talked with old friend, a little bummed (vent)

LizzyandTim · November 2010

my best friend's birthday is today so we were chatting on the phone (over text) and it came up about how we feel old. I mentioned all the pills i have to take, which brought up not ovulating, which brought up having trouble getting pregnant. She didnt come right out with it, but pretty much tried to talk me out of getting pregnant and then was really trying to talk me out of the pills. She kept saying stuff like "it will happen when it's meant to" and "maybe you just arent ready yet" and "my husband's sister couldnt get pregnant on the pills, but once she quit taking them she couldnt quit having kids and her husband had to get fixed." She is one of the only people i have told we are TTC because i have known her since i was 5 and she lives two time zones away so i figured it was pretty safe, but it proves why i havent told more people. I am just kind of disappointed that she wasnt more supportive. I didnt want to take fertility medication either, but you just have to deal with the hand you are dealt. When I told her i didnt want to be too old when i have kids and she said that her (ex)step mom had an oops baby when she was 40 and loves it. That sounds horrifying to me. My friend never wanted kids, so i dont know if she convinced herself to wait until she was older and was trying to convince me the same thing, or if by saying older women have kids all the time she thought she was being helpful, but i'm just a little bummed that she was trying to talk me out of it, almost making me seem paranoid or something. I was toying with the idea of spilling the beans to my family over the holidays but this has changed my mind.

LizzyandTim · November 2010

update: just got another message that said "some things you have to accept your lack of control over. it will happen when it's meant to." that hurts my feelings.

mariposa_atl · November 2010

Hugs, I am sorry your friend was so insensitive. I am sure she meant well, but people are so ignorant about infertility. No one would tell a diabetic not to take insulin and their blood sugar will go down when "it's meant to happen." I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family because I know I would get similar comments from my friends. If you want her support, maybe you could educate her some.

Itmamma · November 2010

I know how you feel, I have had all the advice I can deal with, including a friend who told me to start filling out adoption paperwork. It used to hurt my feelings, well it still hurts actually but I try to look at it this way. People who have not dealt with IF really can't understand the entire process not to mention the emotions that are associated with it. I think that most people are really trying to help when they give bad advice.

I can remember when I had been trying for ~6-8 months and friends were talking about how her husband had to give her an injection and I said "my husband could never do that" and I was thinking that I would never want to get that far... well look at me now!! I have done up to 4 a day and if I get a bfp I could be injecting myself for up to 8 weeks. dh has also done my IM injections. We all put our foot in our mouths, try no to let it bother you too much and sorry you have to deal with this

genmalone · November 2010

I had to break it down for one of my friends. She meant well but everyone knows that one girl who TTC and couldn't but got KU as soon as she stopped trying. I explained that I have a dx medical condition. If I was just being impatient I'm sure that her suggestion would have merit. I told her how it upset me to hear her trivialize what I'm going through. I went through a list of things she shouldn't say to me. She felt bad and hasn't said anything crazy since.

I have another friend who sent me an email forward of all the reasons why I'm better off without a baby. That hurt! I haven't had the talk with her but its coming.

Good luck!

MBfromBMC · November 2010

As much as these comments hurt us, sometimes I think that our friends and families just don't know what to say. I think "it will happen when it's supposed to" or whatever the comment may be is just one of those meaningless things that people say to make others feel better. Too bad it's exactly what we don't want to hear.

So far, my best buddy through the IF process has been my cousin. She just asks how things are going and keeps optimistic. That's pretty much exactly what I want - someone to know, someone who I don't have to lie to, and someone to be optimistic.

I have even told people before, "Hey, you don't have to feel sorry for me or make me feel better, I would just appreciate if you listened." That stops the comments!

LizzyandTim · November 2010

i'm sure you're all right and she was trying to make me feel better. this particular friend is kind of a know-it-all so i probably just prickle at her comments more than others. all i can do is just keep on keeping on. thanks girls. you always make me feel better.

jiffy-pop · November 2010

Don't let her get you down about your decision to take fertility meds. Having children is a choice for each individual. No one can make that decision for someone else. You know when you're ready for a child, and no one knows better than you do. It sounds to me like she may be a little jealous of you trying to have a baby...

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