What would you do? Sensitive Nanny & TV
BabyButler2010
member
Hi ladies, (I aplogize...this is a long one)
So, when my nanny first started I let her know that I wasn't a fan of the tv and didn't think that DS needed to watch it b/c it is super distracting to him- if it is on he constantly is drawn back to looking at it.
A few months ago I went upstairs and noticed tha Nick Jr. was on and I told her that he really didn't need to watch cartoons b/c he was so young. Well, over th next few weeks she would tell me how there were educational shows teaching sharing, counting, etc. I didn't say anything b/c I wasn't sure what to say...her feelings are hurt very easily so I needed to think it through...in the meatime the tv, specifically Nick Jr., started being on ALL.DAY.LONG. Now, keep in mind that she is playing with him every time that I go upstairs...reading to him, on the floor with him, etc. But I still don't think that the tv should be on 8 hours a day.
DS had his 6month appt. which presented the perfect opportunity for me to revisit the tv conversation with my nanny. I told her that his pedi thought it was best if he get no more than 30 minutes of time with the tv on each day whether it was a show for him or a show that one of us was watching...tv is tv...so I set her up with music and told her that during the long weekend DH and I kept the tv off during the day and only turne it on if DS was napping...she was welcome to do the same.
She has seemed miserable since I told her this yesterday and barely says anything to me now- it is so awkward. I went up to nurse DS at 11 and asked how his morning was going and she said that he has been ok, but seems bored...yesterday she said that he keeps looking at the tv like he wants her to turn it on.
She is a very sweet lady in her 60s who is realy great with DS in every other way- and she is a friend from church, so I really want this to work out. I don't think I can take her being miserable every day though....please share your thoughts...what would you do, if anything?
Oh I should also share that although she had a book with her and I told her she could turn the tv on when I am nursing DS or he is sleeping, she simply sat on the couch and stared at the wall looking upset. I feel badly that she is upset, but don't know if I should say something or just ignore it....
If you managed to read this entire post, THANK YOU.
Hoping some of you have advice that will help me...I usually don't have a problem dealing with things like this, but she is hurt so easily that I am afraid of saying the wrong thing...plus finding a new nanny who we trust would be a nightmare...and we do trust her... TIA
Re: What would you do? Sensitive Nanny & TV
I wish I could offer you good advice but I don't know what to say. I'm kind of going through the same thing with my parents. They come to my house to watch my DD every day and they keep the tv on. While I tell them (over and over and over) that I don't want her watching tv, they insist that the tv is not on for her but for them. They even turn her away and play or read with her back to the tv. Like you said, I think tv is tv regardless of who is watching it.
Something this new mom in me has learned is that (1) I have to pick my battles because I REALLY love having my parents watch my DD and (2) I watched tv CONSTANTLY as a kid and I don't think it has affected my growth/knowledge/love of learning/etc. Maybe?? ;-)
GL! I look forward to reading the responses to your post.
My Angel Baby -- BFP 12/28/10, EDD 09/07/11, D&C 02/28/11 -- I miss you everyday!
How exactly does a 6 month old seem bored?
I really don't have any suggestions, I am HORRIBLE with sensitive people. Hopefully someone else does.
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
Thanks
I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone- My husband and I both also grew up watching tv...lots of it, so maybe this is a battle that I should give up...I'm hoping that some of the Momma's on here will have some advice that will help us...guess we can both wait and see 
LOL! This is exactly what I said to DH when I called him...I think that was passive agressive way for her to say "I'm bored" b/c DS has never appeared bored when we are home with him all day....I held myself back from making any sort of snarky comment but I thought the same thing that you did.
Actually I wouldn't give in on this point. If it was an hour or 2 as opposed to 30 mins, then yeah. But there is nothing good about having the TV on all freaking day. Background noise from TVs, radios, etc. have been shown to affect language development - basically LOs can't differentiate between background noise & the person speaking to them that well until they're like 7 or something. Not too mention the links between too much TV & ADHD, etc.
