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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
Shortycube
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am i wrong?
Shortycube
member
Dh and I are fighting. He wants to move in with his uncle & family but i'm concerned about it because they smoke. However, as of right now this is our only option. The layout of the downstairs is on one side of the stairs there is 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and a small living room area-ish (this is what we would be renting from them). Then on the other side is two bedrooms (which is where his uncle & cousin would be - neither of them smoke) i'm concerned about it beause his other cousin & aunt smoke, quite a bit too. I brought up the idea to dh about maybe suggesting to them that i'm concerned about them smoking. he freaked out at me and said that we just wont move in with them and we will just be on the streets if we can't find a place by the time we have to leave here. was i wrong in being concerned? i just said that maybe we should let them know that i'm worried about it and maybe the would offer smoking outside? i dont know what to do. he's all p!ssed off at me now and isn't talking to me.
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Re: am i wrong?
I mean, I can see where he feels like it would be rude since they're taking you in, but smoking around a baby isn't a good thing, and definitely something to be worried about.
It's not like you're making demands, you just want to voice your concerns. I think DH is overreacting a bit, but he's probably under a lot of stress trying to provide for his family and he doesn't want something to jeopardize your place to live, KWIM?
I can see both sides.
I'm sorry -- I know this isn't your first post about this, so it must be causing you a lot of angst.
If you truly have no other options, I would have a real heart-to-heart with the smokers and try to convince them that they *have* to smoke outside. And preferably change their clothes when they come back inside, if that's not pushing too far. GL!!
I totally understand but his family is pretty cool. they don't smoke in the house when we go there to visit (except when it was warmer and we could just stay outside instead) and they didn't get all bent out of shape when i told them they have to wash their hands or sanitize before holding monster. i honestly feel that if we said that i'm concerned (i even said that i would have no problem telling them that it was me NOT dh) they would try and work something out (ie: opening a window when they smoke or something) i'm just really concerned about it. i didn't grow up with smoking like dh did, it really bothers me and i don't want monster to be exposed to it either. ughh.
i'm not expecting it. i'm just saying that i think we should express that i'm concerned about it. i'm not going to go up to them and tell them they can't smoke. you're right, it's their house - we would be renting from them. I just think that he shouldn't be so against me telling them my concerns.
i'm in tears. i'm soo over all of this.
fvck.
Awww, shorty... just hang in there. This too shall pass, and you WILL figure out a livable arrangement for all. You will.
It sounds like you're in a tough place. I'm sorry I don't have great advice. The smokers that I know would be livid if they were offering a place to stay and in return were expected to change their lifestyle. I don't agree with them....but I just know how they are.
Here are my thoughts. If you truly have no where else to go....smoke while harmful for your baby, is the lesser of two evils to living on the streets. Its not a long term solution though, I would use it as a temporary place to stay until you can find a healthier environment for you guys and for Monster.
I don't know if voicing those concerns will be helpful, its my experience that smokers don't see the issue beyond that its their house and no one can tell them not to smoke there.
If you do end up going to there, I would invest in some air purifiers for your rooms, and spend as much time as possible outside of the common areas.
if we don't by March 1st (i know it's 4 months away but the availibilty of places here totally sucks right now) we're homeless.
yeah, we would be paying.
You've been in the area you would live in, right? Did it smell like smoke in there? If it did, then you can be assured it's going to smell like smoke always, and that it could be worse at times.
I am sorry you are in this situation. I respect that as a mother you are so concerned about your son's well being around the smoke that you are not considering it a proper living situation, and wish more parents were like this when it comes to second hand smoke.
I doubt the smokers would be willing to go outside especially in the winter. However, if they need to rent to you and need the money then maybe they'd consider? Otherwise, is there any type of filter situation out there that you can purchase for your living space?
I guess for me, even a small one room would be better than living with smokers.
Im confused.. I want to offer you advice, but when I know what to say, the story switches up in some way. You said march earlier, no?
I would bring it up. If they have been nice enough not to smoke around Monster before, then I'm sure they would understand now. DF's parents both smoke and so does his sister. Actually, when I got pregnant we were living with SIL and she (only smoked outside) would always put on a sweatshirt or different shirt on when she smoked and then would change it when she came in. She wouldn't touch Michael if she didn't wash her hands either or at least use hand sanitizer.
MIL and FIL try to always change tops, but they smoke a lot and it doesn't always happen, but I appreciate them trying. They also always wash their hands before holding Michael.
We also have a friend named Jello. He used to smoke and he was adamant about not touching Michael until he washed his hands. So I'm sure if they were nice enough before, then it shouldn't be a big deal now.
