I'm a sprinkler... vent

LilMaggs · November 2010

I was doing some shopping in the mall today, and the baby stuff all just got to me. One of those crazy salesmen tried to get my attention, and when I ignored him he stepped in front of me to try and talk to me. I ended up screaming at him to leave me alone, followed by me promptly running off to a bathroom to bawl my eyes out for 30 min.

I don't think I can TTA anymore. I gave up on TTA last month. Logically, I know if I get pregnant now I'm not covered by FMLA since I just started a new job. I KNOW I should get the RPL testing taken care of (waiting until Jan because our insurance goes 100-0 and the copay for an RE drops a lot lower) before I start TTC or I just risk another miscarriage.

Frankly, part of me is starting to wonder if TTC again is even worth it. How many losses does it take before I just need to say enough is enough? How many more can I realistically take before I just break? Three years and nothing to show for it, and it's all just more than I can take today. Tomorrow, I'll probably be fine. But today, I just want to throw in the towel.

Bright side, I have a doc who will finally give me the referral to an RE instead of telling me there's nothing I can do. Part of me just can't help but wonder if there's even anything that can be done. I want to hope so badly, but looking at spending yet another Christmas with an empty ute and broken heart is just more than my fragile threads of hope can take right now. It's like the harder I try to hold on, the more I lose it.

Please don't take me too seriously right now, it's just been a crappy day of FH's and baby stuff everywhere. If you made it through this, thanks. I owe you

TheGregory's07 · November 2010

Lots of hugs.

itsmegin · November 2010

(((HUGS)))

I do take you seriously, you are totally right to feel so down. I have felt similarly and I've only been trying for a little while compared to you. I can't imagine how upset you must be, and rightfully so.

I hope the RE can give you a plan that works.

And those mall kiosk salespeople can be so awful. Going to the mall and seeing baby stuff, baby bellies and babies is hard enough, you don't need to get harassed by high pressure salespeople. I don't blame you for getting mad!

shanna82 · November 2010

I'm sorry for the bad day ((big hugs)) and don't feel bad. I have days like this usually shortly after AF arrives.

just_lurking210 · November 2010

We have all had those "spontaneous crying" events. So sorry that happened.

LilMaggs · November 2010

Thanks

You ladies are the best, I don't know what I'd do without you. I think I'm going to curl up in bed and get as much sleep as I can. Tomorrow is a new day...

rock-elle · November 2010

Oh honey, I'm sorry today was aweful! I hate the pushy sales people that steps in front of you, I get so frustrated by that. They usually get the side eye from me. Hmm

I will remember a saying that I heard frequently from when I was on the mc/pl board. When your want for a family is stronger than your fear of another loss, then you are ready. Hon, maybe take some time to think about this and maybe tomorrow you will feel differrently..But if you truly want a fam of your own, then you have to move forward, at your own pace.

The part you mention about the harder you try and hold on the more you lose it. That happened to me at work, I really feel like I was trying to force control of situations because I was losing every battle at home with my body each month. It just didn't work out so well and I knew it had to change and I'm sure you realize that your situation has to change also because no one will come out a winner with that strategy.

((hus)) I hope things straighten themselves out.

jenniann87 · November 2010

Im sorry you had such a rough day. {{{HUGS}}} I have had a few days where I just want to give up and I think it is normal to have those kind of days.

I too hate dealing with those kiosk sales people. They annoy the hell out of me.

haziedaze · November 2010

Just ((HUGS)) I hope tomorrow is better!

allybaby85 · November 2010

so sorry you had a bad day ((hugs)) I hope you feel better soon.

jinx75 · November 2010

I'm sending you a big hug and hoping that today is a better day for you!

nikki04vb · November 2010

This time of year is so hard... I think the stress of the holidays adds to the emotional stress. Try to avoid places that you know are going to upset you. I refuse to go to the mall again until after the new year... babies, toys, santa... awful. Just shop online. Or go to the store at night, during the week when there's no one there.

((((Hugs)))) I know it's hard, but you'll be in to see the RE soon enough and hopefully they can help you and shed a positive light on things.

rvandiver0705 · November 2010

I think this time of year is a bit more overwhelming than not. I know I thought it was a copout, but then Thanksgiving came around, nothing was like I had pictured, and I'm now back to the way I was the weeks immediately after Bryce's death.

I'm taking today to work on some mental pathways of how to deal with stressful days. I find that it is easier for me to do that while I am doing something that relaxes me, so I'll be playing a few hours of Warcraft this afternoon, and then cleaning my kitchen. Maybe you can get a massage, or rent a romantic comedy or two. Or you can just play with us and we will entertain you! Whatever it is, I hope that you feel better soon.

ColleenS629 · November 2010

Hugs! I hope that the RE can get you some answers and a plan that will bring you your take-home baby.

Tapatio · November 2010

((hugs))

We all have bad days. The TTC journey is a b!tch! I don't blame you for going off on that pushy sales person...he probably deserved it anyway

Thank goodness you have an RE referral at your disposal. I know when I spoke with my doctor about my history I was simultaneously relieved yet deeply saddened by having to be referred. Once I saw the specialist and we discussed my options I felt better about having a plan in place. I was, however, a weepy mess for a while because I kept dwelling on how this felt so unfair. Why do FH get pregnant on their first try and get to keep it? Why not me? I know seeing a specialist might feel dreadful but it might also give you some clarity and hope.

I hope you feel better soon. Remember that we're all here for you.

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