I may get flamed for this, but I would personally stick to my guns on that one. We did "x" & turned out fine doesn't make it okay, kwim? If she's sensitive, maybe sit down & show her some research & why it's that important to you. Let her know that you think she does a wonderful job with your LO, & that you aren't trying to criticize her, but it's really important to you.
I think this is exactly it. She is bored. Not that taking care of your son is boring but a lot of people, myself included, use the T.V. for a source of comfort. DH was gone a few weekends ago and on the thrid night of eating dinner alone with DD I pulled the highchair into the living room, turned it so she was facing me on the couch and ate in there with the T.V. on. Even though DD talks and is quiote active at dinner it was a little lonely.
Maybe you can work on suggesting more activities for them to do together? I know it is hard at this age but even a new book or two can spice up the day.
Thanks WebMistress- I agree and DH just did some of his own research (which he usually relies on me to do) and is on board with not budging on this one...now we just need to find a way to make her day more enjoyable b/c she really is amazing and we love her dearly.
Good idea
Hmm...maybe a trip to the library each week would be something fun...it is right down the street from us and they have story time once a week as well.
It is so hard to tiptoe around her feelings- I'm sorry you have to deal with the same thing b/c it really makes me feel so frustrated. It seems like she really thinks I am "picking" on her when I tell her anything about how we like to do things. We really adore her and want for her to be happy while she is here, so I guess I'm going to need to get better at tiptoeing while still sticking to my guns about certain things
But I do think there is a difference between turning on the TV for yourself during dinner when your DH has been gone and you're "on" 24 hours a day vs. a nanny who is there for a limited number of hours to care for your child. . . and has even been told she can watch TV when the baby is napping/nursing.
I have actually had multiple friends with "grandmother age" nannies who have had the same problem. . . they all seemed to keep the TV on all the time and had the "I know best because I'm your elder" mindset. In all my friends cases, they found new nannies.
We had a nanny when DD was young. She was about 27 years old and perfect. No TV. She limited her computer time to naptimes. Took DD to the park or on a walk nearly every day. Listened to music. Took her to the children's museum/library/whatever.
You are paying for a service. TV for such a young child is not something I'd budge on. They're not learning from it at 6 months, they're watching the colors and movement of pictures.
I really like your idea of making sure she realizes that her time when I nurse is a break and she can do as she pleases...as well as during his naps
I'll try that. And I'll look into the gymboree type classes- not sure if we have anything in the area, but it is definitely worth looking into 
I'm so grateful for everyones thoughtful responses...this is helping a ton.
We had a nanny (the same one) 2 years and it was not not not easy handling these things (at least for me). Remember that you are the parent and if you feel strongly about something, like no tv, that is the way it must be. I would be careful with her (which you sound like you are trying to do), but if she chooses to be offended that you want your child to be cared for your way, that will eventually be a deal breaker.
Say something. You NEED good communication and the ability to tell her things she doesn't want to hear (and vice versa). I think you and your husband should arrange time for you, DH and nanny to talk about communication. Raising a child is done differently in every house, sometimes differently by child and it is only natural that there be different opinions about things from time to time (you, DH, nanny, etc.) You welcome her thoughts about DS, and you will take them into consideration, but decisions about what is right for DS need to be made by you and DH and sometimes executed by her (even when she might have made different decisions if DS was her child). Does she agree with that (if not, huge problem)? Most likely she would agree with that and I think you can make this a positive conversation and ultimately have her tell you how SHE wants you to communicate with her when you need things done differently? When there are 5 arguably "right" ways of doing something and you want to be consistent, your way should be the way everyone does it.
NOT okay that she went against your initial instructions and then continued to push after you re-communicated the rule. She is really pushing to have her way here. Next time, IMO you need to say something if she is talking about pushing boundaries you find unacceptable. "Yes, DH and I have read/heard about that, but in our home we have decided no TV for babies or toddlers" (or something like that).
