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NBR: Don't feel like myself around in laws

Nancy6306Nancy6306 member
in Parenting after 35

DH and I have been married for four and a half years and I'm still not comfortable with my in laws. I just don't feel at liberty to be myself. The feeling is more so with my MIL than with my FIL mainly because my MIL is so opinionated. We are cordial with one another but I think her being opinionated may be a blind spot to her but it's very obvious to me. 

We have a new baby and she is almost 6 weeks old. In the past, we've had Thanksgiving at my in laws house. However, DH insisted we have Thanksgiving at our house this year. He felt it would be easier for family to come to us than for us to pack up and be in someone else's house for numerous hours with a new baby. My MIL almost seemed bothered when she walked in our house. She eventually warmed up when my mom, sister, and brother in law showed up. I feel like the guy in "Meet the Parents". 

I wish I could feel comfortable around my MIL because in so many ways I feel so alone and could use her help. DH always says "Call my mom" when I'm overwhelmed. He doesn't understand that I could never have the relationship with his mother that he does. Sometimes men don't see this. I feel like she is scrutinizing our home when she is here. I feel like I need help just to get the house ready to "accept" any help from her. I know I'm rambling on and all over the place with this post but it's been on my mind, it bothers me, and I just wanted to vent.

And by the way, although she has been good about offering help, she is not always available when I need her. First off, she lives about 30 minutes away. A couple of weeks ago I gave her dates I needed her to watch the new baby, one was for me to attend a parent social at DD#2 preschool and the second is this coming up Wednesday for my 6 week postpartum appointment. She just canceled the latter one on Thanksgiving Day. DH works in a very busy ER from 11-7:30am and sleeps days. I don't have family nearby that I can entrust a new baby with. She is really annoying me. 

Three beautiful girls! DD#1 8-23-01 DD#2 4-25-07 DD#3 10-19-10
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Re: NBR: Don't feel like myself around in laws

  • PeppernutPeppernut

    Much sympathy!

    I'm sorry she cancelled on you for your postpartum appointment... Is it a baby-friendly doctor's office?  

    I think maybe you should cut yourself some slack.  I think a lot of us feel judged and on edge around our MILs, lots of times with justification... but try to remind yourself that she very likely really does want to help.  

    I guess I kind of got lucky in a twisted way, with Rom's mother.  The first time I met her, we were staying at their house and all got food poisoning from dinner at his dad's sister's house.  It hit me first, middle of the night, BOTH ENDS if you catch my drift and I didn't make it to the bathroom.  It's hard to worry about judgement after your MIL has helped you through that kind of thing.  ><

    You might also have a bit of roller coaster hormones making you feel worse, too!  You practically just gave birth!

    Much support, and we're here for you!  :) 

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  • steverstever member
    imagePeppernut:

    Much sympathy!

    I'm sorry she cancelled on you for your postpartum appointment... Is it a baby-friendly doctor's office?  

    I think maybe you should cut yourself some slack.  I think a lot of us feel judged and on edge around our MILs, lots of times with justification... but try to remind yourself that she very likely really does want to help.  

    I guess I kind of got lucky in a twisted way, with Rom's mother.  The first time I met her, we were staying at their house and all got food poisoning from dinner at his dad's sister's house.  It hit me first, middle of the night, BOTH ENDS if you catch my drift and I didn't make it to the bathroom.  It's hard to worry about judgement after your MIL has helped you through that kind of thing.  ><

    You might also have a bit of roller coaster hormones making you feel worse, too!  You practically just gave birth!

    Much support, and we're here for you!  :) 

    Indeed. And OP, I'm sorry you feel that way.

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  • Piranha54Piranha54
    I agree with Amy on many points - I think many of us feel that way around our MIL's...it just sometimes seems like there's always something that isn't quite right, eh?  I also agree that hormones are probably still dancing a jig and not really helping out much, plus, holidays themselves are stressful.  Maybe have her over and make a nice lunch and ask her how she survived DH's babyhood to try and connect.  Also, whenever I ask a family member to help out, I always preface it by saying "if you don't want to it's ok, I can find someone else to help out" (not always so true, but...) and explain your needs and be specific - "it'll take 4 weeks to reschedule in general at my OB's office, so please be sure about this."  You may feel demanding when asking this way, but I find I get better results - and I know my mom now does the same :)  GL and don't stress too much about it.
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  • Nancy6306Nancy6306 member
    You guys are great. I feel better already. I think my hormones are all over the place and can't wait for them to reach their "normal" level. 
    Three beautiful girls! DD#1 8-23-01 DD#2 4-25-07 DD#3 10-19-10
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