I think that it's important to say something. Obviously you do too. Wait for your H to calm down before bringing it up again. If it doesn't happen, then at least you know you did what you could, and that will be what counts.
I would just keep looking for something better. If you move in with them do you have to sign a lease? Or are you just renting on a month to month basis? If it is truly your only option, I would say move in for now, and keep looking for something better while you are there.
As for telling them that the smoking concerns you, why wouldn't you tell them? You are paying money to rent that place from them, and you have a small child. Because it is family, and they are likely letting you rent for pretty cheap, I would just bring it up in casual conversation with them. Like, "Im a little concerned about the smoke from upstairs bothering Monster, do you think you will be able to smell it downstairs?" Maybe they would say "If it becomes a problem we could always smoke out the window." or something to that affect. Maybe they will just brush off your concerns and continue to smoke, who knows. I wouldn't go around demanding that they accommodate you, but I see no problem with mentioning it, as you are obviously worried.
March I think is when she needs to be out of her current place. In order to take advantage of this deal with Her DH's family they would need to move in by Dec 1st. If I followed correctly, his family doesn't live there yet either and are looking to start this deal in Dec.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time finding a place to live. I think your DH may be over-reacting, but he probably feels a lot of pressure to find a place to live.
I agree with some PP's suggestions of trying to talk to a realtor, or something like that. If you end up having to move in with DH's uncle, maybe you could invest in an air purifier for Monster's room or just your living area? Maybe you could also bring up your concern and see if they would be willing to smoke outdoors. If you are paying rent, I do think you should at least be able to voice your concern (it doesn't mean that they will agree to change in any way, though--they are the renter so they get to decide the smoking rules, so to speak).
Good luck to you and happy 8 months to Monster.
vegan mama, military wife
A shelter would be a better option than having your child in the house of smokers.
Disgusting.
Ok that makes sense. Shorty, I would continue to look, and just hope that you find something. Is there any way they could wait until march for you to move in, to give you a few months to find somewhere?
What I would do, because IMO, knowing that second hand smoke is sometimes worse, I would let them know your concerns. From what you were saying, they respect their guests and don't smoke inside when people are over. You may be worrying yourself over nothing. It wouldn't hurt to ask.
If they think it is a huge deal, and think you are being unreasonable, I would stay where you're at now and try to find somewhere by march. That is 4 months away, and I am not positive you will find a place but there is a chance. Also, If they are smoking upstairs, and smoke doesn't get downstairs, I would just keep LO down stairs as much as possible. Ask them if they will at least not smoke in the house while your LO is upstairs. I don't see why they wouldn't listen, seeing as an infant is involved. All you can do is talk to them. GL, and HTH!!!
You've never lived in a shelter, have you?
Tell them you would like to keep the smoke as far away from your baby as possible. Someone who is generous enough to offer you a place to live isn't likely to be super put out about something as obvious as keeping smoke away from a baby.
This. I am sure they will have no problem with that. It's a health issue, and they are family. If DH wont bring it up to them, you should. After all is said and done, you are probably working yourself up over nothing
hang in there, mama!
First, I see no harm in asking very nicely if there is anyway they could smoke outside. If they say no, then you have a hard decision. Personally, I would never bring a child in a home where there are smokers but I understand the position you are in. Have you exhausted all your rental options? Renting a 1-bedroom or studio? Extended stay hotels? Renting a house with another couple?
If this is really your only option, can you afford a few air purifiers? They're not cheap...I've seen them for $200-300 but 1 in your living area and 1 in the baby's room should help significantly with the smoke.
I agree with what most PP say. Ask nicely if they will be willing to smoke outside given the risk to Monster's health. If they are compassionate people, they will at least understand why, as a mother, you are asking.
If it were me, and they refuse to smoke outside, I would find other living arrangements. Even if you cannot smell it in the portion of the house that you are staying in, it's still there. Cigarette smoke infiltrates everything in a house, and is not just limited to the area where the cigarette is smoked. For example; my sister is allergic to smoke, and my grandpa smokes in the family room of their house with the door closed. My sister can walk in the front door on the opposite side of the house and still be affected. She may not smell it (although, I can always tell when I am in the house of a smoker) but it is there, and she will have an attack.
If it comes down to the wire and is truly your only option, I would make it as short of a stay as possible, purchase some air purifiers, and spend as little time there as possible.
Good luck!
well that was uncalled for now wasn't it? you don't know the entire sitation - you only know what i have said in this post. however, if you actually read it you would know that i would be paying rent, i'm pretty damn sure that i should get at least the opportunity to express my concerns.And i never said that i would rather live on the streets.