single most painful moment of my life. Seeing her tears, having to constantly answer her questions about where her brother was, why he died, and why we can't go to heaven and get him, over and over again, in front of strangers, in front of family, even now, 8 months later, it KILLS me. I mourn for what she lost, more than what I lost. I can't really explain it but I consider it her loss more than mine.

I understand why people fel the way they do, really, I do. We struggled to TTC DD. But the pain of losing a sibling for your child(ren) is just as raw, but in a different way.

Laurakat81 · December 2010

I think you are welcome here too. I also didn't see the original post. I think so log as we all recognize that we have had a loss and not try and compare whose loss was worse then there won't be any problem. And I haven't noticed any of that. Yes I can imagine having living children makes the situation DIFFERENT but not necessarily easier or harder. Everyone is going to handle things differently. Some women with kids are going to take their loss a million times harder than some women without any living children. We just don't know what people are going through unless we literally walk in their shoes. So yes, you are more than welcome, as are your kids!

JulsW · December 2010

Gummybear:

This is a slippery slope. I hate opening this can of worms. This is a similar conversation to whose loss is worse. My personal opinion on that would probably hurt feelings, just like this conversation hurts my feelings, which is why I keep it to myself, even in FFC.

Yes, I understand that I am a mother to a living child and that changes the pain I feel. BUT, having to explain to my daughter that she would no longer be a big sister, that her baby brother had died, THAT was the single most painful moment of my life. Seeing her tears, having to constantly answer her questions about where her brother was, why he died, and why we can't go to heaven and get him, over and over again, in front of strangers, in front of family, even now, 8 months later, it KILLS me. I mourn for what she lost, more than what I lost. I can't really explain it but I consider it her loss more than mine.

I understand why people fel the way they do, really, I do. We struggled to TTC DD. But the pain of losing a sibling for your child(ren) is just as raw, but in a different way.

I couldn't have said this better myself! That is a whole different kind of loss. I am right here with you. DD still asks me or will say things that just break my heart all over again. Thank you Gummy!

And thanks to all of you showing support. I think I will stick around, esp since babytrippin pointed out there aren't any other boards (that i can find anyways) with this amount of "get it" factor. I also changed my siggy pics, and for a brief moment had pics without my LOs in them, but afterall, I am very proud of them and want them included in my journey. IF it gets to be to much for others then i will reconsider, but as of now, from the pps I think I am ok. And i kept them small, so they wouldn't be so 'in your face" big!

Thanks again. Tears are flowing freely today! Damn AF!

ColleenS629 · December 2010

Gummybear:
This is a slippery slope. I hate opening this can of worms. This is a similar conversation to whose loss is worse. My personal opinion on that would probably hurt feelings, just like this conversation hurts my feelings, which is why I keep it to myself, even in FFC.
Yes, I understand that I am a mother to a living child and that changes the pain I feel. BUT, having to explain to my daughter that she would no longer be a big sister, that her baby brother had died, THAT was the single most painful moment of my life. Seeing her tears, having to constantly answer her questions about where her brother was, why he died, and why we can't go to heaven and get him, over and over again, in front of strangers, in front of family, even now, 8 months later, it KILLS me. I mourn for what she lost, more than what I lost. I can't really explain it but I consider it her loss more than mine.
I understand why people fel the way they do, really, I do. We struggled to TTC DD. But the pain of losing a sibling for your child(ren) is just as raw, but in a different way.

I don't think that anyone was saying that your loss wasn't as bad or that you shouldn't grieve that loss. I think they were saying that the possiblility of never having any children is "worse" than the possibility of never having another child. That was just my interpretation of what was said here and in the other thread.

CashewsMommy · December 2010

Gummybear:

This is a slippery slope. I hate opening this can of worms. This is a similar conversation to whose loss is worse. My personal opinion on that would probably hurt feelings, just like this conversation hurts my feelings, which is why I keep it to myself, even in FFC.

Yes, I understand that I am a mother to a living child and that changes the pain I feel. BUT, having to explain to my daughter that she would no longer be a big sister, that her baby brother had died, THAT was the single most painful moment of my life. Seeing her tears, having to constantly answer her questions about where her brother was, why he died, and why we can't go to heaven and get him, over and over again, in front of strangers, in front of family, even now, 8 months later, it KILLS me. I mourn for what she lost, more than what I lost. I can't really explain it but I consider it her loss more than mine.

I understand why people fel the way they do, really, I do. We struggled to TTC DD. But the pain of losing a sibling for your child(ren) is just as raw, but in a different way.

Even though I do not have a child of my own yet. I do have a step-son that we get every other weekend. And I totally agree. Even to a 10-year old. The tears, and even today... "How old would Aurora have been?", "Can we have Thanksgiving with Aurora?" and wanting to be alone at the columbarium to talk to her KILLS me!!

JulsW · December 2010

ColleenS629:
Gummybear:
This is a slippery slope. I hate opening this can of worms. This is a similar conversation to whose loss is worse. My personal opinion on that would probably hurt feelings, just like this conversation hurts my feelings, which is why I keep it to myself, even in FFC.
Yes, I understand that I am a mother to a living child and that changes the pain I feel. BUT, having to explain to my daughter that she would no longer be a big sister, that her baby brother had died, THAT was the single most painful moment of my life. Seeing her tears, having to constantly answer her questions about where her brother was, why he died, and why we can't go to heaven and get him, over and over again, in front of strangers, in front of family, even now, 8 months later, it KILLS me. I mourn for what she lost, more than what I lost. I can't really explain it but I consider it her loss more than mine.
I understand why people fel the way they do, really, I do. We struggled to TTC DD. But the pain of losing a sibling for your child(ren) is just as raw, but in a different way.
I don't think that anyone was saying that your loss wasn't as bad or that you shouldn't grieve that loss. I think they were saying that the possiblility of never having any children is "worse" than the possibility of never having another child. That was just my interpretation of what was said here and in the other thread.

And I understand why she didn't want to open up this can of worms to begin with.

asltrouble94 · December 2010

Please don't feel you're not welcome. I also have 2 children and I have never had any of these lovely ladies say anything negative to me about that fact. However, I have chose not to put my kid's pic in my siggy (but I do have their names and dob) because I know how raw the feeling are on this board. I'm not saying you shouldn't have your kid's pic though, it was just my personal choice. So please stay as you are more than welcome and keep the pic.

JulsW · December 2010

inlovewithB:
christyjolee:
I'm not gonna lie. I am totally jealous of anyone with a child. Here, and IRL. However, that does not change the fact that you have experienced a loss and are TTC again. IMO you are totally welcome here.
This! You have never rubbed the fact that you have two healthy children in my face. The picture of your children is adorable.

Thanks to both of you ladies!

Want a personalized experience?

I need to ask you ladies?

Re: I need to ask you ladies?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards