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In-law vent: would you be annoyed?

Lori98Lori98
in 3rd Trimester

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my second son and also happen to be sick as a dog right now. AGES ago DH and I both decided that this year we would postpone the holidays, so instead of traveling (at 39 weeks pregnant) for Thanksgiving and Christmas (with a newborn and a toddler), we would simply do the holidays as a new family of four in our own home. My parents understood immediately and said they would visit for a day with gifts and food, etc. My in-laws, however, have had a really hard time accepting this and have been needling and needling and asking and badgering about getting together. I told them time and again that in TWO weeks we could all be together and they could meet their new grandson. Apparently not good enough. 

They sent an email to DH telling them they made reservations for a restaurant here in our town for tomorrow and that afterward they would come to our house "just for a bit." This part I love: "She can stay home, and when we come over, she can go upstairs and rest." I am so annoyed I can barely see straight. And instead of telling his parents no, DH agreed to this without even asking me first. 

 Did I mention that I also fell down the stairs on Tuesday and had to spend the day in L&D.

So here's the question...would you go to this stupid lunch or stay home? 

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Re: In-law vent: would you be annoyed?

  • knvalenknvalen
    I wouldn't go, You told them you didn't want company for the holidays until after the baby was born. I would sit and have a talk with your husband and explain to him that your wishes should come first since you are his wife and that its a bit disrespectful to put your no in laws wishes before yours.
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  • DaniGirl0517DaniGirl0517 member

    Here's the thing.  Even though he is your DH he is their "baby" and they will never see it differently.  In their minds he was their baby first and they still get a say in his life or they may even think their position means more or makes more sense than yours.  Not all in laws are like this, but many are.  Unfortunately I have some similar types.

    If you tell him to cancel or you stay home and he goes, you lose and look like the bad guy.  If you go, then see you were silly to be upset (In the IL's mind), you lose.  There is no way to win and either way they will continue this behavior forever.  IMHO the best solution is decide how you feel that day and if you are up to it then go to the lunch (order something $$ if they are buying) and make it clear to DH that you are not happy with this arrangement and these things need to be a joint decision in the future even if he doesn't think it needs to be discussed.  With my DH that means being somewhat of a nag unfortunately because even when I think something is clear, and he repeats and understands, he "forgets" or "thinks I meant something else" by the time the next situation occurs. If your DH does get it for the next time, he needs to make the IL's see that you come to decisions they don't like together, you aren't the bad guy, he is going against them too.  Okay this is long and I guess I'm seeing too much of our own situations in this.  Hope all goes well.

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  • erbearerbear member
    imageDaniGirl0517:

    Here's the thing.  Even though he is your DH he is their "baby" and they will never see it differently.  In their minds he was their baby first and they still get a say in his life or they may even think their position means more or makes more sense than yours.  Not all in laws are like this, but many are.  Unfortunately I have some similar types.

    If you tell him to cancel or you stay home and he goes, you lose and look like the bad guy.  If you go, then see you were silly to be upset (In the IL's mind), you lose.  There is no way to win and either way they will continue this behavior forever.  IMHO the best solution is decide how you feel that day and if you are up to it then go to the lunch (order something $$ if they are buying) and make it clear to DH that you are not happy with this arrangement and these things need to be a joint decision in the future even if he doesn't think it needs to be discussed.  With my DH that means being somewhat of a nag unfortunately because even when I think something is clear, and he repeats and understands, he "forgets" or "thinks I meant something else" by the time the next situation occurs. If your DH does get it for the next time, he needs to make the IL's see that you come to decisions they don't like together, you aren't the bad guy, he is going against them too.  Okay this is long and I guess I'm seeing too much of our own situations in this.  Hope all goes well.

    I agree. Yes, I'd be annoyed but I'd go. I'd let dh know I was annoyed but not a big enough deal to me to push it.
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  • TiffanyTheMomTiffanyTheMom member
    Honestly, if I were feeling fine, I'd go. And since they're paying (rules of etiquette state the invitees to lunch/dinner/food state they pay unless stated at the invitation otherwise) I'd buy something pricey too, like a PP said. Then, when you get home, go upstairs and rest. Let them handle whatever previous children you have, and take a nap and then a long bath and then read some good mags. Stay up there. Let him have time with his parents. You don't have to play hostess to them.
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  • NurselorieNurselorie

    I'd be really annoyed.  Your DH should have said no.  Now that he hasn't, I wouldn't go.  And I wouldn't do a damn thing for them coming over "for a bit".  No cleaning, nothing.  I'd be upstairs. 

