Parenting after 35
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Fencesitter here (38) - What made you decide to have children?
I always "knew" i'd have kids, but then you get settled into your lifestyle and get used to having dogs as kids. Sick of being a fencesitter.
Please share with me previous fencesitters, what exactly made you change your mind? Do you regret it? Has anything been different from what you envisioned?
Thank you!
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Re: Fencesitter here (38) - What made you decide to have children?
Having my 35th birthday looming changed my mind.
Don't regret it at all! See siggy why.
Not sure what I envisioned, so can't answer your last question.
My Blog
The time just felt right, finally. I'm 42. My job had started to suck, blow and bite simultaneously, that helped.
We don't regret it for a moment, Margaux is a joy. Heck, even the cats like her, mostly.
Everything has been harder and easier than I imagined. I did not know what sleep dep was until I had a baby. All those cheesy, trite things you hear people say about having a child? All true. No matter how tough you think you are, you become a sappy mess... but in a good way.
It changes everything.
I got pregnant accidentally when I was 38. DH and I had decided we were perfectly happy without kids especially since neither of us had any real urge to have kids and then surprise!
Peppernut is so right. A child changes everything. I am not the same person I was before having a baby. My priorities have changed drastically.
I know I would have been happy without my son. But wow do I love the little guy so much it hurts.
I always wanted kids, at least 2 actually, which is why we are thinking of #2 now. My only regret so far is not starting sooner, at 40 I find that I have a lot less energy than younger moms. I never needed anything to "change my mind" since I've never been a fencesitter, I wanted kids no matter what.
Our lives are completely different know, but in a good way. Sure, my husband and I don't have the same freedom anymore, we can't be as selfish as we used to be and we will be more strapped financially because of having kids, that's a fact. But personally I would do it again in a heartbeat. Like I said, I enjoyed my childless years but I would have started a few years sooner if I had met DH sooner.
GL with your decision, it's a big one!
Good for you for asking the question! It was one of the questions I wanted most to explore when I started writing my blog - how does a woman turn into a mother? Reading over it is fun now - to see my gradual transformation. I never wanted kids. In fact, I don't really like kids. I also never wanted to be married. One day I woke up and I just knew - I would have a child. So DH and I got married and after trying for 1.5 years we were pregnant.
Now? I can't even imagine what I was thinking just a few years ago. My only regret about having kids is our late start cause I tell ya, I'd have a dozen or more if I could. Every aspect of my life is different in the most beautiful way possible - I knew it would be good but I wasn't prepared to have my soul completely transformed. I liken it to falling in love - you are changed and your life is changed and you are fall-on-your-knees thankful for this blessed person coming to your life because you wouldn't have your new life any other way. My daughter is by far the most miraculous, amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, we are trying for another. What can the love do but grow exponentially?
I've wanted to be a mom for well over 15 years now. There wasn't any fencesitting for me, there just wasn't a man. ; ) And then there was but he wanted to wait and wait and wait. The only thing I regret is that I'm SO DANG TIRED ALL OF THE TIME now... but bc I didn't have one earlier, not sure if that would make a difference. Regardless, she's the best thing ever to happen to me and I wouldn't change one thing (except that I be able to stay home with her instead of friggin work).
click the pic (blog)
Growing up I always wanted kids and wanted a lot (I am 1 of 5 kids)...but God wasn't quite on the same page and I just never met the right person...so eventually I grew to be OK with never having kids, and finding a life partner became my deepest wish. I finally met him at 33, got married at 36. And initially we were totally on the fence b/c we really liked our life...we were comfortable financially, free to do/go whatever/wherever...but we collectively decided we didn't want to regret not even trying. So we did and low & behold I got pg on the first cycle trying, which was only a month after we got married!!! I wish that we would have had more time to ourselves but like I said, God had different plans for us.
Regret: the first few months were REALLY hard for me...the adjustment in our lifestyle was hard...and I think we both had bouts of regret.....BUT around 4 months everything shifted....we had settled into our new life a bit, DD started sleeping better, and I fell in love for the 2nd time in my life...with my DD. She brings us more joy than we ever expected. So no....absolutely no regret here....I'd go through all of it 20 times for DD...and we are trying for #2 now.
Its been said that you will never regret the childen you DO have, only the children you DON'T have.
GL and good for you for asking these questions....it is a BIG decision.... take your time....
Excellent question - I'm so glad you asked. I have one son whose 18, so I never planned on having more kids. I was basically a single mom with him. It was so hard that I didn't want to go through that again. So I thought my child bearing years were behind me.
At the age of 36, I met the SO and that changed my whole world. He doesn't have kids, so that prompted me to rethink the no more kids thing. We sat ald talked about all of the different aspects and came to the conclusion that we wanted to have kids if we could. It took us longer than I figured to get pregnant and we had S when I was 38.
I don't regret having S. In fact, we are trying #2. It is harder than I thought - I think because I'm older, have less energy, have more responsibilities, etc. I won't kid you - your life will change and your priorities will shift. But I wouldn't change it for anything.
I hope this helps - good luck with whatever path you choose.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I almost could have written your post a few years ago. I, like many here, didn't meet DH until I was "older" (almost 33). We were married at 35 and spent our first year "just us". We talked about kids all.the.time. but just couldn't make a decision. Both of us loved kids, just weren't sure if we wanted our own, with all the responsibility, financial sacrifice, lack of sleep, etc. Then my grandma died and I was at her service with my dad and his 5 siblings. And their kids. And those kids' kids. And I saw how much love surrounded my grandma as a result of her having kids, even when she was no longer there with us physically. I had a hard time pulling the trigger, even after that, I think it was a combination of having had so much me time and just being scared of the unknown. For us it was more of a head decision than a heart one.
