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Blended Families
Lying / Consequences / Punishment
Just decided to start a new thread because I'm tired of the old one. No, he has not done it again over the weekend. Thank God.
DH and I have not addressed this problem because we just don't know what to do and unfortunately the statute of limitations for the two incidents last week is probably over by now.
Last school year we had a written contract for grades. We had SS initial each point (expectations and consequences) and sign the bottom. We posted it on the fridge and would have him read it over if he started questioning it for one reason or another. We wrote the contract ourselves. This way he knew ahead of time what his consequences were.
We don't have it written out but he knows what we will do if he is caught in a lie etc. He just doesn't care. We have also asked him before why he lies. There is never an answer. We know sometimes it is to avoid punishment which is natural but he doesn't stop when caught, he just continues to lie, change his story etc. He also, like last week, just lies to lie. He wasn't in trouble for being hungry after school, I just asked why he was so famished if he had had lunch. He, unlike many teenage boys doesn't eat us out of house and home so it is unusual for him to come home and make a beeline for the fridge.
I dunno. It is hard to like someone who lies to me all the time. It is hard for me to agree to let him do fun things (there is a state fair trip this weekend but I don't feel like he deserves to go because why should we spend money we really don't have to let him go when he can't even give us the courtesy of telling us the truth? But he will go.
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Re: Lying / Consequences / Punishment
Do you find it hard to like your DH? Because I know he makes mistakes as well.
I don't think you can worry too much about the issue of lying until you've made sure his consequences are fitting to his "crimes." As I said in the last thread, if you're going overboard on your reaction to some pretty human behaviors (procrastination, watching too much tv, etc.) you can expect he will continue to lie, and feel justified in doing so, since you're being unfair. If your consequences are more logical - no tv for the next day, for example, instead of the next month, then maybe you can cooperate more with him on changing his behavior.
Also, STOP letting him make you mad. That's giving him power and control over you that he shouldn't have. The less stressed you can be about his poor decision making, the better it is for you, and you'll be sure he's not getting some payoff of having control over your emotions.
I hope things get better!
I think she should stick to her guns and ignore the posters that think that stepkids lie because you don't hug them enough.
This kid HAS to learn that life is really unpleasant when you spend it acting like a jerk. When he wants to be an upstanding citizen, he can have an enjoyable life. Until then, he's what, 16? That time he could have spent at the state fair can instead be sent mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, doing all sorts of manual labor until he's good and sorry. He wants fun things in his life? He has to treat the people around him with some respect.
Yes, I do find it hard to like DH sometimes when he screws up royally. This doesn't mean I don't love either one of them, just find it hard to want to go out of my way to be nice.
State Fair is DH"s decision not mine anyway. We really can't afford it. SS knows about the trip and was told that he MIGHT be able to go. I would be much more willing to find a way to make it work if I felt like he deserved to get something extra. Know what I mean? I just don't think lies should be tolerated especially since he won't even fess up once he is caught.
He says I accuse him of things because I back check his story whenever possible. And you know what? Every single time (every one) I have back checked regarding school (usually what he lies about most) has turned out to be a lie. I feel like an idiot checking up on him but I have to. This is what he doesn't get. If he starts telling the truth, I will find out that he was telling the truth when I check and the more times I find out he was telling the truth; the less I will need to check his story.
I'm the one who checks because I have more freedom at work than DH. He has a mostly outside job.
Lies are not mistakes. They are deliberate and I bet your sweet behind, if her DH lied to her on a regular basis, she'd leave his ass.
Sweetie, get your SS an evaluation. Make sure there isn't a reason why he's lying. I understand how you feel though. My brother is a habitual liar and my mother had a hard time dealing with him. We found out later that he's bipolar in addition to other issues. I'm not saying your son is bipolar but that if there is a diagnosis, there might be a better way of dealing with it.
Click me, click me!
Click me, click me!
After hearing more, the "jokes" about giving this kid more hugs don't sound so funny. He really does need them.
How do you think kids learn to be loving and affectionate?
I'm NOT condoning his lying, but I'm also thinking that if you want to start a cycle of mutual respect and consideration for what the other is going through, you're going to have to be the bigger person (the adult) and show him how it's done.
For example, starting with a conversation about how difficult it was for both of you to go through a month of tv restriction, and how it can be avoided and what some logical consequences could be for falling behind in school. I think if you start showing him you've got some compassion for the position he's in - struggling with school, whether because of procrastination, boredom, or distractions from friends/activities - he might return the favor and think of what a jerk he's been to try and parent.
I find it richly amusing you assume she has never done that.
This kid is well aware, somewhere in his thick skull, that people care about him. He's an angry kid who would rather lie and hurt them, and thus wield power over their emotions. I somehow managed to grasp that my parents loved me even when I was on their shit_list, and this kid does too. But all the hugs and, "it's ok, you're so special anyway"'s are not going to teach this kid that honesty is not a goal, it is a requirement. I am sure he hears daily that he is loved and wanted in that house, and guess what? ain't solved a thing.
I worry for you when your kids hit adolescence....they will play you like a fiddle.
Well, gee, thanks sprky.
Nope, not my assumption. If you read all her previous threads, you'll see she asked me if I think she should hug him.
Click me, click me!
It is more consistent than constant lying. It is daily, but not every single word is a lie.
And yes J&A, I have hugged him as much as he will let me. Why don't you try hugging a kid as big as you who doesn't want to be hugged. He also likes to make a show of apologizing to me etc. in public but the kid really feels no remorse for anything.
I don't think he is bipolar but probably does have some issues from being motherless. He went to counseling shortly after his mom died but hasn't really done any since I do not think.
Who was it that posted something a few months ago about their little punishment for lying. Help me someone....
They said that next time their child gets caught in a lie, he/she is to be given the assignment of asking 10 adults their opinion of what lying does and it's affects on a person. They are to write on 10 cards these people's response. I can't remember the consequences of their not completing the taks or the reward of completing the task. The nestie who told us this had a great plan and reward/consequence system for the assignment. Anyone remember?
For your son who is very much a bookworm, he might respond to this Leslie. I just wish I could find that post. Anyone else remember?
I think it was leslie. She said he still had no remorse and the people he asked said he had no sense of embarrassment at all.
I really can't stress how much I think you should get a mental evaluation for your SS.
Click me, click me!
It was Leslie? Really? I thought the person who posted said it worked like a charm on her kids and how one was mortified and learned their lesson.