- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Discipline by Stepparents
Ok, Ladies...it's been too dead around here.
So...just as a convo starter - in a blended family, do you think the biological parent should be the only parent to discipline the child?
We've been seeing a shrink with my SD(12) for about 2 1/2 years. Initially, he said he believes the bio-parent should be the only one to discipline. The thing is, in our situation, my stepkids live with me. I quit my job to stay home with the kids, so they're with me every day, all day. My DH works 60-ish hours per week, so aside from an hour or so in the evening, they often don't even see him. More to the point, when he DOES see them after a long day, he really doesn't want to have to spend the time disciplining them.
So - I end up being the disciplinarian. (For which SD continues to be excessively resentful. But then, she pretty much despises my existence, so, nothing new!)
What do you think? I really believe it should be blended, but I'm curious what works in your home.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Discipline by Stepparents
I don't agree with the shrink. I think if the kids are going to be in the house of BOTH the bio and SP that both are responsible for being the disciplinarian.
See, I totally agree with that. I think if only bio-parent is disciplining, then it kind of undermines the respect and authority of the step-parent, right? Granted, my stepkids have never been the type to say "You're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do!" I think DH would blow gasket if any of them said that.
Click me, click me!
I believe that StepParents have EVERY RIGHT to enforce discipline in THEIR HOME.
HOWEVER, I believe that stepparents should not "make up" new punishments on their own. Ex, not following up on an established chore/expectation should have an established consequence that the BP can call upon - but if the kid does something never encountered before, waiting for dad to come home to discuss the repercussions is quite acceptable.
Heck - waiting till Dad gets home is a time honored punishment in of its self.
There is more damage done to children when you emascualte ANY authority figure. Children should not get to pick and choose who they have to listen too. What does that teach them in life?
My DH doesn't really discipline DS very much which is fine with me. DS is a good kid and it's rare there's a real "need" to discipline which will probably change a bit as he gets older.
If I need to go out and he's alone with DS though and a situation does arise, he will enforce house rules (which are known by all of us and posted on the wall) and anything other than that, he'd call me, I'd come home and I'd handle it.
At ex's house, ex's gf doesn't participate in parenting DS at all. She hangs out with them and does stuff with them sometimes, but she's not at all in a parental role.
I would have to disagree with the shrink too. When SD is with us I am usually the one home with her so if I were not able o discipline her what authority would I have? I am also much more strict than DH. When we first got together SD was out of control. DH felt guilty and would give in to her. I am the one that told him that she needed him to say no. He was afraid that if he had rules she wouldn't want to be with him, that hasn't been an issue. She is a more respectful, thoughtful, and well behaved child because he finally put his foot down and wouldn't let her run the house.
We have rules that she knows the consequences of, if she does something new I will usually say, that I have to discuss it with DH and either I will call him or wait till he gets home to talk about it. However, we did have an issue just last week that I disagreed on the punishment but I let it go.
I asked SD how she did in school - she gets points for behavior. She said she got a 20 (a good day). We drove (30 minutes) to the store, picked up fun stuff for her halloween costume, and then came home (probably about an hour total of time went by). We get home and as she is reading I go through her bag to sign her agenda and see that she didn't get a 20 she got a 15 (she had to pull a card for some reason). I showed it to DH and told him that she told me she got a 20. DH called her in and asked her what she got and right off the bat she said 15. I asked her why she didn't tell me that and she said because she was used to 20's. I told her that she still told a lie, and that she had plenty of opportunity to tell the truth in the hour it took to get home and settled. Here is the disagreement - Under normal circumstances a 15 would mean that she wouldn't get desert if we were having it. DH thought she just shouldn't get desert but I thought she shouldn't get desert AND have a 30 minute early bedtime because not only did she get a 15 but then she lied about it. We ended up just giving her no desert which we didn't have anyway (she just didn't know that).
I don't know if that makes sense, just my .02
I'm with you on disciplining. based on some weird circumstances I ended up staying home with SD when she was 2, and DH and I had only been together 6 months. I don't know how I could've managed watching her if I could never "punish" her. Overall she is a wonderful kid and well behaved, but she needed to eat something eventually (our main problem). And DH worked 24 hour shifts then.
Now with another kid on the way, I think it would be even worse if I couldn't "discipline" SD. In our house all kids should have the same rules and basic life, which means in our house I play the "mom" role (I'm not saying replace mom, in no way am I trying to do that).
Click me, click me!
I don't understand how this would work. ANY adult that is supervising a child must have the ability to issue consequences. The key is that the stepparent should be supporting the bioparents and partners with them on discipline. My DH and I have been through stages on this. Initially, he was respected as an adult...I enforced the discipline, expected the children to listen to him and expected him to back up my rules. When we got more serious, I let him know he could discuss privately with me if he ever disagreed with something I was doing because he had a vested interest being around the children so much etc. When we moved in together we become complete partners in parenting. The rules are the rules of the house, period. We decide them together and are consistent on the consequences. We discuss major punishments and back each other up on minor ones. We have a united front to the children, always.
I can't imagine living together and raising children together but having only one person enforce discipline. I think that would be very confusing for the children.
I wouldn't have married my husband if I wasn't allowed to discipline. Meaning correcting the child did something wrong such as: breaking something in MY house, doing something that was possibly dangerous to themselves or others, being disrespectful (cursing, yelling, ignoring, etc...). Discipline doesn't necessarily meaning hitting by the way.
I think that as an adult, one would have the right to have a say what goes on in ones home.
Just a thought...but do you guys really believe this (what ilumine said)
"Children should not get to pick and choose who they have to listen too. What does that teach them in life?"
I do not at all teach DS that he has to listen to every single adult. That would be dumb....because not every adult has his best interests at heart. So yeah...teaching blind faith in adults is not IMO a good idea.
What Ilumine means is that I, as the adult, tell my children who they should listen to. It doesn't necessarily mean that we are telling them to listen to every adult. Personally, I teach my children to listen to all adults unless the adult is telling them to do something I expressly forbid or that they know is wrong. If the request is questionable but not against our values or what they've been told, they are to comply and tell me about it after the fact.
Click me, click me!
Wow - literal much?!?! Or are you LOOKING for something to pick at?
Of course not every adult has the best interest of the child at heart. And therefore you TEACH them to look for those ACTIONS that indicate danger.
HOWEVER, children SHOULD start out with a healthy respect for any adult who holds a position of authority in their lives; from teachers, to police, to the store clerk who is trying to stop a child from pulling an end-cap on top of themselves.
And you hinder that acceptance that adults DO know more than children (you know that experience thing) when you disallow the 3rd most important adult in their lives the ability to handle authority.
Or are you saying that teachers have more rights to respect than the man you are sleeping next too, the man who helps feed, cloth, heat, entertain your children's little bodies (and do NOT tell me that you pay for all of that through CS)?
Click me, click me!
So, if you haven't had to experience the need to have your DH discipline your child yet, then why are you weighing in?
And thank you for adding weight to my hypothesis. Please explain to me why YOU do not respect your DH? I mean, he is worthy enough to pay your way (for the literal interpretation, I DO understand that you are both paying for your home) but not worthy enough to have a say in how the house is managed?
And what does that show your child?
I seriously want to know why you don't view your husband as less than a full partner?
Click me, click me!