Attachment Parenting
blog: www.thesmoreslife.blogspot.com
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comments from a friend
I just got off the phone with a very good friend who will be coming to visit soon. After a few comments she made, I'm a little worried about more to come when she's actually here. She's very young and does not have any children of her own, however, she does have a much younger brother that she has always helped to take care of, which probably makes her think she has authority to say things about parenting and what not. Plus, she is very outspoken. Anyway, I was telling her how Lyla hated her carseat and was screaming the whole time we had her in the car so we switched to a different one, and she said "well it's probably because she's so F***ing spoiled....you hold her all the time don't you?" I didn't really know what to say to that...I was like "Yes we hold her a lot. But I think she hated the bucket carseat probably bc she was in pain from her reflux. Now she is fine in her convertible carseat." Her comments are just so blunt. What would you say to her/how would you deal with someone like this? I need to prepare myself for her visit since I'm not a very quick or witty responder to people like this.
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Re: comments from a friend
um, i think i would say something along the lines of "are you f*cking kidding me, you can't spoil a baby, dimwit." but i don't necessarily think that's the best way to handle the situation.
Maybe you could nicely point out that "helping" with her brother does not equate to having a children. I helped with my brothers (there is a 20 year difference there) and it is not the same as having your own kid.
Also, explain to her attachment, how attachment works, and that your parenting is not up for discussion.
First of all, good luck. Secondly, however, she may surprise you by not having much more to say when she is actually with you. A friend of mine who is notoriously outspoken about everything and anything came to stay with us last December and was surprisingly effusive about how cute and well-behaved DD was, with not a word to say about how we "spoil" her or any of the other things I feared.
By the way, your friend would probably die a slow death if she found out we only ever used our infant car seat TWICE (and one of those times was coming home from the hospital) because DD hated it so much. She hated the stroller, too, so we basically carried her or wore her everywhere for the first 6 or 7 months of her life.
lol, this!! I have friends who have said similiar things to me, and although I don't cuss back at them, I am usually pretty blunt about my feelings. I fyou don't want to be quite so rude, lol, you could always do the whole "This is what works best for our family, when you have kids you can decide what works best for you."
I was wondering/hoping the same thing about her being different when she is actually here.
DD hates her stroller now too, I used it to take her on little walks and now that's not really possible anymore, plus I think it's better to wear her at this age anyhow so she can see things around her. When she's in the bucket seat in her stroller she can't see anything besides me.
I agree. I'm definitely going to have to do some explaining to her when she is here, bc I know for a fact she doesn't know anything about AP.
LOL
I would have said "She's not spoiled, she's a baby! When you have kids of your own, I'm not going to criticize your decisions so please don't criticize mine."
I hope everything goes well when she visits, but if she says anything else that bugs you just tell her. She may not even know she's being hurtful.
Very true. Thanks- I hope it goes well too.
Thanks...actually she is a pretty argumentative and stubborn person, so we probably would end up getting into it if I got too preachy...I'm just going to have to keep my cool and I like the idea of reacting to the degree of her comments.
I like the word 'momjack' LOL I have never heard that one before
I'd tell her to keep her comments to herself or to take a long walk off a short cliff.
I just have very little patience for people who feel it's ok to make comments like that.
This. I have a friend who has nannied for 20+ years w/out kids of her own and thinks she has parenting all figured out. She had nothing but fabulous things to say about how well I was doing with M and on and on. She then went on to *assume* this was all because I had a strict schedule, let him CIO, didn't hold him all the time, didn't feed on demand etc. It was great :-)
LOL!!
Wow!! That is great.
Ding Ding Ding, lol.
I did this. Minus the "f*in kidding" part, replacing "dimwit" with "you moron."
I guess I'm kind of blunt too.
If you're looking for the nice thing to say, how about "Food spoils when you forget about it and leave it in the fridge for 2 months. Kids are like peaches; eat 'em up while they're fresh!"
Or, circumvent the whole thing and make this your FB profile pic for a week.
https://theparentingpit.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/final_atparent.jpg
Obviously you are friends with this chick for a reason so I'm going to assume she isn't a total beeotch.
I have a friend who was exactly like this when J was small. She has no kids, she just think she knows everything.
I blew her off a few times, but I eventually snapped and told her exactly what I though of CIO, etc and that we were AP'ers. And she was confused. I never really talked about my parenting philosophy with her as she has no kids and she really just didn't get why everyone didn't CIO, etc.
So I told her, and continue to tell her whenever she raises an eyebrow. And she has been really receptive and interested in AP parenting. No, I don't have to explain anything to her, but I have no problem telling anyone why I believe what I believe and that I take parenting my boys very seriously.
I know she still thinks I'm a little strange, like J weaning himself at 3, but now she not only gets AP, but respects me and my parenting enough to ask a question if she's curious or keep her yap shut if she doesn't agree. She even asks to wear S whenever we go out together,
Soooo, I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt. If she makes another comment like that tell her honestly why you feel that you can't spoil a baby and that holding her constantly is part of your parenting philosophy not a bad habit.
I do think that those without kids don't really *get* that stupid comments like that can be really hurtful and not just like "Oh you should use X detergent, its so much better". YKWIM?
as my daughters pediatrician said "to spoil means to leave alone to rot" spoiling a child would be the opposite of holding them all the time. A baby needs to be held and loved and there is nothing wrong with holding your baby even if its all the time. My mother would give me hell when my daughter was a newborn and I would hold her all the time even when she slept.
If i were in your situation I would probably just tell her that what she said was hurtful and disrespectful and it wont be tolerated. Friends are friends and sometimes they think they can say just about anything but there are boundries and I dont let anyone cross the line when it comes to my child
If she says "well its probably because you hold her all the f**in time dont you?"
Say " Excuse me? I would appreciate it if you would speak to me in a respectful way. Thanks. And yes we do hold her but I feel her screaming was due to ectect......"
That comment you wrote just sounds soooo rude. Tell her to talk to you like a respectful adult or not at all. Dont let her bully you. Ugh I dont understand where ppl get off talking to thier "friends" that way.
Haha you're right! yay!
That is awesome! Love it.
Yep. My friend definitely thinks she knows everything.
I know. That is the way she is. I don't get it either, bc I don't talk to any of my friends like that. She is just a hard person to stand up to I guess, and I think she knows that.
i heart this.
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If it helps, I have a very close friend who is also very young. She's says stupid things all the time. But in the end, I have found that she also says things about how much she respects my choices.
Good luck. In the end, you are the parent. Tell her that.