Gift etiquette?

LittleDelany · December 2010

I'm going to be flying home for my shower at the end of January. My mom and best friend are going to co-host, and I have a few people in mind that I'd really like to be there (a few of my good friends are due 4 weeks after I am!). Is it OK for me to request that they are invited?

Also, since I'm traveling, I was thinking of letting everyone know that they are welcome to get something off of my registry (that I haven't created yet), or maybe gift cards to BRU or Target, instead of bringing gifts TO the shower. I won't be able to afford to ship them home, and don't want the cost of taking an extra bag on the airlines.

Third thought: my IL's are giving us money for the nursery and I'm sure whatever they don't get, my mom and SD will - would it be OK if I nixed gifts altogether? Or asked for a $15 limit to be set? I'm afraid of ending up with a lot of things I'm not going to need, and really want to have the shower more to see my friends/family than to receive presents for baby.

TIA

pam1005 · December 2010

I hope I get all of your questions:

1. You are the guest of honor, so you can request who you would like to be there. If your mom and best friend are hosting, then I am assuming it will be a mix of family and friends. I'd say you can invite whoever you'd like, as long as space allows.

2. Most people put the registry info on the invite or spread that info by word of mouth. You can put in the notes section that gift cards are welcome. Most people should assume that you will be traveling, so hopefully they take that into consideration. There really is no proper way (or not tacky way) to request gift cards only. You can put the bigger items on your registry, then if you receive them return them and rebuy them when you get home.

3. IMO it is not okay to dictate to guests what to give you, so therefore I would not nix the gifts. You will get a variety of items and some of them you will need, but with a shower people always get things that may not be used. Just have a good time and be gracious that they are throwing you one. Some of the items I thought I would not use have turned out to be very useful and some of DS's favorite items.

My advice is to pack lightly and maybe your mom can come visit later and bring some of the gifts with her as well. Things will all work out. Have fun!

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

If you want a shower, it's your responsibility to get the gifts home. Hopefully, people will think ahead and get you things that are easy to transport but you can't dictate GCs only. Besides, what would you open at the shower? GCs aren't something to ooh and ahh over and that's what the guests want to see are cute clothes and things. If you really don't want the presents, don't have a shower; fly out with the baby later and have a meet the baby party instead.

EastCoastBride · December 2010

A shower is about gifts. If you dont' want gifts or don't want to be burdened w/ taking gifts home that people were so generous to get you, then don't have a shower.

You can't dictate what they should give you,or if they should give you anything at all. Be gracious about what you receive and hopefully your guests will keep in mind that you are traveling.

EastCoastBride · December 2010

Also, if you do get large gifts, if possible, you could return them there to the store and the rebuy them when you get home.

LittleDelany · December 2010

I definitely didn't mean to sound ungrateful in my post. This is our first child and I have no idea what I'm going to want and need for the baby at this point, and I don't really want my friends spending a lot of money on things that I may or may not use. Especially since a lot of them are unemployed or single mom's and are financially struggling in the same way DH and I are. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have a shower, maybe a little luncheon instead, but I'm not going to deny my mother and BFF the chance to throw me one, it's all they seem to talk about lately. Maybe I'll just register for small items that will be easy to transport and easy to return if I don't feel the need for them.

Thanks for the advice!

amylynchild · December 2010

Don't worry, you don't sound ungrateful. You were just asking for advice.

Corts · December 2010

To to walmart and buy a box the day after your shower, to fit all your gifts. Ship it to your house before you fly back. It shouldn't be more than $15.00 or so and will save you luggage fees. Maybe the hosts will offer to pay for it.

danilynn17 · December 2010

Corts:
To to walmart and buy a box the day after your shower, to fit all your gifts. Ship it to your house before you fly back. It shouldn't be more than $15.00 or so and will save you luggage fees. Maybe the hosts will offer to pay for it.

Please share what service you use to mail your items, because $15 is not going to send a box of any size very far. Possibly not even across town.

Corts · December 2010

USPS??

Did it for my cousins shower who lived in FL a few years ago. Several packages of diapers, a nursery lamp & mobile, clothes, blankets, ect.

pam1005 · December 2010

Corts:
To to walmart and buy a box the day after your shower, to fit all your gifts. Ship it to your house before you fly back. It shouldn't be more than $15.00 or so and will save you luggage fees. Maybe the hosts will offer to pay for it.

Yeah, I would not take this advice. The box alone will for sure be under 15 bucks, but for me to ship a small manila envelope it costs about 3 dollars. I shipped a box with five outfits, a portable booster seat, ten blankets, a set of bottles, and a small package of diapers and it cost me over 50 bucks. I would not even let the hosts pay for shipping either (especially when they are throwing the shower and paying for those costs).

Corts · December 2010

pam1005:

Corts:
To to walmart and buy a box the day after your shower, to fit all your gifts. Ship it to your house before you fly back. It shouldn't be more than $15.00 or so and will save you luggage fees. Maybe the hosts will offer to pay for it.

Yeah, I would not take this advice. The box alone will for sure be under 15 bucks, but for me to ship a small manila envelope it costs about 3 dollars. I shipped a box with five outfits, a portable booster seat, ten blankets, a set of bottles, and a small package of diapers and it cost me over 50 bucks. I would not even let the hosts pay for shipping either (especially when they are throwing the shower and paying for those costs).

The box cost $2.50 and the stuff I already listed cost about $16.00 after it was weighed.