IMO, immature for a 60 year old to pout because she didn't get her way. But preserve the relationship, have the conversation mentioned above and tell her that you sense she is upset with you and ask her if there is a better way for you to handle those differences in opinion. Are you kidding me? This makes me mad, pure manipulation. BS. She wants the TV on.One more thing- I suggest that you resist the impulse to explain the reasoning behind your decisions to her (or really anyone other than between you and DH). It is very hard, especially for a new mom because you put a lot of thought into things and it seems like a good idea to discuss it. But I have found that such explanations leave room for potential for arguments and other unrelated problems. For example, if you show her the studies linking TV hours to ADD, she might argue an alternate viewpoint OR she may feel guilty about all the hours of TV her kids watched and be defensive (especially if a child did have ADD) other emotions totally unrelated to you and your family. Instead, state the rules of the house as they arise, instruct on ways to implement (if needed), try to communicate respect for her thoughts, but make sure she knows that you always rely on her to support consistency and the rules you have in place in your house (refer to conversation in paragraph above).
Wow, this is long, I hope it helps because I am using up precious precious nap time to write this!
I haven't read through all the responses, but the TV issue was pretty easy to deal with in our house with sitters. We don't have cable and it's a real PITA to hook up our converter box to get an image on the set. I can't even manage to do it very efficiently on my own. Our DVD player isn't usually hooked up to the TV set, either.
So, basically, someone would have to be REALLY motivated to turn on the TV successfully in my house (which my parents are, but never any of our sitters).
As for the sitting and sulking issue, don't let her bully you. I had a nanny who did the sulking thing when she wasn't happy about something and she didn't last long with us. The two sitters we use now have been with us for over a year and never sulk. It's completely unprofessional, IMO.
I read through the responses now and think the "we turned out ok even though we watched lots of TV" argument doesn't hold any water. It isn't about whether you turned out okay or not, it's about your wishes as a parent being respected. This is partially a boundary issue and if you don't make it very clear that you want your wishes respected, you're opening the door to further transgressions. It shouldn't matter at all what your "reasons" are for not wanting your child to watch a lot of TV, it should only matter that this is important to you and your husband.
I would say this about grandparents watching children as well as paid employees, but might be a little more lenient with someone who only watches your child once in a blue moon vs. on a regular basis. Do I get annoyed when my parents watch DD and have the TV on all the time? Yes. But I tend to "pick my battles" since they only ever babysit her once every 2 or 3 months (if that). However, when it comes to regular care, this would be non-negotiable.
I nannied for a TV-free family and another family that watched almost no TV. I easily made do, since that was my job! It sounds like maybe she needs some ideas for how to fill her and baby?s day without TV. Getting used to the silence and filling the time (and not being subconciously tethered to the room where the TV is) does feel awkward at first when someone is used to turning on the TV as a default. But, that is ok!
Her job is to care for the child in the way that is acceptable to you. You have no reason to feel guilty as long as you are speaking to her with respect. It is ok for her to be upset! We all need to be corrected when we are doing our jobs improperly, and it is totally normal for a conscientious employee to feel upset when corrected.
If you want to explain yourself better to her, you may want to read (and have her read) the APA?s stance (zero TV under age 2), check out a book like Buy, Buy, Baby which will creep you out 100% about marketing to kids that is done through TV and other venues, and read Nurture Shock which talks about the farce of most ?educational? television (if a 30 minute show has 20 minutes of conflict as part of the plot and 10 minutes of resolution, it teaches kids more about conflict than anything else, since young children lack the ability to connect the ?dots? over 30 minutes.)
More Green For Less Green
Oh Bride2b2004, this was great advice. I think you are right that explaining the situation opens it up for debate so I'm giong to try and avoid that
Really appreciate that point for sure. And- you stated exactly how I was feeling about the pouting...I am not a snarky person by nature...I tend to be very kind in general, but I was sooo annoyed with her sulking that I had to be cautious not to say anything that I'd regret. I think the weekly/monthly communication mtgs. are a good idea as well.