Fast forward about 2 years, DD is 14 months old on Thursday and I can't imagine my life without her. This amazing little person who grows and changes every day, melts my heart with her laughter, makes me love DH even more when they play together and just makes my life mean so much more than I ever thought it would. She is the absolute best thing I have ever done. I saw on someone's siggy "having a child is knowing what it is like to have your heart walk around outside of your body". It's so true. I have no regrets whatsoever, just wish I had done it sooner. We are now trying for #2! The thing that has been different for me is the lack of sleep has been harder than I thought - but we don't have a "sleeper". T didn't STTN until almost a year old. On the positive side, she has been SO much more fun than we thought possible too
GL with your decision, its a big one and I wish you peace with whatever path you choose.
I always knew I wanted children. It took much longer than I thought to meet the right person and settle into marriage. If we were younger, we might have even waited longer.
It changes your life so completely. And when you are older and set in your ways more, you think you can't do it. But you can. You can change your whole life for that one little person. You can, and you do. Willingly.
No regrets. She is the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. I will say, however, that it is way more work than I thought. I saw myself as a "natural" with kids and thought everything would just flow. It hasn't. I am exhausted every day. I didn't expect to be so tired. But, I am.... GLADLY.
Hope you make a decision that is just right for you.
No fencesitting here, I always wanted children. I was an only child and always wanted a sibling, therfore I knew i'd always want 2 kids. In fact my ex-fi and I were talking about kids back in the early 90's, I just never got pregnant. We broke up, I met DH and although it took us a looooong while to get married and to conceive, we ended up with Nicholas who was planned and six months later, got preg with *surprise* twins!
Do I regret it? Absolutely not.
Is anything different? night and day. things are just different, more fun, happier, I feel younger (although i'm more tired) and I have someone to live for.
I'm another that always knew I wanted kids, but just never met the right person - until 2007. DH and I got married in 2009 and got pg a month later.
Nobody had ever told me how hard the first couple months are - since I had cared for children since I was a teenager, I assumed it would all come naturally. Those first couple months they are really just these cute little pooping/crying/sleeping slugs that barely acknowledge you and when you're sleep deprived sometimes you think "Why are you doing this to me???". BUT....then it changes...that first smile, the first time they REALLY look into your eyes, or nestle under your neck.
Your heart truly changes. I thought that I had been blessed to experience the love I have with DH (which I am, of course) - but there is a different level of love you experience when you have a child. I think it's God's reward for taking care of one of His little angels. It's kinda like what they say in "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", how when his heart grew 3 times it's size. That's what it is like when you have a child - your heart grows. That's the little secret us parents all know.
Exactly this, I couldn't have same it better myself
I made a complete circle on the kids issue. Growing up I always wanted a *huge* family, my goal and desire in life was to be a Mom. Unfortunately my body wouldn't cooperate.
After 12 years of trying with my ex, four m/c's and eventually a divorce, I decided that maybe I just wasn't meant to have kids. Maybe I was just too old, too set in my ways or too selfish to be a good mom...
Then I met DH.
The thought of this amazing, wonderful, fabulous man not being a Daddy made me cry. We began trying and taking medication even before the wedding and after about four years I had a fluke appointment with a PA who just happened to recommend an off label drug that just happened to be exactly what I needed and we got pregnant the second month I was on it. After over 16 years of actively trying!
Silly me, I thought the hard part was over.
The first three months were grueling. L had colic and there were many nights that we just sat in the living room and cried together until he fell asleep. My milk never came in, I was exhausted all the time, there were all these crazy hormones going through me, I envied DH being able to leave and go to work, I loved L but hadn't felt that overwhelming rush that you think you should feel and I wondered if we had made a huge colossal mistake...
Right around three months things changed. It was so gradual that I don't think I can pin-point exactly when it happened, but every day just started getting better and better. It still does.
L has become this amazing, smart, happy, curious, loving little boy. Everyday I am grateful for him and DH in my life. Everyday I'm so glad that my life turned out the way it did. We are trying for #2 now, which I guess is the ultimate comment on how far we've come in the past ten months!
One of the pp's said it best- it is harder but better than I ever imagined, and I wouldn't go back to my old life for anything!
Thank you all so much for your heartwarming stories. I read all of them and it helps. I guess my major concerns are how I would feel with the daunting responsibility of teenage years and school problems and boyfriend/girlfriend problems, etc., years when they're driving with friends, sleepovers, staying out late, worrying all the time, dealing with my own retirement as the child would be graduating high school in need of college $, etc. I have a special place in my heart for dogs and maybe I'm meant to be their mommy. I still have clothes in the attic and baby stuff I bought 18 years ago, when of course I was going to have children, but that was when I didn't think about day-to-day realities (above). I hope to the Universe this finally hits me with what to do because this fencesitting is really killing me every single day!
DH is wonderful and he is on the fence too because we both work late and barely have time for us. He thinks it would be nice for when we're older, but we all know that the woman gets the brunt of child rearing, especially if the DH works late hours. Homework, afterschool taxiing, science projects, oh boy, it's so much to worry about!
My mom had my younger sister and myself when she was over 40, and we thought my parents were awesome, calm and much cooler than the other, younger parents. No lie.
ANYway, you have some time to think!