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Parenting after 35
My FFFC
My marriage is on the rocks. He's a good dad and a good person, I just don't think we can get along anymore. Some days are good, and then there are the bad days, which are really bad. Had another fight this morning where we reduced ourselves to 2nd graders calling each other names and saying mean things. We're seeing a counselor but it's not "working." Or else maybe we don't care enough to do the work we have to do to make things better?
I'm feeling really depressed, and I don't feel like there's anyone IRL that I can talk to about it. I'm too embarrassed. I mean, who has a near one year old and is thinking about divorce?! That's just not what's "supposed" to happen.
Big, big sigh.
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Re: My FFFC
Meh, who ever heard of a pregnant gal getting a divorce after 11 yrs of marriage? ::raises hand:: It happens, and you know what, it doesn't define you. I'm not saying it doesn't suck at times, but those times get fewer and farther between, for me anyway. That said, perhaps you should look for a different counselor. Sometimes certain counselors just are not a good fit. It doesn't mean you are failing at counseling. Good luck!
ETA - I love love love M's new picture! I just want to give her a squeeze!
I am SO SO sorry you are going through this....I agree that maybe trying a different counselor. Its amazing the difference it can make when it's a good "fit".
Second, it might help to talk about it with someone IRL just to get the burden off you....carrying around that shame takes so much energy...there is no shame in having problems with your marriage (I think everyone has them) and if, you do end splitting up, IMO, I actually think that its better than staying together "for the kids".
Keep your chin up....
I second this. I know I went through my entire pregnancy and didn't tell any friends IRL about my divorce. Several of them came to the hospital to see the baby and asked where Josh was, I said he was at work. It was a painful secret. I shouldn't have kept that in, and it made it soooo much harder to come clean later. Many of my friends already suspected it or they were told by my family, so it wasn't really a secret anyway. I sure could have used their support during the process, so I encourage you to talk to someone IRL about it. ((HUGS))
I agree with Shelley to try another counsleor.
Maybe you should just stick it out for awhile before thinking divorce. Separate if you have to. The time away from each other can maybe give you more appreciation of each other. Being new parents can be stressful. My sister went through a real tough time after her 2nd child. They talked about a divorce & neither really wanted it but they just weren't happy together. They also figured out that financially it would be a nightmare paying for a mortgage & another place. They actually didn't even see a counselor, but started working on the communication. One of the rules was no yelling at each other or name calling. Respect each other. Give yourselves time outs to cool off before you say something hurtful.
Hugs to you.
If I recall correctly, you live in a 1 bedroom condo and your husband hates his job, so I'd guess there are other issues beyond your relationship with each other. If your DH is unhappy regardless, it will affect every part of his life--and yours.
I think trying another counselor is a good idea. And I truly hope you are able to find a way to rebuild your relationship. But if you cannot, please don't think you are alone and don't feel shame.
While I think more often a legal and physical separation leads to divorce, I have heard of couples who were able to make things work. I'm not sure if that's an option for you, but it's something to consider.
And I agree with everyone else that holding this in with your "real" friends is a good idea. Don't keep this to yourself. It only makes things harder.
Bronx Zoo: Summer 2013
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Oh Lisa, I am so sorry that you are having this problem. I don't think it is uncommon at all. There were people that told me that I would hate my husband for a good part of my baby's first year. It hasn't been that dramatic but there have been some times.
I just want to encourage you to fight for your marriage with all you have. Both for your sake and for Mallory's. I watch my stepson deal with the aftermath of divorce and while he is a happy kid, I can see how hard it is for him to be split into two different worlds. Two houses, two different household dynamics. Just when he gets settled at one place it's time to go to the other place again. Having to say goodnight to his mom on the phone rather than in person. All of that is better than living in one unhappy home but it's not easy.
Change counselors, talk to friends, talk to your husband, do what ever takes so that you can feel like you gave it your very best shot.
It happened to me. I was divorced with a 14 month old. I agree. It wasn't "supposed" to happen. Not what I envisioned. Then again, infidelity wasn't something I was willing to live with either.
Marriage is work. It's hard. Throw in a baby and it challenges the strongest marriages.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I pray that you both can rekindle the love and support for each other so you both get what you need and deserve.
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One of my friends caught her husband cheating when her son was 6 months old. Meaning, he was probably sleeping with the other woman way before the baby was born. My friend is divorced now.
Sh!t happens, especially when you add the stress of taking care of a child. I think it really tests a relationship. DH and have been going through rough patches much more now that we have Adrian. We're both exhausted and there doesn't seem to be time for each other, only for work, chores, Adrian and other responsibilities. Play times for us is almost nonexistent.
I think if the love is there and kids get older, relationships eventually get back in the groove, but it's different for everyone. You def. have to work at your marriage, it's not easy like in the movies. That said, if you feel like there's no love there anymore, that's a different story. In that case it's probably best to go your separate ways, children can sense when parents don't get along. I hope you can figure out the best solution for your family, sending lots of hugs your way
That first year taxes every partnership, I think. If you have other stuff going on over the top, like his job thing, well, yeah, you guys are having a rough time.
My brother's marriage started to fall apart of the honeymoon, and that was when they got pregnant. I don't think there's ever really a good time.
I agree with all of this, and everything else the wonderful ladies on this board have written. I too have been there -- just a couple of months ago, I had to tell DH that if I didn't see certain changes immediately, I was done. It wasn't an ultimatum, or a threat, just the truth. But you need to be able to talke to someone about this stuff. Do you have an IRL BFF that you could confide in, maybe? Trust me, anyone who is your friend will understand and will not judge you.