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How would you handle friends with IF (long)
One of most worst fears in life was that I wouldn't be able to have children. I always planned on 2-3 kids, but now that I have Caroline, if I wasn't able to concieve again, I would still be satified in the fact that I am a mother.
A month prior to our wedding (and TTC), a friend (who is actually DH's friend's wife) confessed to me that she was told that she couldn't have children. They had been trying for a while (I can't remember how long) prior to going to see an IF specialist in April of 2009. This first specialist determined that she suffered from some type of early onset menapause where she either no longer ovulates or no longer has viable eggs. (I'm going back a year and a half so the details are a bit fuzzy to me.) He asked her if she had a sister and if she had regular periods because egg donation was her only shot at concieving. At the time that we had this conversation, she said that she said that she wasn't considering it. This doctor also said that had tried TTC just a few months earlier, she may have gotten PG. She was obviously very upset with this appointment and looked for another specialist. This then lead to seeing a 3rd and 4th specialist. She was getting the same answers until she saw the 4th. S/he started to suggest trying some alternative methods in hopes of her getting PG on her own. She was happy with the doctor, but was still not getting any results. This was the last time that we spoke about the situation, because just 3 months later, I was PG. I didn't have the heart to ask her about something so upsetting when I had the one thing that she wanted.
At the time that we had this conversation, no one in this group of friends had kids or was PG. This girl got married in 2005, prior to me even knowing my DH. 2009 was the "year of the weddings" for this group of friends. There were 4 couples married that year. Subsequently, that led to both me and another girl getting PG 2 months apart. She didn't come to my shower (or Kristen's shower), but came over our house a week later and brought a card with a GC in it and said she she couldn't come because she just couldn't do it. I knew what she meant. It broke my heart when I gave everyone a tour of our new townhouse that day because I knew how she probably felt in the nursery. Since Hannah and Caroline have been born, they haven't come to any events thrown by this group of friends.
We sent them a christening invite because her husband and Brian have been good friends since grade school and he was a GM in our wedding. We knew that they wouldn't come, but we didn't want them to feel left out. Up until this point, they never verbalized why they haven't been around, but me and DH know why. Last night, DH got a text from his friend. It was super long and basically said that they weren't coming to the christening because things have been really rough with him and Lauren. They have been trying to have children for a long time now and it is tearing her apart. It isn't that they don't want to attend things, but it just hurts too much right now to be around their friends watching them start families.
This was what we both already knew, but for some reason, him actually telling us, really got to me. I feel so, so bad. I keep tearing up when I think about it. To make matters worse, the husband just lost his mother after a long battle with cancer less than a year ago. I feel like it is one thing after another for them.
Now to my actual question...How are we supposed to act towards them? I would love to reach out to Lauren and let her know that I understand how she feels and if there was anything that I could do, I would love to. I know that personally if I was in her shoes, I would want to be left alone. It would hurt me too much to to even have anything to do with a new mother right now. Do you think I am right in just keeping my distance in order to make her not have to be uncomfortable or further upset? Should we not send them the Christmas card with our family & Caroline's pictures on it? Should we stop inviting them to things to further remind them of what they don't have?
Just typing this all out has made me so emotional right now that I have tears in my eyes once again.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How would you handle friends with IF (long)
I'll speak from my experience, which isn't exact infertility, but...I did have a lot of problems TTC. Obviously, I can get pregnant, but, it's such a small window for me that a second child is questionable. My thoughts on the matter may be totally different than those of anyone else that actually is IF, but, here are my thoughts.
Let your friends know that you understand why they have the feelings they have. The worst thing that IF people hear is the "it'll happen when it happens" mentality. Your friends just need to hear that you're sorry it's happened to them and that you're around adn available to listen if they ever need it. Tell them you'd love to have them around for things but will respect their choice to not attend those things that they don't feel comfortable with. You might even ask them if they WANT to still be invited to GTGs....maybe let them have that choice and then it's not on you to feel obligated if they don't want to attend. Tell them out of respect for their feelings, you're willing to not invite them, but to please know that they are ALWAYS welcome to attend whenever they're ready again.
It IS hard to see families with children when you don't think you'll ever be able to have children on your own. It's heartbreaking. I know I pulled away from family and friends for a while. Sometimes I was okay, other times, not so much. IF is a day to day challenge and no one knows what emotion will come out each day.
My honest advice is to reach out and ask how they want you to proceed. You can't hide Caroline, obviously. She's a blessing and your family and you can't keep her from everyone. But, reach out to them and ask what would be the best way to handle things with themmas you don't want to lose them as friends either.
ETA: And as for the Christmas card, can you maybe get them a single card, just signing your names (including Caroline)? I know it's not fair to you to have to do that, but, I think it might be the easiest way for you and them.
Katy and Brett ~ Runaway Bay, Jamaica ~ October 4, 2008
Wow, I was totally tearing up just reading that.
I have no experience with IF or even TTC, but I think you guys should definitely keep inviting them to things, maybe with more emphasis on non-baby activities? They're going through such a hard time, and people who are depressed (for whatever reason) can often feel left behind. When they're ready to accept an invitation, they will. Just keep letting them know that it's okay that they don't attend, and that you are there for them when they want to talk, hang out, or anything.
As for the rest of it (reaching out, giving them some distance, Christmas cards) I don't know.
It sounds like you guys are doing your best to be sensitive, which is a wonderful thing. Just keep sending them your T&Ps.
I would get a none photo card just to send to them personally. I think that is what I will do for Eric's cousin that just had a fullterm stillbirth after 3 years off TTC. I think it would be a slap in the face to open a card with a big ol' picture of Alexa on it.
~Kimberly & Eric~ April 21, 2008 ~Tensing Pen ~ Negril, Jamaica ~ My Blog: One Sunset at a Time
I totally agree w/ Kim, you don't really know how she feels but you do understand why she feels how she feels, etc.
We just had some friends lose their daughter & I do not plan on sending them the same Christmas card I plan on sending everyone else--If I were in their shoes, the last thing I would want to see is someone else's happy baby on a card when I just buried mine, JMPO.
I completely worded that wrong. I would never pretend to know how she feels. My thoughts were definitely more along the lines of why she feels how she does. Even if I wasn't able to have another child, I would still never pretend to know what she is going through.
I really appreciate everyone's advice. The single Christmas card is a great idea!
NP, we all do it.
BTW, I really think talking to her and letting her know that you understand why she feels the way she does may be very beneficial for both of you & the friendship that you guys share may grow even stronger.
Well first off, thank you for thinking about their feelings. I know all you ladies have an appreciation of this that many "fertile myrtles" simply do not. And I agree, as much as someone who hasn't had IF wants to empathize....you can't imagine how it feels. You feel like you will break down with the wrong commercial or email much less telephone call or social gathering. So you insulate yourself as best you can and usually this happens as your aged friends are getting pregnant on their honeymoons. It is awkward for them and for their friends. Frankly its even tough for me as a recovering infertile to be careful around those still struggling. Its a landmine out there!
FWIW, I would have hubby ask her hubby. Ask if it would make them feel bad to keep getting invited? Say they never ever have to say why they decline. I would just hate for them to feel left out if things get better. Secondly if you want to try to connect with her, I think a written note just saying you miss her and if she ever needs to talk or anything, you're there. Don't mention IF (hubby might have said something to your hubby without her knowing). There's nothing you can fix but you can be helpful. If possible, those meetings are easier without your baby but she should know the baby is part of it. To avoid it, she may only email or call you and try to keep the talk of the baby minimal unless she asks. Last, personally I wouldn't feel the need for a separate card. If I can read it, I did. If it was a bad day, I just waited until I could.