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Multiples
Sad
Today is my first day alone since we lost the boys. I'm really struggling today with not getting to be a MoM. We were so excited to be having twins. Its so hard to know we don't get to parent them. It's like a whole other thing to grieve.
We had 2 couples we are very close with and vacation with each year in addition to hanging out several times a month. One has one year old twin girls and one is pg with twin boys due 6 weeks before I was due. I had to ask my pg friend not to come to the hospital. we've seen her husband twice but I just can't see her. It's too hard. I feel guilty about that. I don't know how to be okay around her. DH thought we should give all the boy clothes we had two of that we couldn't return to them but I just couldn't. It's going to be hard enough to see her boys I can't have them wearing outfits I picked out for my babies. Is this awful of me?
I just had to get this out.
TTC with severe MFI since 9/08
IVF w/ ICSI #1 May/June 2010= BFP twins
Callan George and Bennett Charles born and died 11/7/10
FET #1 April 2011= BFN
FET #2 July 2011= no transfer because my lining sucked
FET #3 February 2012= BFP! 1st beta 9dp5dt=314 2nd beta 11dp5dt=977 1st U/S 3/20 Twins- Heart rates of 111 and 138
Living After Losing
Callan George and Bennett Charles born and died 11/7/10
FET #1 April 2011= BFN
FET #2 July 2011= no transfer because my lining sucked
FET #3 February 2012= BFP! 1st beta 9dp5dt=314 2nd beta 11dp5dt=977 1st U/S 3/20 Twins- Heart rates of 111 and 138
Living After Losing
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Re: Sad
I'm so, so sorry. I'm certain everything you're feeling is completely normal. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself -- and if that means not seeing your pregnant friend and not giving the boys' clothes away, so be it. You're still in the thick of grief and your first priority has to be taking care of yourself (and being taken care of). Be gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you.
Don't feel bad for any of the emotions you're feeling right now. It's going to take time to work through them. It's completely understandable that it's difficult to see your pregnant friend and unimaginable to give her the clothes that you picked out for your boys.
Give yourself permission and time to grieve. You'll be in my prayers
It is completely understandable. I would not want my friend to have those clothes either, I would just donate them to charity to get them out of the house and to someone who needs them.
My friend lost her twins in June and while we have gotten together just the two of us, she hasn't seen my guys since, and I completely understand. Hopefully your friends can understand, too.
I think your friend will understand. She'll be there when you are ready to see her. You are grieving those little boys on so many levels. For now just get through the day and later you can deal with everything else. You're on my mind a lot. I'll keep you in my prayers today.
Big (((HUGS))) to you for today. Ive been thinking about you and praying for you and your dh for healing.
I think giving the clothes to a close friend would be really hard as well. Gosh honey Im in tears for you. I cant imagine. My heart just breaks for what you have gone/ are going through.
Im sure your friend understands. You have suffered a great lose and it takes time before you can begin to heal.
I do hope you go through some sort of grieving counseling. I know its no where close to losing a baby let alone 2 but when my brother died I didnt go and really regret it now. He was one of the Virginia Tech shooting victims and I was just in shock and numb for so long. Im starting therapy in Dec. My sister has gone since day 1 and is doing really well. Me...Im a mess.
I will continue to pray for you and your family. Its a dark road but you are not alone.
I am glad you still come here for support.
I completely agree with the pp. Your feelings and emotions are normal; you should not feel one iota guilty about not wanting to see your friend right now. If she's a good friend, she'll understand, and she'll be there when you're ready.
When you're ready, I would suggest donating the clothes to charity. It would be too hard for me to watch my friend's children growing up in clothes that were meant for mine. That seems like self-inflicted torture.
You ARE a MoM, to two beautiful and perfect angels. You will always be one, and you will always be welcome here.
Cut the Crap - Weight loss journey of a Few Fat Chicks
I am so sorry
It is NOT awful of you to not want to give your boys' clothes to your friend! You aren't ready, and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe there is something else you can give her, like a double photo frame or something less sentimental/personal to your heart.
Is there something you can do today to make it less painful to be alone? Can you make a memorial video of your picts, or some kind of tribute you can work on for them? Wish I could wrap my arms around you for a big hug.
I'm so sorry again for all you are going through.
I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sure that your friend will understand how difficult it is for you to see her right now.
You need to do whatever is best for you right now, and I'm sure that everyone will allow you the time and space to do that.
Please remember that you are always a MoM, and that we are always here for you.
I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure that your friend who is pregnant understands your feelings. I was in the same situation with my SIL and BIL. I'm sure you will be okay as time goes on. It took my SIL about one year to be able to feel okay holding my daughter. Thoughts and Prayers are with you.
I don't think that anything you're feeling towards your friend is awful. I'm sure, if she's a good friend, that she would understand all this. I would think I'd feel the same way.
I also just wanted to tell you that I've thought a lot about you and your boys these past days.
You need to do what is right for you.... there is no right/wrong when it comes to grief- esp what you went through.
It's totally normal to not want to be around pg friends, esp with twins... or see babies right now. Don't feel guilty.
My good friend lost her twins at 23 weeks the week before I found out I was pg with twins - trust me-- I felt SO guilty and horrible... so i imagine your friends are going through a lot of guilt feelings, too ... the 'why me? why are my babies OK and hers aren't?" feelings were there for me. I emailed her right away when i found out b/c i wanted her to hear it from me- and wanted her to be home, where she could react the way she needed to (cry, scream, whatever) to hearing my news. I hope your friends are sensitive to your loss and how their twins might effect you right now.
your Dh's idea about the clothing is a nice one- but I totally agree with your feelings right now... and who knows- maybe in a few months you'll feel differently? Maybe not - either way - do what works for you.
(((HUGS)))
There's no way that your friend wouldn't be able to understand what you were going through. I've had friends who had a miscarriage early in their pregnancy (like 5 weeks) who had a hard time being around pregnant women, and we all completely understood. So, with what you have just experienced, I can't imagine someone who loves you not being completely compassionate about it.
Prayers for you...