Why all the negativity?

stahlop · December 2010

Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

chicsub · December 2010

I really don't discuss it with people that aren't supportive. I learned that from last time. Maybe I'll discuss it after the fact, but not during pregnancy when I need positive thoughts and support.

radak · December 2010

Lately I yell out fast. WAIT WAIT, I am in my protective bubble if you have anything negative to say I don't want to hear it, then I laugh and they laugh and they stop talking about it.

Why the negativity? Because women who have not already had babies, and some who have, are usually ignorant. They get their information from the media and horror stories, and think "why go through unnecessary pain when there are no benefits." The fear of pain and need for an epi is so ingrained in their minds, that even explaining the benefits of natural childbirth will not convince them to let go of what they have grown up hearing, that birth is a scary medical procedure that you must medicate yourself to endure it.

Also, some women are competitive. They think that having a natural birth is putting down those women who have not had natural birth as your way being better than theirs. They get defensive, and so they put down natural childbirth as being ignorant, stupid or unnecessary. They think somehow you think you are a better mom or a better woman because you have chosen natural childbirth. Thus the reminder that "you aren't going to get a medal." As if to say, you ain't that special honey. As if the important things in life come with medals. I wish.

Do whatever you can to shut them up, because likely they aren't saying anything that you should hear or that will be useful, and you aren't likely to change their minds.

Manderlin923 · December 2010

It's frustrating but that's how people are. I think a lot has to do with SOME (and by no means all, or even most) women just go with the norm. Of course I'll get an epidural, all my friends have, my mom did, everyone on tv does, etc...of course I'll go to the hospital to have my baby- that's what people do! And on and on...other women just don't see the appeal, regardless of any benefits to going med-free, that's fine. What bugs me is when friends and family are so unsupportive.

I'd smile, sweetly, and say, "Thanks so much for your encouragement! It means so much to have support of the people in my life."

That'll probably shut them up.

monkeyqueen · December 2010

stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

I think this is (the bolded) where you might lose some people.

Honestly, though, why the need to discuss it with people that are not supportive? Telling people (especially those who have had babies) exactly what you are going to do during childbirth doesn't always go well.

Texas77again · December 2010

my first reaction was to tell you to stop talking about it with people who are not like minded, but then how does the word get out if no one wants to talk about it. i would say tread lightly and don't feel that it is your responsibility to school the world.

sometimes i tell people that i would not go to the hosp unless me or my baby were sick, since the hosp is for sick people. i also like to remind people that i am glad that women in some areas have birthing choices and that they should be able to choose whichever option they feel most comfortable with.

you have to understand that you are in the waaaaaay minority, i think something like 1-2% of women birth at home (not sure the percentage for birthing centers) and therefore 98-99% of people are not going to feel the same way you do.

janban12345 · December 2010

monkeyqueen:

stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

I think this is (the bolded) where you might lose some people.

Honestly, though, why the need to discuss it with people that are not supportive? Telling people (especially those who have had babies) exactly what you are going to do during childbirth doesn't always go well.

Yes to the bolded section. Do you honestly think that telling people drugs harm their babies, thereby criticizing their choices, is going to make them respond positively?

I agree that there is often a negative reaction to natural childbirth but sometimes the person brings it on themselves. Focusing on the evils of epidurals is going to get an eyeroll from me and I'm pro-natural childbirth.

WildcatPrincess · December 2010

I stopped saying anything, just smiled and nodded when people told me to get the drugs ASAP. After the fact when everyone asked how I liked the epi I told them I didn't get one and they were all shocked and impressed I didn't get anything. I got way too annoyed with all the "yeah right" responses when I said I was going natural.

janban12345 · December 2010

Also, having been on the other end of the whole childbirth debate has given me perspective. I think now I would say to anyone who seemed dismayed by my choice, that giving birth is very individualized and each mom needs to do what is most comfortable to her. There's no one right way to give birth. This is just the path that I have chosen.

I don't see how anyone can fight you on that. And if they don't respect your choice, then that's their problem.

utlawgirl · December 2010

I don't discuss it with people unless they ask directly. It's my choice, and really none of their business. That said, I think it's kind of like telling someone you're running a marathon. You'll get a lot of "You're crazy," and "I could never do that" kind of reactions, but you just have to shrug it off as people not understanding what's important to you.

honkytonk_kid · December 2010

kerimarie17:
monkeyqueen:

stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

I think this is (the bolded) where you might lose some people.

Honestly, though, why the need to discuss it with people that are not supportive? Telling people (especially those who have had babies) exactly what you are going to do during childbirth doesn't always go well.

Yes to the bolded section. Do you honestly think that telling people drugs harm their babies, thereby criticizing their choices, is going to make them respond positively?

I agree that there is often a negative reaction to natural childbirth but sometimes the person brings it on themselves. Focusing on the evils of epidurals is going to get an eyeroll from me and I'm pro-natural childbirth.

I get where y'all are coming from here. Honestly, in my opinion most of the drugs given to women in labor are not really THAT bad. Of course there are side effects, but for the most part babies whose mothers get pit/IV pain meds/epidurals do just fine.

I just make it about me and my personal choices. Instead of talking about how bad epidurals are, I just say "Meds are meds, and they all have side effects- I personally am not ok with some of those side effects." ie don't want to be numb/unable to move with an epidural, don't want to be loopy from IV meds, pitocin means I would have to stay in bed on the monitor. That way I'm explaining my reasoning without criticizing another woman's choice. I've had very few negative reactions with this approach- it lets whoever I'm talking with understand my choices without having to defend theirs.

