How to deal with BM? (sorry long)
This may be part vent but also partial advice needed?
Here's the story:
DH and BM have two girls, have been divorced 5 years (they were married 2 1/2 yrs). We are married 1 month but have been together for 3 years, friends for 4. We have 50/50 custody (week on, week off). DH pays $1000/month in child support. She ended the relationship and kicked DH out of the home. In the divorce, he gifted her everything and started over. My DH is a wonderful man and he wanted to make sure his children would have a comfortable residence during the 50% of the time they spend with their mother. I am probably biased in this, but he is most definitely a dedicated father and would do anything for those two.
So, here's the problem: She's a very difficult person to talk with. She was sick this week and has called him numerous times "to chat". He doesn't want to have that type of relationship with her, and wants to keep all conversations related to the kids. So she leads in with child related stuff but then turns personal. She also told him 1 month before our wedding that she desperately wanted to get back together with him (dispite having a long term boyfriend at that time).
But I'm going off on a tangent. So she asked for "help" with the kids last night by saying "How are they at your house? Are they messy?" He responded that of course they were messy, they are 6 and 5 years old and need to be told to clean up after themselves. She thinks they should just do it automatically out of respect for her and her household and demanded that he yell at them (over the phone) to clean up her house. Her logic for this being that she was feeling under the weather. He declined, explaining to her that he would encourage them to be clean at our home but by getting on the phone and getting mad at the kids while at her house, he would be undermining her authority.
That's when she went off the deep end and accused him of being a terrible father and a completely selfish man. He explained to her that if she was going to continue that line of dialogue he would be getting off the phone and he eventually did.
Now the text messages start coming about "How dare you not help me out when I'm helping you out on your honey moon" (she is taking them for 6 extra days that we are actually making up by taking them for 3 weeks in December, and I mean, come on... they're your children! Shouldn't you be happy to have them?)... and "i'm sick and you're selfish dad, you need to co parent with me and you're a terrible father". So he tried communicating via text that we are willing and able to help her out when she is sick. We always love having the kids over and will come and pick them up in a heart beat if she needs rest to recuperate, but my DH will not yell at them over the phone while they are at her house and please respect that. We then get back "I don't trust you. You are out to get me and they like it better here anyway and I am a wonderful mother and successful"
So I guess I'm looking for advice here. She does this sort of thing every couple of months for a couple of weeks and it's stressful when she does it. We are pretty sure she flies off the handle in front of the kids and we aren't comfortable with that and have asked her to make sure she is in a different room when accusing DH of being a terrible father as we are always very diligent not to discuss BM in front of the children. How would you handle this woman? Were we wrong in this situation?
Re: How to deal with BM? (sorry long)
At least you have 50/50 custody, so the kids should know exactly what kind of father your H is--they don't have to rely on BM's take on the situation.
In terms of her behavior, it sounds to me like she is trying to make him act as though they're still a unified pair. Why else would she try to force him to parent over the phone while the kids are at her house? I think she's trying to to create drama in a way that will get your H to help her and thus strengthen whatever bond she sees in her crazy head. Then when he doesn't do it, she reacts emotionally and childishly.
Your H is responding in exactly the right way, and I think he should keep trying to not engage her. Hopefully she'll grow out of the behavior. Until then, keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!
Of course you weren't wrong.
When BM is not sick, your DH needs to send her an email explaining you are happy to take the children when she is under the weather so she has time to get well.
You could try asking her plainly to stop sending accusative or rude texts,but I think you'll only get more negative responses. I think the best response to her crazy texts and multiple phone calls is no response at all. She's like a child - acting out for any type of attention, and as long as she's getting attention, she'll keep doing it.
You ignore it unless it is having an effect on the children. You cannot control how someone else behaves, or make her stop beingthe way she is. Your H has the power to get off the phone with her when things take a personal turn.
As for her wanting him back a month before your wedding-eh, I think that happens to a lot of people. I know when H and his ex finally went to court to finalize their divorce (after being seperated for 6 years, and fighting like rabid dogs) she told him that she still loved him and that they didn't have to divorce. Ummmmm, ok. But I do think it's normal and even slightly understandable, especially when kids are involved.
I don't think he was wrong to offer to take the kids while she is sick. I think it's the right thing to do. HOw she reacts to that is on her.
Thank you for the input!
It's nice to get an outsider opinion. I tried to be as unbiased as possible in my post and when you get bombarded with accusations, it seems natural to question them.
Thanks
You aren't wrong. She is being unreasonable and spiteful.
You should ignore it, but document it. If you haven't made a dispute notebook yet, I would start one. Every conversation, every text. If may seem like a lot of work but there are different electronic ways of documenting the texts, and it helps limit the conversations they have about non-kid subjects. There is no telling how an erratic woman like this is going to act in the future. She may get worse as she realizes that she isn't going to get your DH back. If she starts to bad mouth you and your DH to the kids or if she decides to fight for full custody, then you will have proof of her questionable behavior.
Check us out
I actually agree, and meant to say the same thing. It's not really a big deal for him to say hey help out your Mom. I know that H has had to do the same thing with SS. It's good to present a unified front. But I also think that offering to take the kids while she wasn't feeling well was also the right thing to do.
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
But they aren't together? I should think that if you have the energy to verbally assault your ex husband you should be able to ask your children to clean up after themselves? I do it all the time. It's really easy: "Please clean up your mess"
I should have mentioned that she yelled at the kids while on the phone with my H and then asked him to do the same. That seems a little excessive for cleaning up a mess.
Eh. We have a silent treatment relationship and my H still tells pinky that she needs to behave herself and clean up after herself and maintain the same personal standards no matter where she is. Just because she's at daddy's house doesn't mean she shouldn't clean up after herself, brush her teeth, and chew with her mouth closed.
That being said, your H needs to learn to disengage from the conversation, along with the fine art of faking busy. "Can I call you back later? I'm on my way to such and such?/I will definately address that with the kids."
Click me, click me!
But they ARE still parents of two children.
For the most part H handled the situation appropriately, and I hear what you're saying, but in a way he did kind of show the kids that it's perfectly acceptable to NOT do what mommy says, which DID undermind her authority... Granted, BM shouldn't have been yelling at him or telling him to yell at the kids, but she wasn't feeling well and obviously the fever was making her crazy. It sounds like she's having a hard time dealing with her ex's happiness, a simple case of "I don't want you, but I sure as heck don't want any other woman to have you", and it gets the better of her every now and then. Try not to react to her during these episodes.