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  • OliveBabyOliveBaby member
    I would definitely be annoyed, but I would still probably go. As PP said, for the free food. ;)
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  • dee1369dee1369
    Well... I never pass up free food... but I would be annoyed. I'd go to the meal but I wouldn't socialize after. I have done this before when I've made it clear I don't want company and end up with it anyway. My ILs hate it, but I am not a very social person so they understand for the most part.
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  • Jenniferk08Jenniferk08 member

    He is their son so of course they would want to see him around the holidays.  They are trying to make things easier on you by traveling there instead of you traveling.  If you are up to it then I would go to lunch and you can always nap when you get home. 

    Also while your H should have talked to you about it these are still his parents.  Tell him if they are coming then he needs to bring in someone to clean the house and he'll need to prep things for them at the house. 

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  • Mummybear4Mummybear4

    It sound's as though my MIL has an evil twin We have been here so many time's in our 13 yr marriage and 21 yrs together. He (Hubster) has learnt He doens't split the family up by going out for lunch with just her OR meeting with out me BECAUSE that is what she want's in the long run any way.... Me to be out of the picture. 

    I would not go it will be uncomfortable and awkward, I would talk to DH and spell it out he should stand by you.  He chose to marry you He is not a baby anymore Yes he is there son who has his own family. She should be more understanding. 

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  • TripMommaTripMomma member
    I would not go. Further more if DH still wanted to be married he would also not go and would tell them he is sorry but we are not entertaining at our house right now. I am soooo not even kidding....but I am a *** like that.
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  • jay-teajay-tea
    After throwing a fit to DH, I would go.  I would also order the priciest thing on the menu, barely eat it and generally be a b!tch to be around... you know.. go to the bathroom every 10 minutes, complain about your back.. ask to be reseated because the chairs are uncomfortable.. really lay it on thick.
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  • futuremrshackneyfuturemrshackney member

    I would be very annoyed with DH if he did something like that. I wouldn't go, free food or not... if he wants to go and see his family thats fine.  I also would stand firm that I don't want them at my house.

    As a compromise I would tell DH that he needs to inform them that I'm not feeling well, and its best they just meet up with him at the restaurant. If anyone ever suggested that I go hide upstairs in my OWN house during my pregnancy so they could come over I'd probably throat punch them.

     

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  • grace_smith03grace_smith03 member
    imageMummybear4:

    It sound's as though my MIL has an evil twin We have been here so many time's in our 13 yr marriage and 21 yrs together. He (Hubster) has learnt He doens't split the family up by going out for lunch with just her OR meeting with out me BECAUSE that is what she want's in the long run any way.... Me to be out of the picture. 

    I would not go it will be uncomfortable and awkward, I would talk to DH and spell it out he should stand by you.  He chose to marry you He is not a baby anymore Yes he is there son who has his own family. She should be more understanding. 

    damm straight.  You have to draw the line in the sand now or else MIL will always be pushing to see where the boundaries/cracks are.  Trust me. If you do the lunch and then go upstairs, they still got something that that they weren't supposed to get..so they'll try harder next time.
    GL!

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  • mrsdchastainmrsdchastain member
    I would probably go. That's just me but I do think are being inconsiderate. Like you are being so mean and depriving them of something when in reality they just aren't being understanding.
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  • beautifulsin90beautifulsin90

    imageTiffanyTheMom:
    Honestly, if I were feeling fine, I'd go. And since they're paying (rules of etiquette state the invitees to lunch/dinner/food state they pay unless stated at the invitation otherwise) I'd buy something pricey too, like a PP said. Then, when you get home, go upstairs and rest. Let them handle whatever previous children you have, and take a nap and then a long bath and then read some good mags. Stay up there. Let him have time with his parents. You don't have to play hostess to them.

    This!!! 

    I would be really annoyed but there isnt much you can do about it now so just make it known you arent happy.

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  • ps0812ps0812
    Maybe I'm a stubborn jerk, but I would not be going, nor would I be welcoming anyone into our house. I would hope that DH would never agree to something like that without my consent, but if he did I wouldn't be happy. Giving in and doing what they wish is totally setting a precedent for circumventing you and going straight to DH when they want to get their way. Sure, they are his parents, but IMO when you get married your spouse and children are your family first.
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