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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Am I out of line?
I haven't said anything to this friend but I want to tear her a new one. I am starting to think I want to give up today and go back to bed.
My friend just sent me a text message. "My cat is dying. It's like I am losing a baby." It hasn't even been a week since I had the miscarriage. I am angry and can't believe she would say something like that to me.
She has no kids, is single and her cat is her only room mate. I get that she loves him. I have lost pets I know they are family members. But I can't believe she would say that to me less than a week after I lost a baby. It wasn't an unthinking comment. She repeated herself twice when I didn't respond to the first message. She is trying to get me to compare my grief right now with what she is going through. I want to slap her in the face and say, "You don't know what it's like. You have no idea what you are talking about, STFU" instead I said "that sucks"
I am not exactly emotionally stable at the moment, I have no idea if I am over reacting. She is at the best of times the most selfish self centered person I have met. I am not exactly willing to cut her some slack right now. I have ignored the last 5 texts she has sent me and trying to simmer down before I say something I regret.
The thing is, I don't care that she is making the comparisson. She doesn't know what it's like to have children, to her her cat is her child. I understand that. It's that she said it to me. It's that she deliberately chose those words to say to me today.
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Re: Am I out of line?
I wouldn't have been able to not tell her how upset her comment made you. And I probably would have told her exactly what you said. "You have no idea..."
It makes me upset just thinking about it. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope she realizes how naive she is being.
Of course you aren't out of line. Text her back a simple, "I am sorry to hear the news" just to get her off your case and move on. You said she is self-centered, so this behavior is to be expected. Concentrate on getting yourself better menatlly and physical and (try not) to let her beahvior get to you. It's not worth it.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I truly enjoyed reading about your little lady in the post below.
Go Phils!!
She is either extremely clueless or just cruel.
Losing a pet is awful, but that's a horrible comparison to make right now. Ugh. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your emotions are certainly not out of line, but saying more than what Sailor suggested might be, unless she really presses you by mentioning you m/c and saying stuff like "you must know how I feel".
My BFF was getting married 2 weeks after my pregnancy loss, and when I called to tell her she said "well, I guess it's better now to lose the baby before it's even really a baby, you know?"
I didn't say much at the time, but I know that one day when she gets pregnant we may revisit that conversation. The truth is, no one really does know how that feels until they experience it, and it's hard to know what to say to be empathetic but still treat a woman like she's normal.
Tough stuff, girl. We're here for you.
Are you out of line? No.
Is she out of line? Hell-to-the-yes.
I would write back "I'm really sorry about your cat. I know its hard. But please dont say its like loosing a baby, because I have lost both, and its not the same." Or something like that. Maybe you can prevent her from saying something stupid like this to other women in her life down the line.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Trying for #2 since July 2010
BFP 8/1/10, missed m/c, D&C 9/15/10.
BFP 1/8/11, chemical pregnancy.
BFP 3/4/11, measured behind all along, no more HB 4/18/11. D&C 4/29/11. HCG didn't drop, Repeat D&C 6/17/11; confirmed molar pregnancy 6/23/11.
Forced break, including two Hysteroscopies in October to remove retained tissue.
BFP 12/29/11! Betas @ 10 dpo = 85, 14 dpo= 498, 22 dpo = 7242
Heard HB 1/24/12. 144 bpm!
Luca Rose born 9/9/12! More than worth the wait!
This. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was going to say cut her some slack until I saw that she isselfish and slf-centered on a regular basis...I lost a kitten and had a m/c and while quite obviously they are not the same they were both devestating in their own way and I cried for both for days and days...
I would ignore her texts...you already acknowledge that's too bad what she is going for...and focus on your self and your own grieving process..>I am sorry for your loss...
Why are you worried about being rude to her?
I would text her back and say "i'm sorry to hear the news, but your timing really isn't good. I can't deal with this right now.".
Stop worrying about sparing HER feelings.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am really sorry for you loss. I don't think I would hesitate to tell her exactly how that comment made me feel. ::hugs::
Matthew Kevin
7/31/83-7/20/11
Met 1/8/00
Engaged 4/21/06
Married 9/29/07
Two beautiful legacies: Noah Matthew (2 yrs) and Chloe Marcella (8 mos)
Day Three
I'm in the minority here, but I honestly don't think I'd say anything. I'm not saying the insensitivity of her comment wouldn't bother me, but what good is it going to do to rip her a new one? If she's truly selfish, I doubt she's going to have a "come to Jesus" moment over a confrontation with you.
Quite frankly, if you do have it out with her, I can't help but wonder what she would say in return. Selfish people are the kind of folks who think miscarriages aren't "real babies" and that it's a "bummer, but get over it." Not to mention, if you confront her, she's grieving, too. She's apt to say things she regrets in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that your "friend" retaliated with comments like these--and honestly, that's only going to make you feel like more crap.
Vent to us, understand your friend's limitations and character flaws, and blow her off.