Andrewsgal · December 2010

kerimarie17:
monkeyqueen:

stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

I think this is (the bolded) where you might lose some people.

Honestly, though, why the need to discuss it with people that are not supportive? Telling people (especially those who have had babies) exactly what you are going to do during childbirth doesn't always go well.

Yes to the bolded section. Do you honestly think that telling people drugs harm their babies, thereby criticizing their choices, is going to make them respond positively?

I agree that there is often a negative reaction to natural childbirth but sometimes the person brings it on themselves. Focusing on the evils of epidurals is going to get an eyeroll from me and I'm pro-natural childbirth.

I could not agree more, honestly you would get a huge eye roll from me. I have no problem with people having a birth plan but to sit and preach how much better your "planned" birth will be than others who have actually been through it is just plain assinine. I have had one natural and one with an epi, and think it is great that you think you have it all figured out enough so that you can judge others. I was the best Mom before I was a Mom!

njh514 · December 2010

How do I deal with it? I don't! :-) Unless someone specifically asks me I don't offer up, "hey guess what...." Besides - most of the people I work with (and heck - family too) think my husband and I are a bit odd so it wouldn't really shock them. I just don't want to hear what they have to say. My husband and I have made our decision, found a doula, a supportive doc, and that's all we need! If all goes well you better believe I'll be going around saying, "and I gave birth with no meds!" I'm afraid that if I go gloating around now and something happens then everyone will be saying, "see!! Told ya!" and at that point I won't likely deal with that well, being all sleep deprived and all.

sweetmej · December 2010

I don't even try to explain our rationale to people unless they're truly interested. My mother had an uneventful home birth with me and two med-free hospital births before I was born, so often that's enough to keep people from asking about my preferences. I had dinner the other night with someone who was visiting my boss, and without knowing my preferences for a med-free birth, she commented "if your doctor tells you that you need a c-section, don't ask questions, just do it...because the c-section rate is higher because more people used to die in childbirth!" I smiled and told her that I trust my care provider and will make decisions based on her advisement - which is true - and this seemed to shut down whatever bone she may have had to pick with people planning to have a natural birth. That conversation left a really bad taste in my mouth, but luckily I've had only positive feedback from my closest family and friends.

etjohnson0825 · December 2010

I've had so much negativity, too, and I've used these responses:

1. (Hand up in the stop sign) Ah, ah, don't judge. This is personal, and you don't want me to go pregnant crazy woman on you. (usually gets laughs and we move on)

2. My big hips were made for this (also gets laughs and we move on)

3. I make it about me. "My body doesn't respond very well to anesthesia or other drugs, so I'm trying to avoid weird side effects." I'd try this one rather than the effects of epidurals, etc, because it can't be argued. It's MY BODY, and they don't know how it will respond either.

Whatever you choose to do to get the baby out, and whatever you say ahead of time, just know that its your experience, your decision, and try not to take it personal. Easier said than done!

MallratsMom · December 2010

radak:
Also, some women are competitive. They think that having a natural birth is putting down those women who have not had natural birth as your way being better than theirs. They get defensive, and so they put down natural childbirth as being ignorant, stupid or unnecessary. They think somehow you think you are a better mom or a better woman because you have chosen natural childbirth. Thus the reminder that "you aren't going to get a medal." As if to say, you ain't that special honey. As if the important things in life come with medals. I wish.

This pretty much sums it up. I also try not to say anything about the epi being bad for the baby since that makes them feel like I'm judging them for choosing it. I usually just play up the positives up natural child birth and since I've done it twice I know

joolz425 · December 2010

most of my friends were supportive, but did have a few people make negative comments. i had natural birth without any complications. in our hypnobabies class we learned to protect ourselves in bubble of peace where we only let in positive messages through and keep negative messages out. worked pretty well for me. i'm finding that people are pretty ignorant and lame. you do what you know is best for your baby and ignore them.

lanie30 · December 2010

stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

Probably because you're saying this. Have you had a contraction?

No? It hurts. And making hurt go away isn't bad for the mother/baby. You need to button it. I find when I don't discuss this, I don't get arguments.

"Because women who have not already had babies, and some who have, are usually ignorant. They get their information from the media and horror stories, and think "why go through unnecessary pain when there are no benefits."

Also WTTTTTTTTTTTTTTF???? wow.

Yeah. You're a peach. I'm planning an HBAC. I don't discuss it IRL. No one needs to know how I plan on using my vagina.

ToledoDeux · December 2010

lanie30:
stahlop:
Almost any time I mention that I'm doing natural childbirth my friends are so negative about it. It's always, "Good luck with that" or "Why would you do that?". No matter how much I try to explain how bad drugs are for the mother and the baby, or the fact that women have been doing this for years without drugs, they just don't seem to get it. And don't even get me started when I say I'm still debating between hospital and home birth. I get looked at as if I have two heads and then all the "my friends baby almost died" stories start coming out. It's very frustrating and I don't like the negativity. How are you all dealing with this?

Probably because you're saying this. Have you had a contraction?

No? It hurts. And making hurt go away isn't bad for the mother/baby. You need to button it. I find when I don't discuss this, I don't get arguments.

"Because women who have not already had babies, and some who have, are usually ignorant. They get their information from the media and horror stories, and think "why go through unnecessary pain when there are no benefits."

Also WTTTTTTTTTTTTTTF???? wow.

Yeah. You're a peach. I'm planning an HBAC. I don't discuss it IRL. No one needs to know how I plan on using my vagina.

lanie - between this and the AP post - you can't tell me that you get this kind of blood-boiling entertainment on your other board. Come back. **whimper**

lanie30 · December 2010

TOLEDO! I miss you mucheth!

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