Hope that you got a great nap in! Thanks for cutting into nap time with this post- I appreciate it
I love that you don't have your tv hooked up- we had no cable for years and then before DS was born I had a moment of weakness and wanted to get direct tv b/c there was a great "deal" and I thoguht the cooking channel would be fun to have----well- we tried to cancel it b/c we don't really watch it ourselves and we are in a contract until January 2012...so tv is here to stay until the
But, maybe we'll just leave everything unplugged like you after that- very liberating 
And yes- I felt like the sulking was super unprofessional, but really love her as a friend and person in general so it is tough to just call her out on it the way I might if she were simply an employee..kwim?
Thanks for the book suggestions! I'll definitely be checking them out
After Bride2b2004's post, I'm not sure that I'll explain our reasoning, but I still like to arm myself with knowledge incase the urge to explain myself ever arises (which it usually does).
I would stick to your guns on this one. I didn't grow up watching much TV but DH did and he has it on all the time as background noise. I'm constantly having to ask him to turn it off...he honestly doesn't even realize it's on sometimes. But I feel strongly that DD not watch TV or have it on excessively.
I think if I were in your situation I would ask the friend/nanny if something is bothering her. Maybe that will open the dialogue. It is probably not about the TV but rather about how she feels about being told what to do (not that you shouldn't tell her - you should - you're the parent!).
I'm going to check out those books too! My mom keeps telling me that TV actually inhibits the neurons connecting in a baby's brain....or something like that. Bottom line, it can be harmful to their development.
Oh and my MIL smoked all through two pregnancies and DH is fine, but I wouldn't use that as a reason to smoke through a pregnancy! (Not that I ever smoke...ew).
I've been a nanny for years, and was very guilty of having the tv on. However, the parents I worked for always had the tv on too, so I wasn't going against their wishes moreso just doing what they were doing. For me it was something to help me pass the time. I nannied for one family who wouldn't let me leave the house even to go on a walk. We were only allowed in the playroom, nursery, and kitchen only to make bottles/lunch. It was like jail and the tv helped. I doubt you are doing this to your nanny though, lol....
bottom line, your baby your decisions. TV isn't a big deal to me personally, but if it is to you she should respect your wishes without sulking...
I guess the TV helped me feel like the day was moving on. Without the TV on it was easy to feel like time wasn't passing at all. Does that make sense? Maybe suggest some sort of schedule. Walk at 10:30am, library at 3, reading books, tummy time, and etc. You could even let her decide when she wants to do each activity... I would even consider saying something like, "I know when the tv is on it helps give me a sense of time passing by, perhaps you would like to create a flexible schedule of these activities so that you have the same feelings that the TV offers.
Another thing to remember is that although time may pass quickly for you when you are playing with LO, it may not for her. She may totally love your baby and enjoy being with him, but she still has her own family and life that she is looking forward to going home to at the end of the day. I'm assuming she's a live-out nanny....
As long as the sitter is following your directions, I wouldn't bring it up again and wait for it to blow over. I'd doubt anything you'd say about it would change her mind about whether or not it's wrong to let a baby watch TV. If she's just sulking she'll get over it in a few days and adjust to a new routine. If she's going to hold a grudge, I'd guess you'll be looking for a new nanny soon regardless.
GL! Hopefully it's just the former.
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Don't know if I have any useful advice, but it sounds to me like you nanny is bored without the TV, not your son. Most pediatricians and child development specialists recommend NO television for children at all before the age of 2, and then no more than 30 mins per day. My 4 year old son does watch some TV in the afternoons--more than I would prefer, honestly--but he loves it, of course, and with a new baby, I don't have as much time to try to engage him in other activities.
I might find some articles online about TV 'recommendations' (or lack of TV recommendations) for young children, and share those with your nanny. Also, you could just be direct with her--"You seem a little upset-is everything ok?"--and try to open up a dialogue. Explain that a 6 month old baby has no real concept of what they're seeing on TV, and that you feel having the TV constantly on is a big distraction-both for you and your son (who reads a book while watching TV, anyway?). Maybe you could get some kid cds that she can play during the day.
Ultimately, you are the parent, and she should respect your wishes in regards to TV use (and everything else regarding your baby's care).
Good luck!
Lori
Wife to Morgan, Mom to Sebastian Gabriel (10.06.06) and
Julian Elliott (11.04.10)