Where does someone find a $15.00 box?

bella85 · December 2010

I don't know how much it all costs, but the USPS has the "if it fits, it ships" boxes that are a set price to ship. You could check into that.

kristennd · December 2010

Since you haven't registered yet, just only put lower-priced (and maybe only lightweight) items on the registry until after the shower.

LegalLadyBug · December 2010

pam1005:
2. Most people put the registry info on the invite or spread that info by word of mouth. You can put in the notes section that gift cards are welcome. Most people should assume that you will be traveling, so hopefully they take that into consideration. There really is no proper way (or not tacky way) to request gift cards only. You can put the bigger items on your registry, then if you receive them return them and rebuy them when you get home.

This is what I did for my wedding. DH and I were moving cross country a week or so after our wedding. We had already driven our stuff cross country and flown back for the wedding and we were going on our honeymoon and then flying straight from that location to our new home. We just ended up returning the big items that we couldn't take with us and used the store credit etc. to rebuy the items when we got to our new home.

ETA: I don't suggest shipping unless you look into the pricing first and know it is worth it. I used to mail christmas gifts cross country and it was usually around $100 through UPS. I have never mailed a large package through USPS but I know small packages aren't even that cheap anymore with the ever increasing cost of postage. You can get estimates for costs on both the UPS and USPS websites based on zip codes, size, and weight.

Jenniferk08 · December 2010

why not register for easy to pack items like bottles, pacifers, and clothes? buy the bigger things yourself.

MrsJWeaver · December 2010

Hopefully the people attending your shower know that you live out of the state and will be smart enough to get small things.

Don't register for anything big until after the shower. If family is offering to buy big things then ask them to have them shipped to you. I know a lot of stores do ship to store for free. In the end of you get big stuff then return it and buy it again at home. I do not recommend using an extra bag to take home on a plane - it will cost way more than sending it buy mail/ups/etc. The Flat Rate boxes will fit a decent amount of the little items but there is no way you could use them for big things.

If you really would prefer a no gift idea why not ask your mom how she feels about a book shower. She could make a cute invite that asks each guest to bring their favorite childrens book instead of a gift. If people ask her about other gifts she could mention that you are travelling and this seemed like a better option. You may get some small items and gift cards but not as many large things. You could build a nice book collection, its easy to send back, but they still feel like they are giving you a gift.

Jram85 · December 2010

danilynn17:
Corts:
To to walmart and buy a box the day after your shower, to fit all your gifts. Ship it to your house before you fly back. It shouldn't be more than $15.00 or so and will save you luggage fees. Maybe the hosts will offer to pay for it.
Please share what service you use to mail your items, because $15 is not going to send a box of any size very far. Possibly not even across town.

I agree with Danilynn17 - $15 won't get your box very far, at least not going UPS. I worked for UPS for about a year, and at that time (it was over a year ago) the base line for UPS Ground was about $8 or $9. I think the cheapest I saw it go was about $7.55 and that was very tiny box going a very short distance..

On the other hand, you might want to consider trying a USPS flat rate box like other posters have suggested. They are free from your post office so you can easily pick one up at the city in which your shower is being held, and then only pay a flat rate to ship it back. They come in multiple sizes so hopefully you can find one that will suit your needs. That "if it fits, it ships" jingle is correct - just make sure your box weighs less than 70lbs and you'll be good to go Check out USPS website for more info.

I'm not really sure how you'd go about requesting your guests to do this... but another idea is having your friends purchase the larger items for you online for you to pick up in-store in your current city of residence. My sister and I once collaborated purchasing a large gift for father's day and she put it on her card, but requested that it be picked up at a store location across the country where my father and I lived. It worked out great!

Have a fun shower, and good luck with the traveling!

akayf · December 2010

If you have some larger items on there and your mom knows that let's say Aunt Sally wants to buy the car seat, maybe your mom can discretely mention to her that it might be a good idea to have it shipped directly to the house. Then at the shower, Aunt Sally can put a picture of the car seat in a small wrapped box and that's what you will open. I've seen that done at showers even that were not OOT because the giver didn't want lug a huge, heavy box to the shower.

Lithigin · December 2010

LittleDelany:
I definitely didn't mean to sound ungrateful in my post. This is our first child and I have no idea what I'm going to want and need for the baby at this point, and I don't really want my friends spending a lot of money on things that I may or may not use. Especially since a lot of them are unemployed or single mom's and are financially struggling in the same way DH and I are. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have a shower, maybe a little luncheon instead, but I'm not going to deny my mother and BFF the chance to throw me one, it's all they seem to talk about lately. Maybe I'll just register for small items that will be easy to transport and easy to return if I don't feel the need for them.
Thanks for the advice!

You sound considerate, not ungrateful. Some posters lurk here for the express purpose of jumping on people who ask about hosting their own showers or ask questions about multiple showers.

I'd put wording in the invitation to the effect of "Don't forget that LittleDelany is traveling in from Texas to celebrate her baby with us; please contact (hostess) for suggestions on travel-able gifts!" That way if they ask hostess, she can suggest gift cards or something from a national chain that can be returned and re-bought. (We did the same thing for an out-of-state wedding shower at our ILs house, and returned tons to BB&B and re-bought it at home)

RedPlanet · December 2010

I would ask your mom and best friend to spread the word that gifts can always be shipped directly to you. That is reasonable and if I was a guest at your shower, I would want to know that shipping directly to you is something you would like. These are people that love and support you, they are going to want to make your life easier if possible.

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