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Advice needed on a delicate issue

ScoobyMScoobyM
in Parenting after 35

I'd really like some input on something possibly delicate.  When we change my DD's dirty pull-ups/diapers, she gives us a really hard time cleaning inside her girly parts.  She tenses her legs and holds them clamped closed together.  She will say, "Mommy's not going to do the tickle" which I guess is her way of telling me not to clean in there.  But obviously I have to so she doesn't get an infection.  Here is where I am concerned:

1.  If I have to force her legs apart in order to clean her up, am I going to cause some sort of psychological damage because I am essentially forcing myself upon her private areas?  Is it any better if I persuade her to let me do it?  I feel so weird about this, like I am somehow teaching her it's okay for people to touch her in there.

2.  Do you think I should be concerned that someone else HAS been touching her already and that's why she's so resistant?  Or is it possible it is just uncomfortable when we clean her up?  I think sometimes we might have used a little too much pressure in an effort to make sure she was clean, especially DH.  I just can't think of anyone she spends time with who would have touched her inappropriately, but then again I know just because I can't imagine it doesn't mean someone couldn't have done it.

Oh, and yes, I know she is pretty old to be in diapers still, and we hope to get her potty trained very soon.  It has just been really tough to find the right time to do it;  she wasn't ready till very close to Noah's due date and I just couldn't find the energy to do it while I was soo pregnant; plus I was worried about all the changes coming her way and throwing PTing on top of that.

Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08 Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10 Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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Re: Advice needed on a delicate issue

  • Nancy6306Nancy6306 member

    I was dealing with this very same issue with DD#2 and she recently, like in the last few months, is letting us clean her up without a fight. I know what you mean when you say you have to literally pry her legs open to make sure you've cleaned up everything. I was even afraid to bring it up to her pediatrician thinking they may assume someone had touched her inappropriately. 

    Truly, I don't know where the resistance came from. My kids are almost exclusively under my care since I'm a stay at home mom. I think DD#2 outgrew this just a few months ago (she is now 3 1/2). I don't think you are causing any psychological damage at all. I think you should continue to do what you are doing and talking her through it while you clean her up and letting her know you don't want her to get sick (ie...get an infection). My husband would have to help me many times to make sure she was totally clean and I worried about the same thing. DD#2 now willingly allows us to clean her up properly.

    Lastly, don't feel bad about your daughter still being in diapers. You have to do what works for you. My daughter still uses diapers for nighttime. I want to get her diaper free but like you, having a new baby is more change than they can handle at once.

    Three beautiful girls! DD#1 8-23-01 DD#2 4-25-07 DD#3 10-19-10
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  • Temp159135562506975Temp159135562506975 member

    is "do the tickle" something she would normally say? do you guys say that to her about things? If not- then i'd be a little concerned someone may have touched her... but if it's common for you/her to talk like that then maybe she is just sore/rash and worried about it hurting?

     

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  • ScoobyMScoobyM
    I had never heard the phrase "do the tickle" before she used it in this context, so we did not introduce it to her.  However she frequently says "Mommy's not going to do..." whatever if it is something that she doesn't want us to do (for example, if she wants to sing a song by herself and doesn't want us singing along).  I am going to ask our nanny if she has a similar experience when she does diaper changes. 
    Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08 Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10 Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • Nancy6306Nancy6306 member
    You should definately ask your nanny what her experience is like changing your daughter's diaper. I thought you were her exclusive caretaker for some reason. I agree with the PP that you should look into it a little further if "do the tickle" is not language that you have used with her. 
    Three beautiful girls! DD#1 8-23-01 DD#2 4-25-07 DD#3 10-19-10
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  • peeper72peeper72
    I agree about checking in with the nanny. I think asking your pedi about this isn't a bad thing either - she might tell you that this is perfectly normal, which would be reassuring to hear. I think this reaction must be somewhat normal for all kids to go through, isn't it? Ada has been doing this for months (without the words). Like you, I wondered if I was causing some harm to her by just getting the job done.
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  • ScoobyMScoobyM

    Thanks, ladies!  I talked to DH about this last night and he mentioned that Ellie referenced her preschool teacher and "the tickle", so we are thinking that may be a phrase her teacher is using when she changes her diaper at school.  We tried asking Ellie today who tickles her but she just told us Mommy and Daddy.  So, I will also be asking her teacher about this next week when she goes to school just to confirm that it is a phrase that she uses.  DH and I think that it is probably just that it feels weird or maybe a bit uncomfortable when we are cleaning her up.

    I like the idea of asking her pedi too;  I will be seeing him for Noah's 2 month checkup Monday and hopefully can just ask the quick question about Ellie.  I am reassured to hear other kids have similar reactions though; Ellie is a totally happy kid and doesn't seem to have any other unusual behaviors that might make me think she is being abused somehow, so hopefully this is just a typical thing for her age.

    Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08 Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10 Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • Temp159135562506975Temp159135562506975 member

    wait- i'm confused... she has a nanny and goes to preschool?  Does the nanny ever let a boyfriend/husband come over? I would really question that... it's rare for women to sexually abuse children - but it can happen, too... but often it's a boyfriend/husband that gets access to a child in that way.

    i also thought you were the only person watch her, the way you worded the first post... but she's apparently out of your care a lot - which would make me more concerned.... i'd be looking into that a LOT to make sure nothing is happening to her.... chances are all is fine- but i would not want to miss an opportunity to figure out if something WAS going on, ya know?

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